Tag: Relationship

What A Strange Feeling.

*Read if you can handle without judgement*

Before you go on to read this, I would like to warn that I will be talking about death and cancer. I know those can be hard topics for others to read. This post is for myself. It’s to help process through my grieving and to help recognize my own ways of coping and feelings. There might be some things that I say that seem harsh, but just remember that all of our experiences are different from each others. We can always learn new perspectives and be more open to different lifestyles. This is all raw emotions, read if you can handle without judgement.

October 8:
I’ve been feeling so stuck-like since I got the news back in September. My grandpa has cancer and he has months to live. Why do I feel stuck about this? Well I never had a positive relationship with him. Which makes it tricky because I do not know how I feel about how his life is coming to an end soon, but also I feel sad because no one should ever have to deal with cancer and know that they are slowly dying everyday from it.

Growing up I always was scared of my grandpa, he was an alcoholic and chain smoker. He looked mean or mad all the time, he had a tone of voice where it would scare me as if I was in trouble at all times. My grandparents ended up separating and I ended up hearing stories about how he abusive he was and even at a young age of 6 hearing this, I did not doubt it one bit. He had those qualities in him, I knew he had those qualities within him for as long as I can remember. He was and is no role model to me, but a figure that I know not to be. I vaguely remember, but I’m sure I remember visiting him in jail before and being there to pick him up when he got released. I was only in early elementary. I will be really honest and say I don’t have much feelings about hearing about his cancer and I can disassociate myself very well from him. He lived in the same house as me since I was in high school and we didn’t talk to each other at all unless it was absolutely necessary. I grew up around him, ignoring him, that was our relationship. I don’t think I grew up hating him or resenting him, I just grew up not caring. Sounds sad, but it is what is it.

November 23:
This is the second time where they said my grandpa doesn’t have much longer before he loses his battle to cancer. I can’t imagine how my mom is feeling and I feel even worse that I can’t be at home to help and to comfort her. It’s hard being away in another state when these things happen. I still feel very stuck. Whenever I think about it I want to cry, but I can never fully cry. I’m sad that his condition is getting worse, but also I don’t feel any personal feelings. For a person who feels a lot of emotions and have empath-like qualities, it’s very strange to feel so distant from this. This is a part of why I’ve been feeling not myself and lost lately. This is bringing out something strange that I’ve never felt before. It’s like I almost feel bad for myself for not feeling more for my grandpa. Is that selfish? Why am I even feeling for myself in the first place?

I have accepted that he’s going to pass, but hearing about how the cancer is taking over, I feel sorry for him. I’ll say it a million times, no one should ever have to experience cancer.

Life’s been hitting different lately.

November 28:
Celebrating Thanksgiving was a ride for me personally. It was mentally, physically and emotionally draining from being in my own head. I was so much in my head I started to think that I shouldn’t be allowed to be thankful because that would be selfish of me. Why should I celebrate when someone in my family is slowly passing away? It doesn’t feel right and especially since I can’t be on my mom’s side for it all. Thankfully I was able pulled myself out of that negative mindset and did the best I could. It did make me sad that I wasn’t around my family this year, but being around the families and friends here in Wisconsin helped a bit with that. I’ve taken into consideration that maybe with me being here and not home might be better for me mentally. I’m not dealing or seeing the cancer progress everyday, maybe this is better because I really wouldn’t know how I would be.
Even with this, where I don’t know my true feelings or how healthy I’m coping with it, I should never think that I can’t be thankful. Now is the time for me to be thankful for what hasn’t come yet and what is currently the situation. I need to see the positive side of this and not just the negative. I have so much to be thankful for and besides no news is good news at least. This holiday season is going to be a tough one.

December 2 (drunk Sally): I’m not okay. Maybe this is me realizing it, but I’m not doing okay with coping. Too many unresolved feelings that i have no idea to go about. I feel like I’m surrounded by death and I can’t do anything and it’s the truth. I can’t do anything about it and it makes me feel helpless and I want to go numb. Feeling numb to it will stop me from feeling whatever the hell I’m feeling. This is actually really hard on me and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been and still feel lost. No one sees it either, but also I know I’m doing good at making sure no one notices. I really don’t want to explain it to anyone, my confusion and my unknowing of all of this. I really just find a quick time to cry, then go about my day.

January 12: I don’t understand if I have hate for you or if I’ve grown to dislike you as a person or it’s none of that and I hate that this is happening to you. Do I feel bad for you or feel pity? I’m not sure. I don’t understand things still, but it’s not bringing me down as much. What I also don’t understand is how you caused pain, trauma, and hurt to those around you before and continue doing that with your selfish ways still. How can someone live with that? My inner child has hurt in her heart, I know that much. She’s never had the experience of a grandparents love from not only you, but from both grandparents and maybe I feel sad because I know I’ll never get that. I grew up hearing stories from my friends and classmates about how much they love their grandparents and watching movies of warm hugs and sloppy kisses, but me? No where close. I have one happy-like memory of my grandpa. I only remember it because I saw it from a photo or a home video, but I was very young. Maybe under the age of 4 and my grandpa is holding me, I’m sitting in his lap. It must have been my birthday or maybe someone else’s and he’s smiling and looks happy. It looks fine, but all I can see and feel is a scared little child. How did you manage to cause hurt and pain in me too? I want to heal this part of me, I want to save the little girl. What is it that I’m not remembering? I don’t want to live a life like yours. I don’t want to be you, I don’t want to cause hurt.

February 2: Regardless of how I feel, I hope you are at peace and I’m wishing that you find it during these days if you haven’t yet. I couldn’t look at you when I went home and that speaks a lot of volume to me. Whatever is happening during these days I hope it helps you transition to your final days. I hope it eases your pain. There’s no date, but another few weeks. This time, like the others, this is it. Something tells me it might actually be it. It’s hard to be told every few weeks that you only have a little bit of time left, it’s sad. To be told over and over, it’s heartbreaking actually. I’ve had a day today and no chance to express or let out my feelings. I had to continue with life cause it doesn’t stop for those who need it. I’m having a hard time unpacking my feelings now because I had to bottle it up all day today. It’s like it’s been sitting in there for too long and it’s jammed, can’t get the lid off.

March 3: It’s been a harder week than usual. I found out on my trip in Colorado that you only had 24-48 hours left. I had two more days of that trip with friends and I didn’t want bring everyone else down too. I’ll admit it, I cried. I cried because death is sad because I’m sure it wasn’t and hasn’t been easy for you. I got the news of the passing a few days later. I heard the sadness from my mom at 3 am and it broke my heart hearing her so sad. My feelings have been everywhere since. It’s a weird grieving process for me because I don’t think what I feel is the “right” way to feel, but I feel a sense of relief. You aren’t in any pain, you aren’t limited like how you were towards the end. You aren’t suffering anymore. I couldn’t go up to the casket today during the visitation, I’m not sure why and I’m okay with not knowing. Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try to figure out my feelings again.

March 8: It’s been a few days since all the funeral ceremonies. It’s been a ride. I cried yesterday to unpack all the feeling that has cone with the last 6 months. It was relieving to let it all out. The stress, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the relief, all of it. From what I’ve gotten from all of this is there were some unresolved feelings that I have and they will honestly stay unresolved and I have to be okay with that. If I can take what I watched, heard, and learned from you and apply or not apply it to the rest of my life then you played your part in my life. Sometimes we have to have good role models and bad role models, it is what it is.
One more uplifting thing that came from all of this is that I got to see and catch up with some of my younger cousins that I haven’t seen in over 13 years. Good things do come from bad things. What matters most is, you’re now at peace and we can all take this with us and move on.

I’ve watched cancer take away a very close family friend before, I’ve seen cancer at it’s worst and what it can do to a person mentally and physically. I’ve seen cancer play tricks, where the person will have one good week followed by the worst week. This is now a second person in my life to have passed from it and during the holidays.
Those that have lost someone from cancer, you are not alone. It’s okay to feel the way you do, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s also okay not to know how you feel. The only thing you can do is to take your memories and learn from them. Hold those around you close and let them know you love them. Life is short and we all just have to make the best of it. Hold the memories of those who passed close to you and pass those good memories on to others. Regardless of how my experience was compared to yours, my inbox is always open for those in need.

2022.

It’s the new year, so what are my goals or new year resolutions? Well this year I’m not going to make any. Not that I don’t have any, but don’t you guys ever get stuck with a list that never gets finished or your goals change? In my 26 years of life, I know whatever list I make now will not be what I accomplish later. I’m more of a do as you go type of person. So here is all that I wish for me and for you. Take what you need and leave what you don’t.

I wish for your happiness and peace. I wish you heal the things that you do not speak or know. I wish for the growth and lessons that will push you to be a better person. I wish for the love that will forever stay with you. I wish you will take the bad days and remember that it’s just a bad day and that you don’t take all the good days for granted. I hope that you love yourself more and you do more for yourself. Whatever you’ve been trying to chase to fill that empty feeling, I hope you catch it and it lights a light in your soul that never goes out again. For all the tears that you cried in 2021, you don’t meet them again. I hope you remember to take more photos or videos. I wish for good health and wellness. That every person you come across is as genuine as you. You’ll get the break you need this year to sit down and absorb all that you have done and to relax. I wish you the best in your business plans because I know you’re capable and I know you have it in you. All your creative thoughts get brought to life this year. I hope you do take some things from last year and you keep working on them. Those are not achieved in just a year, it’s something you have to constantly work on for the rest of your life. That you do not forget who you are as a person. All the built up anger, I don’t want you to just let go of it and forgive, I want it to fuel the passion of making yourself better. Use it in a good way and not as a flamethrower and use it to burn others in words.
You know what? Settle in already, push your pride aside and accept what has been waiting for you. You could’ve had more good and balance if you were more open to accepting help. It’s okay to get help, you need other people, we all need people. I wish something clicks in you and you stop living on survival mode, you made it, you can rest. Let someone else take care of you for once. I wish you get the nurture you give to others and you accept it without feeling weak and if you end up feeling that way then you allow yourself to be okay with that. All the battles you have within are put to an end. I wish you live life for what it is and that you continue to do that. Love every little thing in the world more including yourself. ♡

Make your words matter this year.

Dear March.

It was pretty until it wasn’t. It snows and then a false spring comes. It’s hard to tell what you’ll get within this month.
Just go for it. Just go. The way things were said was like it was coming straight out of a fairytale. The way I felt, the way the night went, it was a fairytale. I know now that it was coming from a problem or guilt, but also hope and the heart. It gave me hope. I gave me more than hope, blind hope, but it was so perfect. Do I want to ruin this memory or will I remember it as how I did before? Was it a cry of truth or was it innocently true? Sometimes it’s hard to see everything as how I saw them in the moment.
It was a start of something that needed to happen. The good and bad, everything needed to be said and out. I spoke as I was holding back every emotion known to man. I spoke. That’s such a huge thing for me. I cried tears and a lot of them. I remember waking up one morning and I didn’t have time to open my eyes yet and I cried. This was truly the start of everything. It hurt, I was hurt, but it was needed. It was part of what I needed. Healing is so messy. Healing hurts so much until it doesn’t anymore.
What a change. I can’t believe it myself looking back. The thing you said that night, yeah it happened. Was it a cry? I still don’t know, but I don’t think I want to know the truth. The progress of each brings me tears if I think about it. To go through such high highs and straight to the lowest lows, it made it.

Dear March, tell me that there’s light at the end of all this starless night.

SALLY ♡ T

Imagine.

Imagine waking up happy the moment you open your eyes all the way until you fall asleep. Imagine less roads traveled and more of that time spent surrounded by love and laughter instead of your radio and your solo concerts. Imagine less conversations through the phone and more in person. Imagine lonely days being less lonely, each day filled with loving stares, more hugs and more kisses. Imagine a world like that.

Big news though, I don’t have to imagine it anymore because I finally get to live like that. I moved to Wisconsin.
You read that right, I moved to Wisconsin.


All I have to say about it is: it feels right.

SALLY ♡ T

Dear February.

February, you always find a way of repeating yourself for the past few years and honestly I’m over it. There’s very little good to remember, instead it’s a stretch of time and waiting. You try so hard for something so simple. I wouldn’t say rock bottom, but why does it feels like it’s always desperate climbing out of something? Why must you be so stubborn?
First was a start of something I would have never known. Something that I didn’t think was capable of happening. Something that I just didn’t know. Something that won’t ever leave me. Just a lot of missing and things unknown. A strange feeling, but I trusted something else because there was no way. It’s just not there, right? It’s happy still. It’s still just a day dream, still that fairytale, but you’re losing it right in front of you without even realizing it. It’s busy, one starts to feel lonely while the other is doing something with a bigger vision in mind. It’s not aligned.
Second, just more of the same thing except it’s known. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re more aware of the bottles than what going in your life. That warmth from last month got you through, so why not continue? It allows you to escape the old and the new, it allows you to escape the feeling of being a ticking time bomb. Any emotions released, good and bad, but you just don’t care because it’s the only time you can express anything. Otherwise, it’s too much to even think of any other time. Stand up for yourself and pour out whatever you feel. Pour out a cup, pour out two, pour out three at least. Shit, we’re already on five, make it six and we’re numb. Perfect. It’s the only thing you can make sense of, the only thing that feels real, the only thing that is staying consistent. The one thing reality is letting you take control of. Just keep busy.
“So I’ll take all of all of my wasted love and turn it into wine in my cup.”
Third, it’s not a full repeat, but there’s lingering. There’s still some of the same. There’s some of the same cups, but not out of control. We don’t drink until we’re numb anymore, but emotions still are there. It’s still there. Keep busy only a few left. There’s joy, but it can still feel lonely, but there’s joy. Things aren’t fueling anymore. There’s room to think with clarity and understanding. Understanding? Maybe that’s a reach. Your skin is tough, but things still sit under it. All you can do is sit and control yourself.

Dear February, save me. You’ve given me everything you gave me, but you’re scorned.

SALLY ♡ T

Dear January.

You are always so cold, but somehow always filled with warmth and love. The start of a new year and the celebration of making it through another. Everyone thinks you’re a new chapter, but really you’re just a continuation. People count on you to be the new chapter, but it really starts with them to write that.
Adventure comes to mind when I think of you. The first January was the first adventure. It was so perfect, not a thing could or can ruin all those moments. Pure joy and happiness, nothing was questionable. My favorite of them all, the one that only really exists in my head. The last of the daydream.
The second January was a slow warming, if that warming was of a lit match. Trying to put together what was broken and not understood. Figuring out exactly what you need to get through the day, but running to an escape instead. The bottles were warm though. The feeling you had missed and lost. It was temporary and numbing, but it made anything confusing go away. A quick break to breathe. You threw love everywhere, not sure if it even belongs there and then went to the bottles with the same energy.
The third January was full, a more at peace feeling. Seeing actual waves and not the ones that mentally take you in and drown you. In a beautiful place where you don’t need to wait for any unknowns because now you are the unknown. A real reality that you could actually grasp. The understanding isn’t fully there, but you have a better idea of it than before. Something you can let go of at times without a lingering. You keep more to yourself because it’s only right. Protecting yourself, but in a healthy way. Working on recovery on problems you all created.

Dear January, please don’t let me fall. Stay cold, but give us your warmth. Please continue to let the patience of love wait on my drunk heart.

SALLY ♡ T

If You Are Looking For…

this is for you.

What you’re looking for is pure. What you want is gentle and soft even when everything becomes fragile and hard. Someone who will love the moonlight that makes you, more than your sunlight that makes others. Someone who will love your messy days and will love you more after. Someone who knows your flaws as well as they know your perfections. Someone that will take on some of your frustrations and stress with you because they can see it’s taking something away from you. Someone who wants to lessen the weight on your soul. They’ll know how to love you in all the ways you didn’t. They’ll love you in every way that you hoped. Someone who will choose you on bad days just as much as on good days. Everything you feel is your imperfections will be everything they view as your perfections. Being around them will just make you feel in balance.

You deserve it, you do.

SALLY ♡ T

So Much To Be Thankful For.

Even though this year has been so odd, strange and honestly maybe the worse year on the bigger level scale, there’s so much to still be thankful for. The month of November I feel always brings out what we’re thankful for not only on Thanksgiving, but for the entire month and rest of the year. Here are some things that I’m super thankful for.

» My Friendships. I really don’t know what or how I could have made it through this year without all my friends. From pre-pandemic to the present, they have been the best. I would say my friends are already pretty amazing, but wow they really went beyond that for not only me, but everyone else too. There’s more facetime calls, more groups chats, video chats, discord channels, more supporting each other’s art or new hobbies, just more presence in each other’s lives even if it is just a text or phone call. All of my friends have sent a random check in text to me and honestly that’s just all love.

» My Family. The health of my family is very important to me and I’m thankful for what this year has brought to us. If it means that I see them less this year, but everyone remains in good health, then so be it. I’ll take it. Just like my friends, there has been a bigger presence with my family too. It’s crazy how that is when we are literally being restricted. Also, my oldest niece has more technology use and I love getting random messages from her or video calls. The time taken away definitely makes you appreciate the smaller ways of communication that we all have just taken advantage of.

» My Boyfriend and His Family. The weekend before things started closing down and quarantine was official in March, I was suppose to go to Chicago for a Slander show. The show got canceled, but I still had the weekend off, so I decided that instead I would just go over to Wisconsin for the weekend. Well as the virus got bad and more rules and regulations were made, my weekend turned into a week into three months. I spent three whole months in Wisconsin with my boyfriend and his family and I couldn’t be more grateful for how welcoming they were and still are. I had some really warm hearted conversations at the dinner table and it really felt like my home away from home. If it wasn’t for the quarantine, I would have never been able to experience all of it. Plus, the bond with my little Mr. Sweetface grew to a different level and I’m oh-so-so-soo grateful for that, he’s literally my best friend when I’m over there now. It was a taste of my future and I can’t wait for it. They are my home away from home.

» Myself and My Journey. Yes, the time away from work was so needed for me. I had to find a way to rebalance myself and get myself together again. My life should not be revolved around my job. It was rough and I’m still trying to adjust now, but I’m more at ease and I’m happy with what I did with all that time. I’m thankful for my journey through all of this because I have learned and grown so much. I’m actually taking the time for me. I got the help that I needed desperately, but just couldn’t get around too. I was very much in my lows and in my highs, but I pulled myself out of it, I did that. It’s a very strange feeling to think about yourself and to care for yourself when all you want to do is do that for others. In all my relationships, the presence of one another has increased and that is no different for myself. I am finally here for me as well.

For others, covid has been a nuisance and a nightmare, but it’s been a blessing in disguise for me. For how weird that is to say. We all have something to be thankful for though, so let’s keep that energy going. Stay safe everyone!

SALLY ♡ T

Dear Us,

Relationships are tricky themselves and then you add on the long distance for us. It seems 1000x harder when we start to go through the downs of every relationship because we simply can’t be there physically for each other, but somehow we’ve found a way to make it work. Somehow we’ve found a way to get through the toughest problems. I’m so grateful for that and blessed to be where we are at currently. Things are falling in place and I’m very happy to say it’s because we haven’t given up on working together and not just individually. Was it a blessing in disguise? I can’t answer that myself, nor would like to dwell on figuring it out. We don’t need to anyways, there’s still a lot to continue working on together. I hope this energy is here to stay for the rest of our days.

Thank you for the healthy communication, thank you for the conversations, thank you for the emotional and physical support, for the extra time spent on us, and most importantly thank you for your never ending love for me. You or some might think it’s weird that I’m thanking for what seems like the basics of a relationship, but sometimes a lot of those qualities are missing. Plus it isn’t easy all the time or comes naturally with certain situations, so that extra step from ourselves has to be made. Can you feel it too? Less of the ‘I don’t knows’ and ‘what do we dos’ being replaced? Less holding back thoughts and sitting in silence? We can have those hard conversations without exploding or feeling lost in what to do or say next. I love that we are growing together as a couple and seeing it also helping with our own self growth. They say the first year is the hardest and we’re no strangers to that, but baby we’re almost there.

I love you with everything,
SALLY ♡ T

Time to be super sappy and loving now! Our pictures and your graduation ones turned out so nice, I’m obsessed with how cute you are. Even though the reasoning is a pandemic, I’ve felt nothing but super lucky to spend all this time with you. I’m lucky to spend this lifetime with you too. The love that I have for you goes beyond what anyone could ever imagine. Cheers to every big and small accomplishment that we’ve worked for this year and especially to the last few weeks/months. I love you so much and I’ll see you soon. ♡