Music – SALLY♡THINGS

Then and Now.

I probably have typed about this in the few blogs I wrote before, but never finished. Fair warning, be prepared to read a little more of this in other blogs if they ever get posted. So far it’s the only thing that comes to my mind when I try to sit down to blog, so it’s something that needs to get out and hopefully after I can blog about other things. I feel like a broken record sometimes. I blog a lot about healing and my journey, it’s all I know right now. It is currently what’s going on in my life. Then and now. I wouldn’t quite call this a drunk thoughts blog, but I did have a good chug of some strawberry sake. Just a bit to loosen up and be not so in my head about sharing this. I actually find it hard to share this side of me because it feels super and very vulnerable of me. Maybe a part of me feels embarrassed, maybe because it still gets me in my feels or that I haven’t yet fully processed it. It’s hard for me to express because I simply do not know where I’m quite at with it all. Whatever it is, here I try to go.

These summer months, I have really compared my current self to my 2023 self. If I could describe myself this summer it would be: confident, strong, happy, healing, thriving, joyful, sober, living life to the fullest, a normal person. If I were to describe summer Sally 2023 it would be: sad, but grateful, stressed, alcohol driven, burnt out, lost, fun, goal driven, and hurt. What two very different and confusing versions of me.

A word that best described me then is lost. A word that best describes me now is healing, but of course I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for that lost version of me. Looking back I’m actually very grateful for that part of my life (not the problems, but the lessons) and very proud of how I managed, even though I was very hurt. I sat with myself every day and I listened to my cries, I listened to my thoughts, I felt the hurt. I sat with every emotion and let them take their turn. I sat with all my doubts and gave them the time they needed. I sat there and cried out every tear in my body almost every night until there was nothing left. Some people might think it’s pretty pathetic, but it was what I needed to do for me. That was my way of trying to comfort myself. I gave myself that safe space. Now, I still have that safe space, but it’s more for the appreciation of my happiness, celebration of small steps on my healing and the new self love that I have for myself. I won’t say I’m completely on the other side, but it’s definitely a positive path.

I did something that I never thought or saw myself doing and that was to stop engaging and going silent. I let go of any hope and expectation, I let go completely. That’s such a hard thing to do. To let things go free and to let things come to or go from you. I ignored and pushed everything away as much as I could until I realized that it was something that was trying to come to me. I really crawled into my own little shell and if you weren’t someone I saw in my daily life, I unfortunately didn’t reach out to or interacted with for a bit. My social battery was fighting so hard, but my emotional side won. I’m a person who tries to act fine when I’m not, but in reality my emotions literally leak out of my pores and you can tell how I am through my body language and facial expressions. I pulled away for a bit so people didn’t have to see that side of me, ask me anything and I didn’t have to keep pretending. I’m sorry to my friends and family for that and I’m also very thankful that everyone understood that I needed some space. I put myself first and really focused on nothing, but myself and moving forward. One positive that did come out of it was my decision on schooling. Now, because of then, I still am continuing my education and I feel more comfortable with being truly vulnerable in front of others even if I feel stupid. It is not a burden. Now, I can thank the ‘then me’ and comfort any part of her that I still have left with the ‘now me’.

One thing that I learned from this and in my therapy sessions are to acknowledge all these different parts of me, listen to what they need to say, validate them and thank them. Practicing this has helped build a better relationship within myself with myself. Practicing this has allowed to me forgive myself, love all the different parts of myself, remember my worth, remember what I deserve, growth, healing, forgiving others and most importantly not to hurt others because of my own hurt. One day, I’ll be at the end with the rainbows and unicorns or in my case, a room filled with anything and everything Hello Kitty.

This was really building up in my head and I tried to avoid blogging more on it, but I guess I still have a lot to say. If you are still reading this, thank you. Sending lots of love out. Then and Now. ♡

2024: April to June Photo Dump

I become a better person when the weather starts to heat up. I don’t know what to say, I just LOVE the sun. As you may have read or heard, I switched jobs and positions which has allowed me to have more time to have a personal life and more time to focus on my health and make improvements to it. I promised myself that I would live more this year in experiences and not live at work like how I have in the past. April to June has been a blessing and I have done just that ♡ I’ve done so many things in these few months, so I’m excited to see how this will continue for the rest of summer and after. I’m happy that I can feel like a normal person and be more with the people I love. Living my best life ♡

April

May

June

Drunk Thoughts: Ms. 20 Something.

“Hopin’ to keep the rest of my friends. Prayin’ the 20 somethings don’t kill me, kill me.”
“Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love, only know fear. That’s me, Ms. 20 something.“

A year since I’ve posted a drunk thoughts post. Ya’ll see I don’t be getting drunk on my own as much anymore or at all actually. I don’t drink when I’m at my house or even by myself. That’s PROGRESS. A whole year of working on myself and still working on myself. What a fucking journey it’s been. It’s been wild. Let me tell you, WILD. So much to keep quiet on because I just want everything to be over. I’m drained. I’m tired, exhausted. I get pulled into toxic cycles over and over again. I’ve been getting myself stuck with people who have manipulative behaviors and in their cycles over and over. I’m literally praying my 20 something don’t kill me because I don’t know If i’m going to make it out alive anymore. It’s going to take me and eat me alive.

I’m trying to grow, heal and still love, but that gets taken, taken ,taken. I have a big heart and I love to love and I love to care and I am the type of person to just always have feelings, but clearly that’s being taken for granted and advantage of over and over and over again. What’s suppose to be one of the greatest quality a person can have is also the most taken advantage of. Why do people just take and take and take? I honestly wish I could be exactly like them and do the same. Let me take from you now. then throw you away until I need you next. ugh, disgusting. Personal problem? hell yeah. I’ve been keeping quiet for so long, but for what? To try to save someone’s else character because I loved them before? If I were to literally write a tell all book like celebrities, I feel like my shit would be more interesting that most of the others. The shit I have been put through has beeen WILD. I have stayed quiet to try to forget and move on, but then some shit happens and I notice I’m still taken advantage of because I’m not saying anything. I just want to love and keep loving and not become cold. I want to heal, I want to move on, I want to grow. I want to be left alone. This is the most vulnerable that I can be on here.

Everyone just leave me alone from my past. I loved someone who could not love me the right way and we left it. so, YOU, leave it too. Everyone leave it.

I Still Fall For Your Words, How Weak of Me.

Sometimes I don’t think what I write is “blog worthy” and I’ll post it to another social platform instead or I’ll get inspired with my writings on those different social platforms. Slowly, but surely I’m sharing things to all platforms. This one was originally posted on TikTok a few months ago. Feel free to check out and follow both my personal and blog accounts. Come feel the feels ♡

June 11, 2023

I still fall for your words, how weak of me.

Maybe it’s the way we started, all we had was our words. Long distance challenges you in every way, so you fall in love with what stays consistent. I will always have this soft, loving spot for you and you know that too.

How weak of me.

Even now I still find myself falling for your words and the way they make me feel. The way you still make me feel.

How weak of me.

I’ve been finding myself fighting what feels so loving, caring and kind. Do I let myself feel it sometimes? Yes.

How weak of me.

What you tell me, I don’t doubt your emotions behind it. I know that deep down you actually feel that way, but it breaks my heart.

How weak of me.

I’m holding myself up and I’m pushing myself to move forward. I’m picking up my own pieces and I’m trying so hard to stay soft and still true to myself. I am creating a safe and supportive space for my feelings and emotions. I stop my own tears when I need too. I am learning to let go of us without having any hateful feelings. I am slowly accepting that the love between us was real. You did love me, it just wasn’t enough for forever. I’m healing myself in ways that seem impossible and all I can think of is

How weak of me.

@sallynohands
I still fall for your words, how weak of me. Maybe it’s the way we started, all we had was our words. Long distance challenges you in every way, so you fall in love with what stays consistent. I will always have this soft, loving spot for you and you know that too. How weak of me. Even now I still find myself falling for your words and the way they make me feel. The way you still make me feel. How weak of me. I’ve been finding myself fighting what feels so loving, caring and kind. Do I let myself feel it sometimes? Yes. How weak of me. What you tell me, I don’t doubt your emotions behind it. I know that deep down you actually feel that way, but it breaks my heart. How weak of me. I’m holding myself up and I’m pushing myself to move forward. I’m picking up my own pieces and I’m trying so hard to stay soft and still true to myself. I am creating a safe and supportive space for my feelings and emotions. I stop my own tears when I need too. I am learning to let go of us without having any hateful feelings. I am slowly accepting that the love between us was real. You did love me, it just wasn’t enough for forever. I’m healing myself in ways that seem impossible and all I can think of is How weak of me. #sallythings @SALLY ♡ THINGS #healingprocess #healingjourney #ventingthoughts #tiktokblogs #readthecaption #movingforwardishard
♬ LOVE ME IN CHAPTERS BY CHRISSI – CHRISSI

The Moon Staying Up For The Sun.

The moon tries to stay up for the sun, but she never gets there. She never gets to see the sun.

I feel everything, I feel it all at one time.
My heart goes back and forth, up and down,
But I’m just stuck on the ground.
I don’t know what to do sometimes
I feel like the moon staying up for the sun.

I feel super close,
But also very far.
Is that where you always are?
Within reach where I will never be?

I’ll love you from afar,
While I feel all over the place.
Just remember to send some love within our space.
♡

I usually don’t post my made up poems, so please don’t make me cry and keep your thoughts to yourself, thank you! lmao. I love reading poetry and I’ll come up with some in the right setting. I’m just posting this cause I think it’s decent or good enough to be shown to the public and it’s also inspired by one of my favorite songs Two Places by Tori Kelly. Which I did write another blog post inspired by before (click here to read) but i’m just getting shy now and if I keep typing I’m going to change my mind on posting this, so byeeeeeeeeeeee.

I’m Just Trying to Get to You.

Lately I’ve been more to myself, not out as much, visiting home more often, not writing, just MIA. It’s not because I hate anyone or anything super crazy, but I haven’t felt too much like myself and it’s been feeling like I’ve been losing myself. I’ve been feeling stuck in a low place, but I still have to catch up and live my daily life. It’s stressful, it’s draining.

I can think back to the exact moment where I started to feel this way. I can pinpoint the exact reason, I can tell you exactly why. I can also tell you that it has made me a worse person, a bitter person, but also how it made me feel on top of the world but in the worst way. The saying “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off too,” well I didn’t even give my friends a chance to jump because I was the friend that did it first. The problem is I held on to it for too long. It was a temporary high, a temporary relief, it wasn’t meant to be kept. That’s a problem of mine, I hold on to whatever makes me feel good whether it’s long lasting or suppose to be temporary. Whatever makes or made me feel good. It has changed every aspect of my life and every aspect of myself. Me holding on allowed it to swallow me whole to where I don’t feel like or see myself anymore.

I need to unlearn everything. I need to break the negative patterns and behaviors that I’ve developed. I need to find myself again. It’s draining me out. What I thought was good for me was actually not and now I have to unlearn something that felt right. It feels so wrong.

Did I run away at times? Yes, I sure did.
How do you expect to start unlearning anything in the environment that you picked it up in? When it comes to something like this you need to get away to a place where you can give yourself a safe space far from the bad. Somewhere you can self reflect, somewhere you can ground yourself, somewhere that will remind you of the old you and where you wish to be. That’s what home is to me, so I’m willing to go back as many times as it takes to feel like myself again, to be better.

It’s always okay to slow down. It’s always okay to miss out. It’s always okay to unlearn unhealthy patterns and behaviors. It’s always okay to learn from your mistakes.

On bad days, it’s okay to rest. It’s a lot, it’s emotional, it’s draining. ST, You need to let go and unlearn what you’re use too. It serves no purpose to you. Deal with it head on ST, you know there’s no other way. ST, this isn’t you and you know that. We didn’t go through all of it for it to become this way. Be true to yourself in every way even if it hurts, it’s what you owe to yourself. Please listen to yourself and how you feel, don’t give up. Never give up, you can always be better. The way you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. Mental health days are fine, take more of them. Take advantage of the help that’s out there. Take more time for yourself. At least you’re working on yourself for yourself. Healing takes time.
– ST Reminders

“I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.”

No matter what you do or try to be there will always be those dark moments in your life. We can’t avoid it and will fall into it from time to time. It sucks, but the truth is it’s just unavoidable. You either consume it or it consumes you, you either come out better or worse. There’s no way of telling until after.

I know I said I was going to post more often, but life got in the way. Both good and bad things. It’s been feeling like constant high and lows for me and I’ve been trying to raw dog my way through it. When I say that I mean by not running to alcohol whenever I feel sad. I would say I’m doing a decent job at that. Yes, I still drink on the weekends, but it’s more for fun and socially, not to fill a void. I haven’t been going to my therapy sessions either because there’s rules about keeping the same therapist when you move to different states, so at this point I pretty much have to find a new therapist. I liked my therapist I had in Michigan so much it feels like I won’t be able to find another like her. I’m trying to learn healthier ways to express my emotions and unlearn the negative patterns that I’ve been holding on to for forever. It’s hard as fuck. No one will ever tell you how it drains a lot of you because it feels like you are losing a part of yourself. You know, it’s something that you’ve known and was comfortable with for a while. Even if it’s bad, unhealthy or negative, it’s what you knew and what you adapted. What I will say though is to make sure you try to unlearn things for you and not for anyone else. If you aren’t doing it for yourself, then you will fall right back into it and you’re only going to disappoint yourself. Unless you’re actually willing to change, you’re not going to no matter how much you want it. That’s just how this shit works.

Exactly what am I looking for? “I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.” Small baby steps, so just less pain right now, then after happiness and whatever comes next. Honestly if I can just feel content again, I’d be happy with that. I’m not looking for anything big right now, just to be okay again.

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

You will get through it
Your best is enough
It is okay to rest
Your opinion matters

Your feelings are valid
Your opinion matters
Your goals are important
Your voice deserves to get heard

We’re all rooting for you.

POV.

The way we see ourself vs. the way others see us.
It’s sooo different, the different point of views. We are much harder on ourselves and see the smallest flaws that no one would ever see or care about it. We make it hard and complicated to self love. It’s time to unlearn those negatives and start seeing ourselves with the same loving, outside POV.

WHAT OTHERS SEE (Boyfriend’s POV)

I will start off and say that I actually do like this picture that my boyfriend took of me. Yes, it’s also the backside of me, so you can’t see any flaws (except my messy hair lol). I usually like the pictures that my boyfriend takes of me over the selfies I try to take. When he takes the photos I can’t see myself, so I’m not trying so hard to pose to look good. He’ll also take a lot of photos of me when I’m not paying attention, so everything just looks more genuine and in the moment like the one above. Maybe it’s just me and I’m a weirdo, but when I look at his photos I look so different to myself. Almost like “wow I really look like that?”, but in a good way. I see myself in the same way that he sees me. It’s a nice little break away from my own thoughts.

HOW I SEE MYSELF (Self POV)

This picture was taken the same day just a couple hours later and from my POV. I don’t think this is a super bad picture of myself, but there’s flaws that I can see. I’m sure it’s more insecurities than body dysmorphia, but looking at the picture I can say that my upper arm is big and meaty, then I think I need to lose weight around the tummy area and do some squats. Which most people would say I’m insane to be thinking all of that because I’m small already, which I agree with somewhat. Yes, I’m small, but small in size not weight. I’m only 5 feet tall so to a lot of people I am small, but when it comes to weight it’s totally different. Seeing these two pictures, it’s hard to believe that they are both of me from the same day.

Learning to self love is tough because we see ourselves so differently day to day. It’s a daily battle, but find a way to love yourself even if it’s something so small. We see the smallest flaws and turn them into insecurities, so why can’t we try to love the small things instead? When things get tough, find a picture that someone else took of you and try to see yourself from their eyes and love something you haven’t seen before.
It’s time to be kinder to ourselves, to love ourselves the way we see originally see ourselves, the way we actually look. Be gentle to yourself and be gentle in your thoughts. Real self love. We owe that to ourselves, we deserve real self love.

To Let It Go.

It isn’t one of those good days, I want to curl up in a ball and lay in bed all day. My brain really said “Hey Sally, fuck you. You’re not shit today <3”
Everything you’ve been working on disappears as if that work never happened. It doesn’t exist. It’s hard to feel that when you thought you’ve moved way past it. The doubt of what you thought you achieved just sits there and eats you away making it hard to see the growth.

Conversation between my brain and I through text. My brain today told me to be insecure and sad today like it's an okay thing. I'm not happy about it obviously, but I can't help it. Your brain and thoughts can destroy you.

This may be a raw one. I’ve tried to protect it from coming out so much that today I just can’t do it anymore. Something that I wanted to keep private for me to process ended up coming out in a fire anyways and I’ve been fighting to put it out this whole time. I’m tired of fighting for myself.

To let it go. It’s been such a challenge and something I still haven’t figured out yet. Sometimes when something so heartbreaking or traumatic happens to you, you start to believe that maybe you did deserve it. For whatever reason why I may think it, I know at the same time that I didn’t deserve it, but it’s easier to believe I did. It’s the “easier” option for me to understand what or why it happened even if it hurts. Someone who loves you, but hurts you in ways they or you would never imagine, try to make that make sense. It’s heartbreaking. Now put where I’m at now into that and then try to make sense of that. Sometimes if feels like I’m fighting demons out here and the demon is myself, actually my own thoughts vs how I feel. The two peacefully agree most time, but then you have days like this where they switch up and play both sides. It’s this, but that, it’s that, but this. Tugging me back and forth and back and forth. I just want to lay down and rest or drink. A drink would be nice. To let it all go would be nice.

Self defense mechanisms, thank you, but also you are my worst enemy. Thank you for trying to soften the next unknown, but it’s not helping me personally with healing. I can’t keep holding on to this thing, I don’t want too. I want to make my peace and I want to move on. Let me do that, let me let it go.

Dear February.

February, you always find a way of repeating yourself for the past few years and honestly I’m over it. There’s very little good to remember, instead it’s a stretch of time and waiting. You try so hard for something so simple. I wouldn’t say rock bottom, but why does it feels like it’s always desperate climbing out of something? Why must you be so stubborn?
First was a start of something I would have never known. Something that I didn’t think was capable of happening. Something that I just didn’t know. Something that won’t ever leave me. Just a lot of missing and things unknown. A strange feeling, but I trusted something else because there was no way. It’s just not there, right? It’s happy still. It’s still just a day dream, still that fairytale, but you’re losing it right in front of you without even realizing it. It’s busy, one starts to feel lonely while the other is doing something with a bigger vision in mind. It’s not aligned.
Second, just more of the same thing except it’s known. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re more aware of the bottles than what going in your life. That warmth from last month got you through, so why not continue? It allows you to escape the old and the new, it allows you to escape the feeling of being a ticking time bomb. Any emotions released, good and bad, but you just don’t care because it’s the only time you can express anything. Otherwise, it’s too much to even think of any other time. Stand up for yourself and pour out whatever you feel. Pour out a cup, pour out two, pour out three at least. Shit, we’re already on five, make it six and we’re numb. Perfect. It’s the only thing you can make sense of, the only thing that feels real, the only thing that is staying consistent. The one thing reality is letting you take control of. Just keep busy.
“So I’ll take all of all of my wasted love and turn it into wine in my cup.”
Third, it’s not a full repeat, but there’s lingering. There’s still some of the same. There’s some of the same cups, but not out of control. We don’t drink until we’re numb anymore, but emotions still are there. It’s still there. Keep busy only a few left. There’s joy, but it can still feel lonely, but there’s joy. Things aren’t fueling anymore. There’s room to think with clarity and understanding. Understanding? Maybe that’s a reach. Your skin is tough, but things still sit under it. All you can do is sit and control yourself.

Dear February, save me. You’ve given me everything you gave me, but you’re scorned.

SALLY ♡ T