Tag: My Life

A Day Trip to Chicago – Food Alert & Places Visited.

I know ANOTHER Chicago post?? Sorry, but Chicago is only 2 hours away from me and there’s constantly new things to try. This time I’ll include places that we also visited so it’s not just food! Welcome to our one day trip to Chicago ♡

So I have a huge list on my phone with places to visit food wise and entertainment wise. Whenever we decide to go to whatever city, we’ll look through my list and choose what places to visit that time around. I do save every place, so if you would like my full list I can definitely give it to you guys, just send me a message.

I took a little bit of time to get ready, so by the time we got into Chicago this cafe was just about to run out of their pastries. Luckily, we got to Vietfive Coffee just in time before the last Bánh Mì Empanada was gone. It’s exactly what the name is, it’s a traditional Viet/French Baguette style sandwich in a form of an empanada and the flavor we got was the 5 Spice Tofu + Veggie. It was pretty good so it’s a must to come back early and try the other meats. Then of course, I had to get an Iced Cà Phê Sữa Đá with Condensed Milk or their Vietnamese style coffee.

After, we went walking around to see if there was anything cool nearby and we ran into Eat Me Milk Me Coffee & Tea. Here we ordered two different Chinese Baos, the traditional Taiwanese Pork Belly Bao and the Korean Style Beef Bao. These baos were so flavorful! The pork belly literally melts in your mouth and the korean beef was perfectly paired with the kimchi toppings. Not only do they have food, but they also serve coffee and boba tea. We just didn’t order any which I do regret, but that just means we’ll have to visit again. They also have a concept store, so you can buy these cool jackets and purses.

We weren’t expecting to go to two food places back to back, so we continued walking around to try to walk off the food and honestly the weather was just perfect. Guess what we ran into next? Hamburger University.

Matcha Oreo McFlurry with the Hamburger University sign

You are missing out if you don’t know what Hamburger University is. Before I get into their pretty cool menu, Hamburger University is a training McDonalds facility, it’s the corporation’s global headquarters. They train high-potential restaurant managers, mid-managers and owner-operators in restaurant management. It’s pretty big on the inside AND they have some of their different global foods that you would find in other countries! We had to absolutely try the global menu even though we were already full. We ordered the Taco seasoned Fries from Norway and the Matcha Oreo McFlurry from Japan. The fries were okay, nothing really special. It was pretty fun shaking the seasoning in the bag, just something different, but the Matcha Oreo McFlurry though. The only difference is the matcha flavored ice cream, but it takes it to a whole other level. Please bring the Matcha Oreo McFlurry to all US McDonalds please!

There was just way too much food within a sort time, so we drove off to Chinatown Chicago for some shopping! I love going into Chinatown Chicago. There’s just tons of little shops, bakeries, and restaurants to go too. Plus it reminds me of all the times my mom would take us when I was younger, so I guess you can say it’s nostalgic for me. The shops and restaurants have been changing more recently, but you still have the classic JoyYee. We didn’t eat there, but it was so tempting! We did some shopping and walking around. I got a new Hello Kitty plush and we found some different flavor lays chips like lamb cumin. It’s pretty good, strong in flavor, but good.

We checked my list out and found that there was a food place about a block or two away, so you know why not? Kong Dog is where we went next. There’s not a single Korean corndog place where we live, so we couldn’t pass the opportunity up. I was still so full, so I let my boyfriend choose what to order and he chose the Rainbow Kong Dog with sausage. It was an interesting choice I would say, but it still tasted pretty good! Who knew a corn dog covered in fruity crunch puff and sausage would taste good together.

There was no way that we were going to let the perfect weather in one of our favorite cities go to waste. You know it, we brought along our longboards and decided to take a cruise along Lake Michigan. It was so beautiful, the video doesn’t do it justice. Plus I love that they made this area for those who want to skate, bike, walk, run, etc. If I lived in Chicago I’d be on this path or trail everyday. I’d be way more active outside than I am currently. Cruising along the lake with the sun setting and city views? I love it. I just love it! ♡

Our last stop of the night, we found on accident. We were making our way out of the downtown area so it wasn’t so busy and was going to grab fast food on the way home until I spotted the Jollibee sign. I was so excited cause when did a Jollibee exists in the midwest?? I’ve only seen it on social media over on the west coast. I made my boyfriend turn back around so we could eat there, no way was I going to miss out on it. It was the best decision ever though because Jolibee is my new favorite fast food or quick restaurant place. My new go to!!! Jollibee is a Filipino chain fast food.

fried chicken and filipino spaghetti from jollibee

It’s so good that this Jollibee blog section is getting two pictures. It might look like it’s nothing special, but when I say FLAVOR I mean it. I basically dream about the wings and spaghetti everyday. We ordered the 10 pc ChickenJoy Bucket in Spicy with gravy for dipping and Jolly Spaghetti. The wings were perfectly spicy and juicy, not a dry meat in sight! Then the Jolly Spaghetti sure made me Jolly. It’s addicting stuff. The description on their website for the spaghetti is “our unique spaghetti topped with Jollibee’s signature sweet-style sauce, loaded with chunky slices of savory ham, ground meat, and hotdog.” It’s the best thing in the world.

I’m in need of some Jollibee after writing about it, looks like I need another Chicago trip soon. Ugh, Chicago has my foodie heart wrap around a finger. I will always go back for more food and regular adventures. I really don’t think I’ll ever get tired of Chicago. I think the next time I’ll be in town is for the Taste of Chicago Food Festival in July. Hopefully it all works out and I’ll be posting another blog soon! I know a lot of my followers live in the midwest, so these Chicago blogs are perfect hahah I hope everyone has a good day and night. You’ll be seeing more of me soon!
Remember! We don’t eat to live, we live to eat ♡

To Teenage Sally.

Hello you! It’s older you, age 26 from 2022. I just want to start off by pointing out how much love you had and how much love you put out in the world. No one has a big heart like you or will understand it. You put others before yourself every time and because of that, you got hurt. Just know that hurt went away and we’re focusing on healing it everyday. You grew up really fast, maybe too fast. I know it felt impossible to avoid. I don’t even think it could have been avoided and because of it you decided to live your life and have as much fun as you could. Which resulted with bad school grades and rejection college letters, regretful decisions, relationships with the wrong people and even some abuse. Life experiences that you didn’t expect.

A lot of good also came from this time era too and we were able to take more from that and put it towards who we are today. The rejection letters gave you more freedom to choose your own life path and not the one you felt like you had to take. The regretful decisions lead you to better understanding and a better way of thinking through things before doing them. Relationships with wrong people taught you what kind of people you wanted to surround yourself with and the red flags to avoid. The abuse gave you strength and a voice that you are not scared of using, you protect people in similar situations and your beliefs are very strong. Everything showed you how life really is, the reality of things. You are a big foundation of your future.

I want you to know that things that you didn’t accomplish in this part of your life really doesn’t matter later. You make things work, you problem solve, you actually have a good head on your shoulders, even though you don’t think you do. You made real friendships, lifetime friendships. It’s actually a lot of our 10 years friendship anniversaries this year or the next. We’re still working on things we didn’t accomplish before, but it’s more along the lines of what we really want and not what was expected from us. The love you poured out is reciprocated back 10x from all the babies, you helped show all these little girls what it’s like to have a loving auntie. Showed them what unconditional love is, that’s so much more than what most would be able to achieve and you did it that young.

The most important thing that you did was rebel and did what you wanted to do instead of what was expected. As an adult now, I praise you for that. It was very hard and a lot of tears were cried, even some now, but we’re in a good place. We’re good now. I’m here to remind you that you are worth everything, you are not a disappointment, you are enough.

To Teenage Sally, you are everything to not only yourself, but also to others. ♡

Protecting My Peace.

It’s something that has been talked about more and more each day, protecting your peace. So what does that actually mean? Basically protecting your space, your environment, not letting everyone take from you. You choose who gets your energy and those that don’t because they will drain you out. It doesn’t even have to be people, it can be actions or objects as well. Negative thoughts? Gone. Toxic family members? See you never. A gift that reminds you of a negative time in your life? Good bye.

I have a few stories of cutting certain friendships, relationships and connections that I really wanted to hold on to but no longer served, benefited or gave me joy. Now when I describe as ‘served me’ or ‘benefited’ I don’t mean it in a way that these were giving me something physical like money or material objects. I mean it in the way that they provided me with positive feelings, happiness, love, and support. Like they were there for me to lean on when needed without judgement or I didn’t feel like it was a competition of who does it better. People who are genuinely there for you, a two way relationship or connection.

Without getting into a lot of details because I still hope them the best, but I had to cut ties with a long term friendship, someone I knew the longest in my life. As we grew up, I think we grew apart and eventually that friendship started to drain me. I remained friends with this person for a long time after just hoping it would change cause I saw them as my #1 go to person. That friendship started to make me feel like we were competing with each other constantly. Eventually something happened, trust was broken and it was time to let go. As sad as it was to lose that friendship, I started feeling lighter, less drained. I no longer was in this negative mindset, it literally felt like I lost a storm cloud over my head. It’s just crazy how people can affect you negatively as much as they can positively.
Another way that I’m working on protecting my peace is being more private with my personal social medias. I had to learn that not everyone is rooting for you. They’re really rooting for your downfall and just waiting to kick you the moment you look like you’re starting to fall. With that even if I publicly outed them, it wouldn’t stop. I was actually fueling their fire, feeding into their ego and giving them the attention that they so badly seeked and needed without even knowing. So I went quiet, I went private. On personal pages of mine, you don’t get to see my life unless I allow you to. I show you what I want to be shown on the other pages that are a little less private. Did that make people mad? Yeah. Did it stop all the crazies though? About 85%, but I’ll take that over what it was before. Then it gave me the opportunity to create this blog to relate with so many out there. It gave me an opportunity to be able to make a safe creative space for myself. So remember, not everyone is there for you and not everyone is rooting for you. That’s fine though, just like how you don’t like certain people, certain people won’t like you. Not everyone is for you and you’re not for everyone. Protect your peace.

If you are feeling drained from certain connections or relationships, I hope you find your way too. I asked on my Instagram and facebook page how others protect their peace and here were some responses that I got back. Hopefully someone can find this useful. (Blocked out names out of respect!)

  • Learning how to not care so much about what others think or say
  • Having a self care routine and making time for yourself
  • Setting boundaries and having gratitude because everything happens for a reason
  • By staying home or limiting your time around certain people
  • When you start to overthink, repeat an affirmation over and over again

I appreciate those that share their thoughts on my Q&A’s and for all of you that read my blog post TONS ♡ I just want to connect with people even if it’s just on a social media level. If I can help, then why not you know? Always take what you need from the blog and leave what you don’t.
We’re out here to GROW, LOVE, and BE HAPPY.

My First Year in Wisconsin.

You read that right. It’s officially been a year since I moved from Michigan to Wisconsin. Time here flew by really fast, maybe a little too quick if you ask me. This past year has taught me a lot about myself, starting over, friendships and so much more. Moving states and changing environments has been good to me, it has humbled me and it has also brought out the worst of me. For the first time in my life, I felt like an outsider and I would be lying if I said it doesn’t still kind of feel that way. Adjusting to a brand new environment was a lot harder for me than what you would expect. Having to let go and move pass a life that you’ve always known is a lot harder than it seems. I guess I’m one of those people who prefer to be where I feel comfortable in, but I’m making it work.

I promised to be honest on my blog, so let’s talk about some of the downsides that came with moving. To start off, I miss my family and my friends so much even to this day and forever will. I’m so big on connections and being away from everyone really hit me hard. I’m missing out on seeing my nieces and nephew grow up and that probably hurts the most. I was so present in their lives and I absolutely adore and love them like my own kids. Hell, I missed my nephew’s birth and I cried after the call in the middle of a house party because I knew I wouldn’t be as present in his life like I was with the other babies. I’m also missing out on all the quality time with my parents, sibling and friends. They play such big roles in who I am as a person. My friends are literally my family, we celebrate everything together from big to small. It’s the connection, it’s the love and support.

Second, I lived in Grand Rapids, Michigan which I would say is super diverse, my friend group is also diverse, even the school I went to was pretty diverse. So it’s all that I’ve ever been around. Once I moved to Wisconsin, it was like the opposite of culture shock for me. I was around a group that mainly consisted of one ethnicity with one or two people of different culture. Even then, those one or two people were very educated in the ethnicity group where they even knew some of the language, music, food etc. so I actually felt like an outsider. Never have I felt that way or experienced something like it.

Third, there’s that saying ‘you can’t heal in an environment that has hurt you’ and as much as I would like to say it’s not true, there is some truth to it. I willingly moved on my own knowing the problems that I would face, knowing that I would be on alert and always on my toes waiting for something to happen. I knew it would be kind of negative at first, which I will say definitely did not help me with adjusting. Sad, but it’s how it was. I saw the outcome of the move to worth more than the hurt and that I could get passed all of it eventually. There were tons of people who tried to get to know me, but really their intentions were to really get to know what had happened before and to instigate or start new problems. I had to and sometimes still have to pick those people out from who my real friends are. It also keeps me stuck in a place or brings me back to it that I’m trying so hard to move forward from. It was hard to make genuine friendships because for a while I couldn’t make out the differences. You wouldn’t believe how many times I was told that I was stupid to move here or all the new anonymous accounts that tried to make my time here hell. Maybe all that can be talked about in another blog LOL. But yes that did happen and yes it use to get to me and yes I use to cry about it.
Now I’m not an angel or perfect, sometimes it’ll come up in conversation and it’s me that’s bringing it up. I’ll 100% claim that. I’m not fully moved on and now I’m living so much closer to the environment where it happened and with people around that knew. I had to learn how to forgive everyone and how to accept things and see things from different perspectives. I’ll keep working on it because I owe that to myself. I’m much more than what people think and I came here for a reason and maybe for a little vengeance, juuuuust kiddinggggg on that last part. If it happens it happens, ya know?

  • Processed with VSCO with g6 preset

Now time for the good part. Moving out of my hometown gave me a new start and even though that was hard to accept, I made my way and now I can literally do anything. I just needed this jump start. So if you plan on moving, do it. Just go ahead and do it. Do things for yourself. It may take time, but you’ll settle in eventually. I can say I’m more comfortable and I’m building my life here. I’ve also been learning new things about myself that I never knew. With having this space of being on my own, away from my friends and family, it has opened my eyes about who I am, my potential and who I can become. It’s exactly what I needed.

I met a lot of new people and made a lot of new friends and I even have some very close friends that I very much appreciate and love. My first year in Wisconsin also consisted of a lot of time spent in Minnesota or in different cities like Milwaukee and Sheboygan and even hotel living. If you know, you know. Long story short right after I moved to Wisconsin, I spent about a total of 3-5 months maybe in a hotel due to house cleaning, but because of that I can recommend some pretty nice hotels and restaurants in the Madison area if anyone plans to visit.

Overall it’s been a really good first year. I can honestly say I’m excited to see how the next few years will be because ya girl isn’t planning on moving anywhere else. It’s a lot of work and cost to move to a new state and I don’t have that in me again just yet. I didn’t think I had a lot of stuff to move until I filled up two cars. Plus I have so much in front of me that I wouldn’t want to miss out on. To my first year in Wisconsin and to another year coming, to all the life lessons, adventures and opportunities, CHEERS!
Now enjoy my little 1 year recap video below! ♡

To Childhood Sally.

Dear Childhood Sally (age 1-10),

Hello from 26 year old you from 2022. Oh god have I missed you! What it would be like to be as innocent and stress free again. You don’t even know it, but you have a whole entire life ahead of you that your tiny little child brain could never even imagine. What you dreamed for yourself at this age is not even close to who you become in your adult life. You dreamed of being a singer and dancer or a veterinarian. Sorry to break it to you, but you are none of those. Anyways, I’m here writing to you because I am currently trying to heal you, this inner child that I still carry around. This inner child that at this age went through multiple events that would change you and end up becoming your traumas.

Did you know that you grew up with some of the biggest technology advancements? You went from hit clips to burning cd’s, you were born right after web browsing became a thing, and the start of social media happened right before you hit middle school. You had that play outside and eat dirt childhood and you also adapted quite well with all the technology advancements happening. It’s so crazy to think about. Did you know you also went through your parent’s divorce? I won’t get into much detail, because we can keep that for ourselves, but you are a strong one. You struggled hard with that one and the struggle went on for years. That tiny child brain that couldn’t imagine her future was able to make her way through somehow.

You are so strong and I’m proud of you. I am working on healing your wounds that will eventually become present much later, but I am working on you. I want you to know that I see you and I hear you. I understand everything. I would love to go back in time and sit there to hug you at what you felt were your hardest moments. We are very much still alike still. We hide so much of our emotions because we don’t want other to see us that way. We still need that person to help with our bottled up emotions, but I’ll be that for you as much as I can. Thank you for giving me a great childhood regardless. By the way, we still love the color pink, we just went through a small phase ♡ 

Let Me Reintroduce Myself and SALLY♡THINGS.

I wrote a super brief first post of the reasoning behind creating SALLY♡THINGS, which you can read here <- click
I think that I was too excited about writing the first post so I didn’t write it the way that I had imagined. Plus the way I thought I would be using my blog turned out very differently, in a good way though. So let me reintroduce myself again!

My name is Sally Tran and I’m turning 27 this year in July. I am Vietnamese, part of the first American born generation of my family. I’m still very rooted with my culture and background, Vietnamese dishes are my favorite. Even though I don’t speak as fluent as I use too, I understand it perfectly fine. Okay, maybe more like 90%, but that’s enough to pass. A little fun fact, I discovered over the pandemic that I’m mixed with Italian about 20-25%! I was born and raised in Grand Rapids, Michigan, but now I live on the other side of Lake Michigan in Madison, Wisconsin. I love to eat, travel, attend concerts, shows, music festivals. EDM is what I listen to the most. I’m a little headbanger, but I do enjoy all other genres as well. Every time I travel or adventure to some place new, I fall in love with the world and life even more. It’s nice to meet all the new faces and to meet familiar ones over again!

I created my blog instagram back in 2018 with the visions and goals of reviewing products, specifically posting EDM content and hopefully becoming an influencer. When the pandemic started, it became harder to be category specific because of everything shutting down. That’s when I created my WordPress blog SALLY♡THINGS where I had a place to post more of my personal experiences and thoughts, where I don’t have to be category specific and I could write novels if I wanted too. Along the way, I changed my end goals from influencer to blogger. I would like SALLY♡THINGS to be a brand/phrase/business that people hear and can put my face to it. I’m working on making it my creative space. I have many, many, many ideas of where I would like to go with it and I’m slowly working on making those ideas come to life. I’m not an influencer, I’m barely a blogger and not yet a business woman. I am a 26 year old figuring out life and trying to make her dreams come true!
Thank you for reading and thank you for all the support on everything I’ve posted and all the different social media adventures that I’ve had. Most importantly, thank you for the love and kindness! ♡

ps – I do have stickers made of my logo if you would like one or a few, I’d be more than happy to ship them out to you. Just send me a dm or email! I also haven’t been very active with posting lately, but I’m just trying to get my life together personally and work wise. Self care is important and it’s okay to cut some stuff out or put some things on pause to make more room and time ♡

What A Strange Feeling.

*Read if you can handle without judgement*

Before you go on to read this, I would like to warn that I will be talking about death and cancer. I know those can be hard topics for others to read. This post is for myself. It’s to help process through my grieving and to help recognize my own ways of coping and feelings. There might be some things that I say that seem harsh, but just remember that all of our experiences are different from each others. We can always learn new perspectives and be more open to different lifestyles. This is all raw emotions, read if you can handle without judgement.

October 8:
I’ve been feeling so stuck-like since I got the news back in September. My grandpa has cancer and he has months to live. Why do I feel stuck about this? Well I never had a positive relationship with him. Which makes it tricky because I do not know how I feel about how his life is coming to an end soon, but also I feel sad because no one should ever have to deal with cancer and know that they are slowly dying everyday from it.

Growing up I always was scared of my grandpa, he was an alcoholic and chain smoker. He looked mean or mad all the time, he had a tone of voice where it would scare me as if I was in trouble at all times. My grandparents ended up separating and I ended up hearing stories about how he abusive he was and even at a young age of 6 hearing this, I did not doubt it one bit. He had those qualities in him, I knew he had those qualities within him for as long as I can remember. He was and is no role model to me, but a figure that I know not to be. I vaguely remember, but I’m sure I remember visiting him in jail before and being there to pick him up when he got released. I was only in early elementary. I will be really honest and say I don’t have much feelings about hearing about his cancer and I can disassociate myself very well from him. He lived in the same house as me since I was in high school and we didn’t talk to each other at all unless it was absolutely necessary. I grew up around him, ignoring him, that was our relationship. I don’t think I grew up hating him or resenting him, I just grew up not caring. Sounds sad, but it is what is it.

November 23:
This is the second time where they said my grandpa doesn’t have much longer before he loses his battle to cancer. I can’t imagine how my mom is feeling and I feel even worse that I can’t be at home to help and to comfort her. It’s hard being away in another state when these things happen. I still feel very stuck. Whenever I think about it I want to cry, but I can never fully cry. I’m sad that his condition is getting worse, but also I don’t feel any personal feelings. For a person who feels a lot of emotions and have empath-like qualities, it’s very strange to feel so distant from this. This is a part of why I’ve been feeling not myself and lost lately. This is bringing out something strange that I’ve never felt before. It’s like I almost feel bad for myself for not feeling more for my grandpa. Is that selfish? Why am I even feeling for myself in the first place?

I have accepted that he’s going to pass, but hearing about how the cancer is taking over, I feel sorry for him. I’ll say it a million times, no one should ever have to experience cancer.

Life’s been hitting different lately.

November 28:
Celebrating Thanksgiving was a ride for me personally. It was mentally, physically and emotionally draining from being in my own head. I was so much in my head I started to think that I shouldn’t be allowed to be thankful because that would be selfish of me. Why should I celebrate when someone in my family is slowly passing away? It doesn’t feel right and especially since I can’t be on my mom’s side for it all. Thankfully I was able pulled myself out of that negative mindset and did the best I could. It did make me sad that I wasn’t around my family this year, but being around the families and friends here in Wisconsin helped a bit with that. I’ve taken into consideration that maybe with me being here and not home might be better for me mentally. I’m not dealing or seeing the cancer progress everyday, maybe this is better because I really wouldn’t know how I would be.
Even with this, where I don’t know my true feelings or how healthy I’m coping with it, I should never think that I can’t be thankful. Now is the time for me to be thankful for what hasn’t come yet and what is currently the situation. I need to see the positive side of this and not just the negative. I have so much to be thankful for and besides no news is good news at least. This holiday season is going to be a tough one.

December 2 (drunk Sally): I’m not okay. Maybe this is me realizing it, but I’m not doing okay with coping. Too many unresolved feelings that i have no idea to go about. I feel like I’m surrounded by death and I can’t do anything and it’s the truth. I can’t do anything about it and it makes me feel helpless and I want to go numb. Feeling numb to it will stop me from feeling whatever the hell I’m feeling. This is actually really hard on me and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been and still feel lost. No one sees it either, but also I know I’m doing good at making sure no one notices. I really don’t want to explain it to anyone, my confusion and my unknowing of all of this. I really just find a quick time to cry, then go about my day.

January 12: I don’t understand if I have hate for you or if I’ve grown to dislike you as a person or it’s none of that and I hate that this is happening to you. Do I feel bad for you or feel pity? I’m not sure. I don’t understand things still, but it’s not bringing me down as much. What I also don’t understand is how you caused pain, trauma, and hurt to those around you before and continue doing that with your selfish ways still. How can someone live with that? My inner child has hurt in her heart, I know that much. She’s never had the experience of a grandparents love from not only you, but from both grandparents and maybe I feel sad because I know I’ll never get that. I grew up hearing stories from my friends and classmates about how much they love their grandparents and watching movies of warm hugs and sloppy kisses, but me? No where close. I have one happy-like memory of my grandpa. I only remember it because I saw it from a photo or a home video, but I was very young. Maybe under the age of 4 and my grandpa is holding me, I’m sitting in his lap. It must have been my birthday or maybe someone else’s and he’s smiling and looks happy. It looks fine, but all I can see and feel is a scared little child. How did you manage to cause hurt and pain in me too? I want to heal this part of me, I want to save the little girl. What is it that I’m not remembering? I don’t want to live a life like yours. I don’t want to be you, I don’t want to cause hurt.

February 2: Regardless of how I feel, I hope you are at peace and I’m wishing that you find it during these days if you haven’t yet. I couldn’t look at you when I went home and that speaks a lot of volume to me. Whatever is happening during these days I hope it helps you transition to your final days. I hope it eases your pain. There’s no date, but another few weeks. This time, like the others, this is it. Something tells me it might actually be it. It’s hard to be told every few weeks that you only have a little bit of time left, it’s sad. To be told over and over, it’s heartbreaking actually. I’ve had a day today and no chance to express or let out my feelings. I had to continue with life cause it doesn’t stop for those who need it. I’m having a hard time unpacking my feelings now because I had to bottle it up all day today. It’s like it’s been sitting in there for too long and it’s jammed, can’t get the lid off.

March 3: It’s been a harder week than usual. I found out on my trip in Colorado that you only had 24-48 hours left. I had two more days of that trip with friends and I didn’t want bring everyone else down too. I’ll admit it, I cried. I cried because death is sad because I’m sure it wasn’t and hasn’t been easy for you. I got the news of the passing a few days later. I heard the sadness from my mom at 3 am and it broke my heart hearing her so sad. My feelings have been everywhere since. It’s a weird grieving process for me because I don’t think what I feel is the “right” way to feel, but I feel a sense of relief. You aren’t in any pain, you aren’t limited like how you were towards the end. You aren’t suffering anymore. I couldn’t go up to the casket today during the visitation, I’m not sure why and I’m okay with not knowing. Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try to figure out my feelings again.

March 8: It’s been a few days since all the funeral ceremonies. It’s been a ride. I cried yesterday to unpack all the feeling that has cone with the last 6 months. It was relieving to let it all out. The stress, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the relief, all of it. From what I’ve gotten from all of this is there were some unresolved feelings that I have and they will honestly stay unresolved and I have to be okay with that. If I can take what I watched, heard, and learned from you and apply or not apply it to the rest of my life then you played your part in my life. Sometimes we have to have good role models and bad role models, it is what it is.
One more uplifting thing that came from all of this is that I got to see and catch up with some of my younger cousins that I haven’t seen in over 13 years. Good things do come from bad things. What matters most is, you’re now at peace and we can all take this with us and move on.

I’ve watched cancer take away a very close family friend before, I’ve seen cancer at it’s worst and what it can do to a person mentally and physically. I’ve seen cancer play tricks, where the person will have one good week followed by the worst week. This is now a second person in my life to have passed from it and during the holidays.
Those that have lost someone from cancer, you are not alone. It’s okay to feel the way you do, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s also okay not to know how you feel. The only thing you can do is to take your memories and learn from them. Hold those around you close and let them know you love them. Life is short and we all just have to make the best of it. Hold the memories of those who passed close to you and pass those good memories on to others. Regardless of how my experience was compared to yours, my inbox is always open for those in need.

Stepping Into Unknown Territory — The Truth.

What a time to be me. In a positive way, what a time to be me. I get to step into this unknown territory, this unknown area, an unknown place with these unknown feelings. I get to choose, feel, think, and speak for myself and only myself. I get to choose for myself without having to worry about putting someone else’s responsibilities first. I can finally put myself first.

It’s very new to me. I can’t think of a time where I was able to put myself first — like ever. That’s crazy right? I’ve put others before me — what feels like my entire life. Not anymore. So how does that make me feel? Honestly, it doesn’t feel right, it feels very off. I feel very selfish and somewhat empty. I felt fulfilled by being needed by others even if it drained me or held me back from what I could actually achieve. But hey, at least they still needed me, I am that much. I’m learning to understand that I am much more than that, but I also can be that person for others still. I’m learning to understand that I can put myself first and still take care of others, I just had my priorities backwards. It’s whats making this such a new territory for me. I had it wrong all along and I’m okay with admitting to that.

Who was I to be working three jobs to support not only myself, but three other people who were very much capable of taking care of themselves? Who was I to feel like such a disappointment when I couldn’t help pay bills for someone that made more than me with their one job verses my three? Who was I to feel like a failure for dropping out of school because people were throwing their responsibilities on me and I had no choice, but to take it all on? I can’t help but to feel rage and anger because it felt like I had no other choice. I also don’t want to hold onto those feelings because it’s so heavy and it’s so tiring to hold that hurt in your heart. I want to forgive.

Truth be told, I can finally think of goals for myself and actually work towards them. Before, I would come up with a goal, but I would always fail because I wasn’t my own first priority. I constantly failed at things because I put others before me and I let that eat me up. Eat me up to a point where I gave up on dreams and goals and adjusted living my life around everyone else’s schedules. I’m not entirely mad about it because I learned the lessons that came with, but it makes me sad to look back on sometimes. I poured my heart out and into everyone around me and left nothing for myself. Truth be told, even though I’m happy that I get to move forward and it’s exciting to see myself take these little steps, I have no idea what I’m doing. When you are so focused on others around you, you forget about yourself. I always knew how I wanted to end up in life, but I was never able to think about the details of how I would get there. It was like okay I’m at point A, I need to get to point C, but never thought of point B.

I know I have a lot of work to put forward and to put in. I know before I can fully enjoy what’s ahead of me, I have to learn to let this all stay behind me. Even though I felt a sense of fulfillment before, I have to unlearn it and go through this confusing emptiness. I have to be very cautious in what I do until I actually know what to do. Last thing I want is seeing myself fall into old ways again. This is the truth, this is my truth, this is me.

I Don’t Want To Let You Down, But I Got To Let You Know.

I don’t want to let you down, but I got to let you know that I’m trying my best even if it seems differently. I won’t be at the bestest best, but a very low best and that’s the best I can do right now. Things feel heavy and sometimes they get heavier. I’m currently at my lowest best. I know time has been going by and it seems like things haven’t changed or maybe it’s gotten a little worst, but know that at the end of the day I’ll still be okay. Even if it seems like all I ever feel is sad, stressed or want to cry, I’ll eventually be okay. Nobody wants to see the truth, but the truth is it’s not all rainbows and butterflies over here and it seems like it won’t be for a little while longer. Don’t feel like you can change things, it just has to run its course.

So with that being said, thank you. Thank you for the kind words and messages that I’ve received these past few months. I tried so hard to hide my struggles and sadness, but it made me feel even worse and tired. It’s okay to feel those feeling in front of others, there’s no shame. Everyone feels them. In a weird way, knowing that others can see the changes has help me accept what I’m going through and has helped validate my feelings. It makes me feel more like a person, a real person, a real person who is living a real life. Maybe somewhere along the way I’ve lost a sense of that. It’s been a weird and unusual two years.

I don’t want let you down, but I got to let you know I’m doing my best. I’m going to continue working on finding little joys and love in little things and celebrating the small little things. ♡

To The Little Girl.

To the little girl,

There’s so much that I could tell you, but where would I even begin? You’ve been through more than most and your experiences are a little more complicated. I’ll start with these few things and we’ll go as we uncover more inner child situations.

You’re confidence and genuine.

You probably think this is crazy coming from this age, but you were very confident in yourself. Probably more confident than you are now at the age of 26. You were never scared of going for what you want. Yes, shy, but you still went for whatever it was that you set your mind too. You are also very genuine and authentic to yourself even though you felt like you should change. People like who you are, the real you. It’s okay to stand out, it’s not a bad thing. I know being shy, but also always standing out was a conflicting inner mess. You naturally stood out no matter how hard you tried to fit in and be the same as everyone else. It just wasn’t you and you do learn how to embrace it later.

Everything thrown your way actually made you a better person.

Yep, that’s right. Everything that you went through no matter how hard it was, it changed you for the better. It gave you perspective and opened your mind. No matter how hurtful it was or how sad you felt, you managed to keep your heart open and full. I want to say thank you, thank you for being so strong and not giving up. I’ll say this over and over, but I’m so proud of you. I know you needed to hear those words more often.

I’m proud of you.

You cried many tears for many years wanting to hear those words. You felt like everyone was always wanting and expecting you to be exactly like older sissy. Nothing wrong with that because she’s super smart and has her life together, but it just isn’t the same fit for you. You think differently, you act differently, you view things differently. You both will have two very different lives that you’ll live and the best part of that is you’ll learn from each other. More than you would have if you were her exact copy, the copy everyone tried to hold you up to. You are your own person and having someone’s recognition of that would have saved you lots and lots of tears. You would have had that validation that you craved so badly. I’m sorry you still struggle with this, but it’s getting lighter and lighter.

I’m sorry that this is what sticks with you and is your biggest struggle. That it’s so hard for you to bring up or talk about without tearing up and shutting out. To the little girl, if I could go back in time I would go back to every time you cried over not feeling enough or recognized and give you the biggest hug. A hug that would heal the both of us cause well… it’s still something that comes up now from time to time. I’m proud of you though and I want you to know that others do feel the same way.

To the little girl,

I’m sorry you felt lack of affection and love. I’m sorry that it caused you to stay in relationships that weren’t the best for you because you didn’t know better. I’m sorry it caused you to hold on to something that wasn’t there or that you hoped it would show up later. There wasn’t anything that you could have done that would have changed it. There’s consequences to every decision made and it’s unavoidable. You made the best of what you could. The lack of affection and love is actually really common with first gen American born kids. It’s hard for not only you, but your parents too. They were adapting and learning a new way of life as well as having to raise kids and trying to heal from their own traumas.

I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for taking everything like a champ because without you, there would not be this current version of me. I could be coldhearted, shut everything and everyone out and hate the world around me, including everything in it. Instead, I care and love with all my heart and still have space to allow more things to care and love in. I know who I am, I know who we are. I will continue to live this way and I will continue to work on healing you.

To the little girl, without you there is no me.