If we went back to the beginning, who would we be? If we could go back to the beginning, who would we make ourselves be again? It’s been awhile, but I’m here. Drunk sally. Whoo. Who would you make yourself be? God I feel numb.
Numb in a good way. Numb as in it’s the best for me. Anyways, if you could go back to the beginning what would you do or tell yourself? Would you go through all the hell again and change it or would you do it differently? Who would you make yourself be? Where would things go? Would you change things?
I hurt, you hurt we all hurt. We go through hell. Would you change it? I would go back for sure and hope that I see things differently than I would have. See things as how they really were. I know it would have been heartbreaking, but better the truth than what as I saw it as with my rose colored glasses, I hate how much I try to romanticize life. Sometimes I hate how much I try to look for the good in things. Just see the bad and let it be how it really is. Stop trying to look at the good. See things as they really are. That’s life, face it. My faults are also my good traits. Why does life do that to us? Make the bad things also good, you know how confusing that shit is? How it fucks with your inner peace so much? If I could go back to the beginning what would I wish, how would things go, where would I be? I don’t actually know, I never got to think or put myself first to even think that way and maybe that’s my problem.
I try to be happy, but people don’t want me to be. Is it karma? Is it what I deserve or are people just fucking miserable with their own fucking lives? When I finally do right to myself because I owe myself that much. The saying “god gives his toughest battle to his strongest soldiers” I use to be so inspire by that shit back then, but now.. no not now, stop making me a solider, I’ve had enough for the time being. I’ve been thrown so many obstacles since a young age. Pick someone else I want a break. Just let me breathe. I want to go back to the beginning. drunk sally out.
It’s the new year, so what are my goals or new year resolutions? Well this year I’m not going to make any. Not that I don’t have any, but don’t you guys ever get stuck with a list that never gets finished or your goals change? In my 26 years of life, I know whatever list I make now will not be what I accomplish later. I’m more of a do as you go type of person. So here is all that I wish for me and for you. Take what you need and leave what you don’t.
I wish for your happiness and peace. I wish you heal the things that you do not speak or know. I wish for the growth and lessons that will push you to be a better person. I wish for the love that will forever stay with you. I wish you will take the bad days and remember that it’s just a bad day and that you don’t take all the good days for granted. I hope that you love yourself more and you do more for yourself. Whatever you’ve been trying to chase to fill that empty feeling, I hope you catch it and it lights a light in your soul that never goes out again. For all the tears that you cried in 2021, you don’t meet them again. I hope you remember to take more photos or videos. I wish for good health and wellness. That every person you come across is as genuine as you. You’ll get the break you need this year to sit down and absorb all that you have done and to relax. I wish you the best in your business plans because I know you’re capable and I know you have it in you. All your creative thoughts get brought to life this year. I hope you do take some things from last year and you keep working on them. Those are not achieved in just a year, it’s something you have to constantly work on for the rest of your life. That you do not forget who you are as a person. All the built up anger, I don’t want you to just let go of it and forgive, I want it to fuel the passion of making yourself better. Use it in a good way and not as a flamethrower and use it to burn others in words. You know what? Settle in already, push your pride aside and accept what has been waiting for you. You could’ve had more good and balance if you were more open to accepting help. It’s okay to get help, you need other people, we all need people. I wish something clicks in you and you stop living on survival mode, you made it, you can rest. Let someone else take care of you for once. I wish you get the nurture you give to others and you accept it without feeling weak and if you end up feeling that way then you allow yourself to be okay with that. All the battles you have within are put to an end. I wish you live life for what it is and that you continue to do that. Love every little thing in the world more including yourself. ♡
The moon tries to stay up for the sun, but she never gets there. She never gets to see the sun.
I feel everything, I feel it all at one time. My heart goes back and forth, up and down, But I’m just stuck on the ground. I don’t know what to do sometimes I feel like the moon staying up for the sun.
I feel super close, But also very far. Is that where you always are? Within reach where I will never be?
I’ll love you from afar, While I feel all over the place. Just remember to send some love within our space. ♡
I usually don’t post my made up poems, so please don’t make me cry and keep your thoughts to yourself, thank you! lmao. I love reading poetry and I’ll come up with some in the right setting. I’m just posting this cause I think it’s decent or good enough to be shown to the public and it’s also inspired by one of my favorite songs Two Places by Tori Kelly. Which I did write another blog post inspired by before (click here to read) but i’m just getting shy now and if I keep typing I’m going to change my mind on posting this, so byeeeeeeeeeeee.
Lately I’ve been more to myself, not out as much, visiting home more often, not writing, just MIA. It’s not because I hate anyone or anything super crazy, but I haven’t felt too much like myself and it’s been feeling like I’ve been losing myself. I’ve been feeling stuck in a low place, but I still have to catch up and live my daily life. It’s stressful, it’s draining.
I can think back to the exact moment where I started to feel this way. I can pinpoint the exact reason, I can tell you exactly why. I can also tell you that it has made me a worse person, a bitter person, but also how it made me feel on top of the world but in the worst way. The saying “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off too,” well I didn’t even give my friends a chance to jump because I was the friend that did it first. The problem is I held on to it for too long. It was a temporary high, a temporary relief, it wasn’t meant to be kept. That’s a problem of mine, I hold on to whatever makes me feel good whether it’s long lasting or suppose to be temporary. Whatever makes or made me feel good. It has changed every aspect of my life and every aspect of myself. Me holding on allowed it to swallow me whole to where I don’t feel like or see myself anymore.
I need to unlearn everything. I need to break the negative patterns and behaviors that I’ve developed. I need to find myself again. It’s draining me out. What I thought was good for me was actually not and now I have to unlearn something that felt right. It feels so wrong.
Did I run away at times? Yes, I sure did. How do you expect to start unlearning anything in the environment that you picked it up in? When it comes to something like this you need to get away to a place where you can give yourself a safe space far from the bad. Somewhere you can self reflect, somewhere you can ground yourself, somewhere that will remind you of the old you and where you wish to be. That’s what home is to me, so I’m willing to go back as many times as it takes to feel like myself again, to be better.
It’s always okay to slow down. It’s always okay to miss out. It’s always okay to unlearn unhealthy patterns and behaviors. It’s always okay to learn from your mistakes.
On bad days, it’s okay to rest. It’s a lot, it’s emotional, it’s draining. ST, You need to let go and unlearn what you’re use too. It serves no purpose to you. Deal with it head on ST, you know there’s no other way. ST, this isn’t you and you know that. We didn’t go through all of it for it to become this way. Be true to yourself in every way even if it hurts, it’s what you owe to yourself. Please listen to yourself and how you feel, don’t give up. Never give up, you can always be better. The way you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. Mental health days are fine, take more of them. Take advantage of the help that’s out there. Take more time for yourself. At least you’re working on yourself for yourself. Healing takes time. – ST Reminders
February, you always find a way of repeating yourself for the past few years and honestly I’m over it. There’s very little good to remember, instead it’s a stretch of time and waiting. You try so hard for something so simple. I wouldn’t say rock bottom, but why does it feels like it’s always desperate climbing out of something? Why must you be so stubborn? First was a start of something I would have never known. Something that I didn’t think was capable of happening. Something that I just didn’t know. Something that won’t ever leave me. Just a lot of missing and things unknown. A strange feeling, but I trusted something else because there was no way. It’s just not there, right? It’s happy still. It’s still just a day dream, still that fairytale, but you’re losing it right in front of you without even realizing it. It’s busy, one starts to feel lonely while the other is doing something with a bigger vision in mind. It’s not aligned. Second, just more of the same thing except it’s known. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re more aware of the bottles than what going in your life. That warmth from last month got you through, so why not continue? It allows you to escape the old and the new, it allows you to escape the feeling of being a ticking time bomb. Any emotions released, good and bad, but you just don’t care because it’s the only time you can express anything. Otherwise, it’s too much to even think of any other time. Stand up for yourself and pour out whatever you feel. Pour out a cup, pour out two, pour out three at least. Shit, we’re already on five, make it six and we’re numb. Perfect. It’s the only thing you can make sense of, the only thing that feels real, the only thing that is staying consistent. The one thing reality is letting you take control of. Just keep busy. “So I’ll take all of all of my wasted love and turn it into wine in my cup.” Third, it’s not a full repeat, but there’s lingering. There’s still some of the same. There’s some of the same cups, but not out of control. We don’t drink until we’re numb anymore, but emotions still are there. It’s still there. Keep busy only a few left. There’s joy, but it can still feel lonely, but there’s joy. Things aren’t fueling anymore. There’s room to think with clarity and understanding. Understanding? Maybe that’s a reach. Your skin is tough, but things still sit under it. All you can do is sit and control yourself.
Dear February, save me. You’ve given me everything you gave me, but you’re scorned.
I came across this channel on Youtube called Jubilee and watched quite a few of their videos and it really got me thinking about my answers and opinions as well. There’s different episodes, but in each they bring in a group of people of the same or different race or people who believe in this or that and ask them questions. The group of people then stand on a scale of strongly disagree to strongly agree or sit down if they agree with said statement and just talk it out with one another. It’s such a nice safe space for these people to get their opinions or experiences out there about general topics or about those hard topics that most will stay quiet about. Maybe this will become a new blog series that I’ll continue to write about or not, but I just wanted to share where I am with this video called “Do All Asian Americans Think the Same?” | Spectrum (the video is at the bottom of the blog)
I think it’s great to watch videos like these especially with how society has been. A lot has happened within the last few decades, let alone the last 4 years. It’s time to start having these deeper conversations or just more conversations in general. I’m starting off with this video because I do identify with Asian American, I’m Vietnamese and American born. For me, it’s not like I have forgotten my cultural traditions or values, but I don’t really discuss them enough. So I’ll take some questions or statements from the video and discuss it. Just want to remind everyone that I am not the spokesperson for the whole community or race or the people that I hang out with! This is just me.
I have felt pressure to date within my own race. Luckily, my parents have never put that idea onto me. They have mentioned it a couple of times, but they always made it known that it’s okay if I don’t. They don’t have a preference on another race either, so I was allowed to date whoever. Now when it comes to outside my family, like within the Vietnamese community here, I do feel the pressure. Weird right? Well I’ve gone to the Viet supermarkets, stores, hair salons, or nail salons and they’ll always ask me who I’m dating and what race they are, then make some comments like “oh, he’s not Vietnamese, why not? You need to find a Viet guy and keep the culture alive.” I disagree with that so much. I can still keep my culture alive still with whoever I’m with, it’s not passed down through blood, but through teachings. Asian stereotypes are funny. I think this is kind of a broad statement and you’ll see why, but my answer is yes and no. I have a lot to say about this. So asian stereotypes put on the asian group by non-asian are not funny at all. The typical asians are good at math, asians are bad drivers, asians have chinky eyes, asians eat dogs/cats etc. are just so outplayed, it’s not true for everyone. Stereotypes have a big influence in judging certain groups of people and most times they are negative. I think when I wasn’t up to par with some of those stereotypes, people I went to school with who were non-asians wouldn’t judge me differently, but they wouldn’t identify me as asian or downplay that I was asian. I heard a lot of “oh Sally, you’re not THAT asian” or “omg, you don’t like to watch anime or make boba? I’m more asian than you.” Which actually did hurt my feelings and made me feel a type of way, but I didn’t know how to correctly speak about it back in high school, so I would just agree with them. Now if it’s my asian friends and I talking about stereotypes within our different asian races, then they can be funny, but that’s because they aren’t so negative or downplaying their identities. Big emphasis on CAN BE FUNNY though. I do want to point out that a lot of asian stereotypes are positive compared to other races and the stereotypes that are put on them. Asian people have it easier than other minorities. I would have to agree with that statement. I do think that asian people have it easier than other minorities even within the last few years and with covid happening. Yes, it’s very unfortunate and sad that covid has brought out more racism towards asians and it breaks my heart to see. Yes, we asians still have it harder than some minorities, but bigger picture we do have it easier. What asians are experiencing with covid, others have been experiencing for decades and on a more worst scale. Stereotypes on asians are also easier on asians, the “popular” stereotypes are majority positive. The reality of it is, asian minorities are more accepted in the United States with white people and I think it’s because of the history between the two and that asians have conformed with the American way. I don’t know how to really explain it, but I can see it or have experienced it personally. I do think Americans use Asians to their advantage sometimes to compare to other minorities or for other uses, when it’s good for them if that makes any sense.
Like I said earlier I do not represent a whole community or other people, but myself. I am up to having more in depth conversations and hearing other opinions, so feel free to comment or contact me. I want this to be a safe space of free discussion. I do not tolerate hate or racism though, so please don’t come around with that. Give me feedback on if I should do more post like this. Watch the video below and the others on their channel! Keep conversations going with the people around you.
SALLY♡THINGS 