Tag: My Life

What A Strange Feeling.

*Read if you can handle without judgement*

Before you go on to read this, I would like to warn that I will be talking about death and cancer. I know those can be hard topics for others to read. This post is for myself. It’s to help process through my grieving and to help recognize my own ways of coping and feelings. There might be some things that I say that seem harsh, but just remember that all of our experiences are different from each others. We can always learn new perspectives and be more open to different lifestyles. This is all raw emotions, read if you can handle without judgement.

October 8:
I’ve been feeling so stuck-like since I got the news back in September. My grandpa has cancer and he has months to live. Why do I feel stuck about this? Well I never had a positive relationship with him. Which makes it tricky because I do not know how I feel about how his life is coming to an end soon, but also I feel sad because no one should ever have to deal with cancer and know that they are slowly dying everyday from it.

Growing up I always was scared of my grandpa, he was an alcoholic and chain smoker. He looked mean or mad all the time, he had a tone of voice where it would scare me as if I was in trouble at all times. My grandparents ended up separating and I ended up hearing stories about how he abusive he was and even at a young age of 6 hearing this, I did not doubt it one bit. He had those qualities in him, I knew he had those qualities within him for as long as I can remember. He was and is no role model to me, but a figure that I know not to be. I vaguely remember, but I’m sure I remember visiting him in jail before and being there to pick him up when he got released. I was only in early elementary. I will be really honest and say I don’t have much feelings about hearing about his cancer and I can disassociate myself very well from him. He lived in the same house as me since I was in high school and we didn’t talk to each other at all unless it was absolutely necessary. I grew up around him, ignoring him, that was our relationship. I don’t think I grew up hating him or resenting him, I just grew up not caring. Sounds sad, but it is what is it.

November 23:
This is the second time where they said my grandpa doesn’t have much longer before he loses his battle to cancer. I can’t imagine how my mom is feeling and I feel even worse that I can’t be at home to help and to comfort her. It’s hard being away in another state when these things happen. I still feel very stuck. Whenever I think about it I want to cry, but I can never fully cry. I’m sad that his condition is getting worse, but also I don’t feel any personal feelings. For a person who feels a lot of emotions and have empath-like qualities, it’s very strange to feel so distant from this. This is a part of why I’ve been feeling not myself and lost lately. This is bringing out something strange that I’ve never felt before. It’s like I almost feel bad for myself for not feeling more for my grandpa. Is that selfish? Why am I even feeling for myself in the first place?

I have accepted that he’s going to pass, but hearing about how the cancer is taking over, I feel sorry for him. I’ll say it a million times, no one should ever have to experience cancer.

Life’s been hitting different lately.

November 28:
Celebrating Thanksgiving was a ride for me personally. It was mentally, physically and emotionally draining from being in my own head. I was so much in my head I started to think that I shouldn’t be allowed to be thankful because that would be selfish of me. Why should I celebrate when someone in my family is slowly passing away? It doesn’t feel right and especially since I can’t be on my mom’s side for it all. Thankfully I was able pulled myself out of that negative mindset and did the best I could. It did make me sad that I wasn’t around my family this year, but being around the families and friends here in Wisconsin helped a bit with that. I’ve taken into consideration that maybe with me being here and not home might be better for me mentally. I’m not dealing or seeing the cancer progress everyday, maybe this is better because I really wouldn’t know how I would be.
Even with this, where I don’t know my true feelings or how healthy I’m coping with it, I should never think that I can’t be thankful. Now is the time for me to be thankful for what hasn’t come yet and what is currently the situation. I need to see the positive side of this and not just the negative. I have so much to be thankful for and besides no news is good news at least. This holiday season is going to be a tough one.

December 2 (drunk Sally): I’m not okay. Maybe this is me realizing it, but I’m not doing okay with coping. Too many unresolved feelings that i have no idea to go about. I feel like I’m surrounded by death and I can’t do anything and it’s the truth. I can’t do anything about it and it makes me feel helpless and I want to go numb. Feeling numb to it will stop me from feeling whatever the hell I’m feeling. This is actually really hard on me and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been and still feel lost. No one sees it either, but also I know I’m doing good at making sure no one notices. I really don’t want to explain it to anyone, my confusion and my unknowing of all of this. I really just find a quick time to cry, then go about my day.

January 12: I don’t understand if I have hate for you or if I’ve grown to dislike you as a person or it’s none of that and I hate that this is happening to you. Do I feel bad for you or feel pity? I’m not sure. I don’t understand things still, but it’s not bringing me down as much. What I also don’t understand is how you caused pain, trauma, and hurt to those around you before and continue doing that with your selfish ways still. How can someone live with that? My inner child has hurt in her heart, I know that much. She’s never had the experience of a grandparents love from not only you, but from both grandparents and maybe I feel sad because I know I’ll never get that. I grew up hearing stories from my friends and classmates about how much they love their grandparents and watching movies of warm hugs and sloppy kisses, but me? No where close. I have one happy-like memory of my grandpa. I only remember it because I saw it from a photo or a home video, but I was very young. Maybe under the age of 4 and my grandpa is holding me, I’m sitting in his lap. It must have been my birthday or maybe someone else’s and he’s smiling and looks happy. It looks fine, but all I can see and feel is a scared little child. How did you manage to cause hurt and pain in me too? I want to heal this part of me, I want to save the little girl. What is it that I’m not remembering? I don’t want to live a life like yours. I don’t want to be you, I don’t want to cause hurt.

February 2: Regardless of how I feel, I hope you are at peace and I’m wishing that you find it during these days if you haven’t yet. I couldn’t look at you when I went home and that speaks a lot of volume to me. Whatever is happening during these days I hope it helps you transition to your final days. I hope it eases your pain. There’s no date, but another few weeks. This time, like the others, this is it. Something tells me it might actually be it. It’s hard to be told every few weeks that you only have a little bit of time left, it’s sad. To be told over and over, it’s heartbreaking actually. I’ve had a day today and no chance to express or let out my feelings. I had to continue with life cause it doesn’t stop for those who need it. I’m having a hard time unpacking my feelings now because I had to bottle it up all day today. It’s like it’s been sitting in there for too long and it’s jammed, can’t get the lid off.

March 3: It’s been a harder week than usual. I found out on my trip in Colorado that you only had 24-48 hours left. I had two more days of that trip with friends and I didn’t want bring everyone else down too. I’ll admit it, I cried. I cried because death is sad because I’m sure it wasn’t and hasn’t been easy for you. I got the news of the passing a few days later. I heard the sadness from my mom at 3 am and it broke my heart hearing her so sad. My feelings have been everywhere since. It’s a weird grieving process for me because I don’t think what I feel is the “right” way to feel, but I feel a sense of relief. You aren’t in any pain, you aren’t limited like how you were towards the end. You aren’t suffering anymore. I couldn’t go up to the casket today during the visitation, I’m not sure why and I’m okay with not knowing. Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try to figure out my feelings again.

March 8: It’s been a few days since all the funeral ceremonies. It’s been a ride. I cried yesterday to unpack all the feeling that has cone with the last 6 months. It was relieving to let it all out. The stress, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the relief, all of it. From what I’ve gotten from all of this is there were some unresolved feelings that I have and they will honestly stay unresolved and I have to be okay with that. If I can take what I watched, heard, and learned from you and apply or not apply it to the rest of my life then you played your part in my life. Sometimes we have to have good role models and bad role models, it is what it is.
One more uplifting thing that came from all of this is that I got to see and catch up with some of my younger cousins that I haven’t seen in over 13 years. Good things do come from bad things. What matters most is, you’re now at peace and we can all take this with us and move on.

I’ve watched cancer take away a very close family friend before, I’ve seen cancer at it’s worst and what it can do to a person mentally and physically. I’ve seen cancer play tricks, where the person will have one good week followed by the worst week. This is now a second person in my life to have passed from it and during the holidays.
Those that have lost someone from cancer, you are not alone. It’s okay to feel the way you do, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s also okay not to know how you feel. The only thing you can do is to take your memories and learn from them. Hold those around you close and let them know you love them. Life is short and we all just have to make the best of it. Hold the memories of those who passed close to you and pass those good memories on to others. Regardless of how my experience was compared to yours, my inbox is always open for those in need.

Stepping Into Unknown Territory — The Truth.

What a time to be me. In a positive way, what a time to be me. I get to step into this unknown territory, this unknown area, an unknown place with these unknown feelings. I get to choose, feel, think, and speak for myself and only myself. I get to choose for myself without having to worry about putting someone else’s responsibilities first. I can finally put myself first.

It’s very new to me. I can’t think of a time where I was able to put myself first — like ever. That’s crazy right? I’ve put others before me — what feels like my entire life. Not anymore. So how does that make me feel? Honestly, it doesn’t feel right, it feels very off. I feel very selfish and somewhat empty. I felt fulfilled by being needed by others even if it drained me or held me back from what I could actually achieve. But hey, at least they still needed me, I am that much. I’m learning to understand that I am much more than that, but I also can be that person for others still. I’m learning to understand that I can put myself first and still take care of others, I just had my priorities backwards. It’s whats making this such a new territory for me. I had it wrong all along and I’m okay with admitting to that.

Who was I to be working three jobs to support not only myself, but three other people who were very much capable of taking care of themselves? Who was I to feel like such a disappointment when I couldn’t help pay bills for someone that made more than me with their one job verses my three? Who was I to feel like a failure for dropping out of school because people were throwing their responsibilities on me and I had no choice, but to take it all on? I can’t help but to feel rage and anger because it felt like I had no other choice. I also don’t want to hold onto those feelings because it’s so heavy and it’s so tiring to hold that hurt in your heart. I want to forgive.

Truth be told, I can finally think of goals for myself and actually work towards them. Before, I would come up with a goal, but I would always fail because I wasn’t my own first priority. I constantly failed at things because I put others before me and I let that eat me up. Eat me up to a point where I gave up on dreams and goals and adjusted living my life around everyone else’s schedules. I’m not entirely mad about it because I learned the lessons that came with, but it makes me sad to look back on sometimes. I poured my heart out and into everyone around me and left nothing for myself. Truth be told, even though I’m happy that I get to move forward and it’s exciting to see myself take these little steps, I have no idea what I’m doing. When you are so focused on others around you, you forget about yourself. I always knew how I wanted to end up in life, but I was never able to think about the details of how I would get there. It was like okay I’m at point A, I need to get to point C, but never thought of point B.

I know I have a lot of work to put forward and to put in. I know before I can fully enjoy what’s ahead of me, I have to learn to let this all stay behind me. Even though I felt a sense of fulfillment before, I have to unlearn it and go through this confusing emptiness. I have to be very cautious in what I do until I actually know what to do. Last thing I want is seeing myself fall into old ways again. This is the truth, this is my truth, this is me.

I Don’t Want To Let You Down, But I Got To Let You Know.

I don’t want to let you down, but I got to let you know that I’m trying my best even if it seems differently. I won’t be at the bestest best, but a very low best and that’s the best I can do right now. Things feel heavy and sometimes they get heavier. I’m currently at my lowest best. I know time has been going by and it seems like things haven’t changed or maybe it’s gotten a little worst, but know that at the end of the day I’ll still be okay. Even if it seems like all I ever feel is sad, stressed or want to cry, I’ll eventually be okay. Nobody wants to see the truth, but the truth is it’s not all rainbows and butterflies over here and it seems like it won’t be for a little while longer. Don’t feel like you can change things, it just has to run its course.

So with that being said, thank you. Thank you for the kind words and messages that I’ve received these past few months. I tried so hard to hide my struggles and sadness, but it made me feel even worse and tired. It’s okay to feel those feeling in front of others, there’s no shame. Everyone feels them. In a weird way, knowing that others can see the changes has help me accept what I’m going through and has helped validate my feelings. It makes me feel more like a person, a real person, a real person who is living a real life. Maybe somewhere along the way I’ve lost a sense of that. It’s been a weird and unusual two years.

I don’t want let you down, but I got to let you know I’m doing my best. I’m going to continue working on finding little joys and love in little things and celebrating the small little things. ♡

To The Little Girl.

To the little girl,

There’s so much that I could tell you, but where would I even begin? You’ve been through more than most and your experiences are a little more complicated. I’ll start with these few things and we’ll go as we uncover more inner child situations.

You’re confidence and genuine.

You probably think this is crazy coming from this age, but you were very confident in yourself. Probably more confident than you are now at the age of 26. You were never scared of going for what you want. Yes, shy, but you still went for whatever it was that you set your mind too. You are also very genuine and authentic to yourself even though you felt like you should change. People like who you are, the real you. It’s okay to stand out, it’s not a bad thing. I know being shy, but also always standing out was a conflicting inner mess. You naturally stood out no matter how hard you tried to fit in and be the same as everyone else. It just wasn’t you and you do learn how to embrace it later.

Everything thrown your way actually made you a better person.

Yep, that’s right. Everything that you went through no matter how hard it was, it changed you for the better. It gave you perspective and opened your mind. No matter how hurtful it was or how sad you felt, you managed to keep your heart open and full. I want to say thank you, thank you for being so strong and not giving up. I’ll say this over and over, but I’m so proud of you. I know you needed to hear those words more often.

I’m proud of you.

You cried many tears for many years wanting to hear those words. You felt like everyone was always wanting and expecting you to be exactly like older sissy. Nothing wrong with that because she’s super smart and has her life together, but it just isn’t the same fit for you. You think differently, you act differently, you view things differently. You both will have two very different lives that you’ll live and the best part of that is you’ll learn from each other. More than you would have if you were her exact copy, the copy everyone tried to hold you up to. You are your own person and having someone’s recognition of that would have saved you lots and lots of tears. You would have had that validation that you craved so badly. I’m sorry you still struggle with this, but it’s getting lighter and lighter.

I’m sorry that this is what sticks with you and is your biggest struggle. That it’s so hard for you to bring up or talk about without tearing up and shutting out. To the little girl, if I could go back in time I would go back to every time you cried over not feeling enough or recognized and give you the biggest hug. A hug that would heal the both of us cause well… it’s still something that comes up now from time to time. I’m proud of you though and I want you to know that others do feel the same way.

To the little girl,

I’m sorry you felt lack of affection and love. I’m sorry that it caused you to stay in relationships that weren’t the best for you because you didn’t know better. I’m sorry it caused you to hold on to something that wasn’t there or that you hoped it would show up later. There wasn’t anything that you could have done that would have changed it. There’s consequences to every decision made and it’s unavoidable. You made the best of what you could. The lack of affection and love is actually really common with first gen American born kids. It’s hard for not only you, but your parents too. They were adapting and learning a new way of life as well as having to raise kids and trying to heal from their own traumas.

I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for taking everything like a champ because without you, there would not be this current version of me. I could be coldhearted, shut everything and everyone out and hate the world around me, including everything in it. Instead, I care and love with all my heart and still have space to allow more things to care and love in. I know who I am, I know who we are. I will continue to live this way and I will continue to work on healing you.

To the little girl, without you there is no me.

2022.

It’s the new year, so what are my goals or new year resolutions? Well this year I’m not going to make any. Not that I don’t have any, but don’t you guys ever get stuck with a list that never gets finished or your goals change? In my 26 years of life, I know whatever list I make now will not be what I accomplish later. I’m more of a do as you go type of person. So here is all that I wish for me and for you. Take what you need and leave what you don’t.

I wish for your happiness and peace. I wish you heal the things that you do not speak or know. I wish for the growth and lessons that will push you to be a better person. I wish for the love that will forever stay with you. I wish you will take the bad days and remember that it’s just a bad day and that you don’t take all the good days for granted. I hope that you love yourself more and you do more for yourself. Whatever you’ve been trying to chase to fill that empty feeling, I hope you catch it and it lights a light in your soul that never goes out again. For all the tears that you cried in 2021, you don’t meet them again. I hope you remember to take more photos or videos. I wish for good health and wellness. That every person you come across is as genuine as you. You’ll get the break you need this year to sit down and absorb all that you have done and to relax. I wish you the best in your business plans because I know you’re capable and I know you have it in you. All your creative thoughts get brought to life this year. I hope you do take some things from last year and you keep working on them. Those are not achieved in just a year, it’s something you have to constantly work on for the rest of your life. That you do not forget who you are as a person. All the built up anger, I don’t want you to just let go of it and forgive, I want it to fuel the passion of making yourself better. Use it in a good way and not as a flamethrower and use it to burn others in words.
You know what? Settle in already, push your pride aside and accept what has been waiting for you. You could’ve had more good and balance if you were more open to accepting help. It’s okay to get help, you need other people, we all need people. I wish something clicks in you and you stop living on survival mode, you made it, you can rest. Let someone else take care of you for once. I wish you get the nurture you give to others and you accept it without feeling weak and if you end up feeling that way then you allow yourself to be okay with that. All the battles you have within are put to an end. I wish you live life for what it is and that you continue to do that. Love every little thing in the world more including yourself. ♡

Make your words matter this year.

A Girl and Her Honey Citrus Mint Tea.

It’s that time of year again where the leaves start to change, then it starts to get cold and snow. The daylight hours are almost non existent unless you’re a morning person and Starbucks is killing the holiday drink game. Which also means it’s that time of year where I somehow get a cold and all I drink is the Honey Citrus Mint Tea. So here I am, sitting, writing and sipping on some tea.

This first half of winter is beating me up. Boy I’ve been struggling, but I’m getting through. These last few days of 2021 are big reflection days for me. Just going over how my year was, what I wish I would have done differently and what I did that was best for me. I can say I don’t have much regrets at all, but I could have done more for myself. A lesson that I’ll forever be learning. I’ve done a lot and got through a lot this year, so I’m going to take this moment to congratulate and celebrate because damn it was emotional! All the different feelings that I had this year was way beyond any other years. Sally, take another sip of your Honey Citrus Mint Tea cause you deserve it. You did it.

Some highlights of 2021: I was a manager of an hibachi restaurant during the constant changing covid restrictions era. That in itself is a huge accomplishment. I was able to work with my old manager for a month before moving and I adore working with her and just adore her! I was surprised with a going away party from my Sakura family and I cried my little heart out. I love them so much and miss working with them tons ♡ They’re like family to me. I worked there for 4 years with most of them. They saw every bad and good day that I had, they went through and helped me go through all of my early and mid 20’s crisis. I will never forget my last day there because of everyone!

To all the traveling and trips done in 2021, CHEERS! I had an excellent year in food and adventure. I fell in love with views over and over again, I found things that brought out happiness in me that I wouldn’t get if I stayed home. I ate at the Versace mansion which is still so surreal to me! Traveling brings out the best of me and also the fun side LOL If you saw me in Miami, I’m still wondering where that Sally came from, I want her back. I will not stop traveling, it feeds my soul.

My going away party thrown by my friends. That is a huge highlight of 2021, one that I hold so close. You don’t really know how much you’re loved until it’s shown to you. I’m so blessed that I have all these people in my life that enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. It isn’t the last time that we were all going to be together, but that would be it for a while. They give me so much support all the time even with the distance and for that I am truly truly grateful.

My move! Sheeeeeeeeesh it’s been a ride. I moved in April of 2021 to Wisconsin and I still call soda “Pop” and “ope, let me squeeze right past ya” I’m still that Michigan girl. Moving really tested me and I would be lying if I said that I’m fully settled in now cause truth is I’m not, but that’s okay. I’m enjoying it and I’ve met a lot of great people that I consider my really close friends. My boyfriend deserves a huge thank you for being with me every step of the way and helping me make sure I make it as close to home as possible. He is my home guys hehe ♡ The whole summer is a highlight though. All the trips, events, drinking… ya’ll are wild, but a fun wild. Everyone needs to get crazy to survive this crazy world anyways. Thanks to Wisconsin my alcohol tolerance went up HAHA No, but I’m thankful that I get to call Wisconsin my second home, that I get to spend everyday in love with my love and that I’m surrounded by friends who care for me (including my non MI & WI friends that I met through everyone in WI)

My last big highlight that I would like to add is seeing Ramses’s custom runway line being walked live!!! Ramses is one of my closest friend and he does custom apparel under his brand Ramraves. I’ve got to witness and help with the beginning process of Ramraves and to see his work go in a Runway?? PROUD. SOOO PROUD. Ramses when you read this I just want to let you know that I’m still so in awe. Keep it up, opportunities are coming this year! I love you!

To those who are reading this, I hope you had a great new year and this year treats everyone better. It was a rough one for not only myself, but everyone else too. I do want to thank you for all the views, I hit 10k views right before the year ended and that was a cool little milestone and accomplishment for me. For whatever reason you’re visiting my blog to read, I hope you get the year you deserve.

Cheers to 2022! ♡

What Was Once Before is Not Again.

What was once before is not again, it will never be again. It could be something that you’re okay with not having around or something that you’ll miss. As you get older, you get all these special memories that you get to hold close to you and some not so great ones that you’ll never forget and wish you could. What a special thing to have though.

Don’t you wish you could relive certain moments over and over again? How special is it to know that we only get to experience some things once? How sad is it that we can only experience things once? And THANK THE GODS that we only have to experience certain things once.

I don’t know if I’m just feeling sentimental or I’m starting my 2 am overthinking thoughts, but I think that I lived a pretty good life so far. I’m pretty happy about it. A little weird coming from me right? I’m always writing about something sad or trying to motivate myself to be less negative and to become better. I’m proud of where I am and who I am becoming. It may not seem like much, but I take pride in where I’ve gotten myself and I can’t wait to see where I’ll be later.

I started to think of some old memories and I started to realize a lot of those will never happen again and the time that I had with them back then was it. What was once before is not again. I’m feeling very nostalgic. Some friendships that I had during my high school years were probably one of the best friendships that I’ve ever had. They taught me a lot and formed my foundation. I’m lucky enough to still be friends and we still contact each other, but I do miss how super close we use to be. I keep these people very close to my heart always. I’m so lucky to have had such genuine friendships during the time where it means the most because that’s what stuck with me. I was able to have those connections, so now I can give those connections to others now. So thank you, I love you guys with all my heart.
Maybe I need to stop being sappy and go to sleep. Good night and good morning everyone. ♡

I’m Just Trying to Get to You.

Lately I’ve been more to myself, not out as much, visiting home more often, not writing, just MIA. It’s not because I hate anyone or anything super crazy, but I haven’t felt too much like myself and it’s been feeling like I’ve been losing myself. I’ve been feeling stuck in a low place, but I still have to catch up and live my daily life. It’s stressful, it’s draining.

I can think back to the exact moment where I started to feel this way. I can pinpoint the exact reason, I can tell you exactly why. I can also tell you that it has made me a worse person, a bitter person, but also how it made me feel on top of the world but in the worst way. The saying “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off too,” well I didn’t even give my friends a chance to jump because I was the friend that did it first. The problem is I held on to it for too long. It was a temporary high, a temporary relief, it wasn’t meant to be kept. That’s a problem of mine, I hold on to whatever makes me feel good whether it’s long lasting or suppose to be temporary. Whatever makes or made me feel good. It has changed every aspect of my life and every aspect of myself. Me holding on allowed it to swallow me whole to where I don’t feel like or see myself anymore.

I need to unlearn everything. I need to break the negative patterns and behaviors that I’ve developed. I need to find myself again. It’s draining me out. What I thought was good for me was actually not and now I have to unlearn something that felt right. It feels so wrong.

Did I run away at times? Yes, I sure did.
How do you expect to start unlearning anything in the environment that you picked it up in? When it comes to something like this you need to get away to a place where you can give yourself a safe space far from the bad. Somewhere you can self reflect, somewhere you can ground yourself, somewhere that will remind you of the old you and where you wish to be. That’s what home is to me, so I’m willing to go back as many times as it takes to feel like myself again, to be better.

It’s always okay to slow down. It’s always okay to miss out. It’s always okay to unlearn unhealthy patterns and behaviors. It’s always okay to learn from your mistakes.

On bad days, it’s okay to rest. It’s a lot, it’s emotional, it’s draining. ST, You need to let go and unlearn what you’re use too. It serves no purpose to you. Deal with it head on ST, you know there’s no other way. ST, this isn’t you and you know that. We didn’t go through all of it for it to become this way. Be true to yourself in every way even if it hurts, it’s what you owe to yourself. Please listen to yourself and how you feel, don’t give up. Never give up, you can always be better. The way you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. Mental health days are fine, take more of them. Take advantage of the help that’s out there. Take more time for yourself. At least you’re working on yourself for yourself. Healing takes time.
– ST Reminders

“I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.”

No matter what you do or try to be there will always be those dark moments in your life. We can’t avoid it and will fall into it from time to time. It sucks, but the truth is it’s just unavoidable. You either consume it or it consumes you, you either come out better or worse. There’s no way of telling until after.

I know I said I was going to post more often, but life got in the way. Both good and bad things. It’s been feeling like constant high and lows for me and I’ve been trying to raw dog my way through it. When I say that I mean by not running to alcohol whenever I feel sad. I would say I’m doing a decent job at that. Yes, I still drink on the weekends, but it’s more for fun and socially, not to fill a void. I haven’t been going to my therapy sessions either because there’s rules about keeping the same therapist when you move to different states, so at this point I pretty much have to find a new therapist. I liked my therapist I had in Michigan so much it feels like I won’t be able to find another like her. I’m trying to learn healthier ways to express my emotions and unlearn the negative patterns that I’ve been holding on to for forever. It’s hard as fuck. No one will ever tell you how it drains a lot of you because it feels like you are losing a part of yourself. You know, it’s something that you’ve known and was comfortable with for a while. Even if it’s bad, unhealthy or negative, it’s what you knew and what you adapted. What I will say though is to make sure you try to unlearn things for you and not for anyone else. If you aren’t doing it for yourself, then you will fall right back into it and you’re only going to disappoint yourself. Unless you’re actually willing to change, you’re not going to no matter how much you want it. That’s just how this shit works.

Exactly what am I looking for? “I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.” Small baby steps, so just less pain right now, then after happiness and whatever comes next. Honestly if I can just feel content again, I’d be happy with that. I’m not looking for anything big right now, just to be okay again.

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

  • You will get through it
  • Your best is enough
  • It is okay to rest
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your feelings are valid
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your goals are important
  • Your voice deserves to get heard

We’re all rooting for you.

Everything All at Once.

I’ve been feeling over whelmed the last few weeks and strongly this week. It feels like everything is coming at me all at once. I’ve started writing a blog every day this week to express how I’ve been feeling, but I haven’t been able to finish any of them because I also feel mentally exhausted. Then it’s 5 am and I need to sleep or I’ll be tired for work. Well hello 6 am, it’s me. I’m up even later than usual. I guess I just have to take the L for work.

It’s frustrating, I’m feeling frustrated at this point. It’s exhausting, I’ve been exhausted. It’s overwhelming, I’m overwhelmed with everything, I have been overwhelmed with everything for a long time now. It’s not with just what’s going on around me and within my personal life, but also with all the overthinking and trying to process situations and understanding and trying to figure out how I feel about things. Then I go to work and that takes up a lot of my time, so I don’t even have that much time out of my day to work everything out. I feel like I’m trying to catch up with myself from the times of 2 am – 6 am everyday. That’s all I get and it’s not enough. I think I’m starting to burn out. You don’t want to try to figure things out during those times especially when you’re alone anyways. It’s not something I can’t handle, but I’m starting to feel defeated. Which makes me feel sad and then it’s another thing for me to add on. Everything all at once.

Your mental health is important. You are important. It’s important and very needed to put yourself first. Allow yourself to unload your mind, give yourself the time and a safe space or environment. Really focus on helping yourself. You are the only you that you will ever have. Do whatever it takes to feel okay again and remember to do it in a positive way and not with something that will later negatively effect you. Build yourself up and then protect that.

Letter to myself:
You got this, Sally. You can pull through. Adjustments are coming, just hold on a little longer. Things are going to change and it will help with a lot of the things. Do what feels right even if it’s not what you want. Let go of things that you cannot control. Communicate what you can, baby steps. Don’t forget to celebrate the baby steps along the way. Give yourself some sort of break. Things feel hard, but you’ve, we, us, I have been making progress. You’re stronger than you know, but I still worry. Remember, everything at once will eventually become nothing at all. Truly, take care of yourself this time.