I can love your tears and the way you love too hard. I’ve learn to love the way you feel emotions and how deeply you hurt. I’m doing as much loving as I can while you go through what you are going through.
But sometimes, I just want to love your smiles and I just want to love your glow. I want to love your warmth, your laughs, your spark. I want to love the person you are when you feel the fullest. I want to love you the way you want to be loved, the way you deserve to be loved. Don’t worry, take your time, but you have to get there first.
I just want to love you. I just want to love me. I’m not done loving me yet.
Hello you! It’s older you, age 26 from 2022. I just want to start off by pointing out how much love you had and how much love you put out in the world. No one has a big heart like you or will understand it. You put others before yourself every time and because of that, you got hurt. Just know that hurt went away and we’re focusing on healing it everyday. You grew up really fast, maybe too fast. I know it felt impossible to avoid. I don’t even think it could have been avoided and because of it you decided to live your life and have as much fun as you could. Which resulted with bad school grades and rejection college letters, regretful decisions, relationships with the wrong people and even some abuse. Life experiences that you didn’t expect.
A lot of good also came from this time era too and we were able to take more from that and put it towards who we are today. The rejection letters gave you more freedom to choose your own life path and not the one you felt like you had to take. The regretful decisions lead you to better understanding and a better way of thinking through things before doing them. Relationships with wrong people taught you what kind of people you wanted to surround yourself with and the red flags to avoid. The abuse gave you strength and a voice that you are not scared of using, you protect people in similar situations and your beliefs are very strong. Everything showed you how life really is, the reality of things. You are a big foundation of your future.
I want you to know that things that you didn’t accomplish in this part of your life really doesn’t matter later. You make things work, you problem solve, you actually have a good head on your shoulders, even though you don’t think you do. You made real friendships, lifetime friendships. It’s actually a lot of our 10 years friendship anniversaries this year or the next. We’re still working on things we didn’t accomplish before, but it’s more along the lines of what we really want and not what was expected from us. The love you poured out is reciprocated back 10x from all the babies, you helped show all these little girls what it’s like to have a loving auntie. Showed them what unconditional love is, that’s so much more than what most would be able to achieve and you did it that young.
The most important thing that you did was rebel and did what you wanted to do instead of what was expected. As an adult now, I praise you for that. It was very hard and a lot of tears were cried, even some now, but we’re in a good place. We’re good now. I’m here to remind you that you are worth everything, you are not a disappointment, you are enough.
To Teenage Sally, you are everything to not only yourself, but also to others.♡
Hello from 26 year old you from 2022. Oh god have I missed you! What it would be like to be as innocent and stress free again. You don’t even know it, but you have a whole entire life ahead of you that your tiny little child brain could never even imagine. What you dreamed for yourself at this age is not even close to who you become in your adult life. You dreamed of being a singer and dancer or a veterinarian. Sorry to break it to you, but you are none of those. Anyways, I’m here writing to you because I am currently trying to heal you, this inner child that I still carry around. This inner child that at this age went through multiple events that would change you and end up becoming your traumas.
Did you know that you grew up with some of the biggest technology advancements? You went from hit clips to burning cd’s, you were born right after web browsing became a thing, and the start of social media happened right before you hit middle school. You had that play outside and eat dirt childhood and you also adapted quite well with all the technology advancements happening. It’s so crazy to think about. Did you know you also went through your parent’s divorce? I won’t get into much detail, because we can keep that for ourselves, but you are a strong one. You struggled hard with that one and the struggle went on for years. That tiny child brain that couldn’t imagine her future was able to make her way through somehow.
You are so strong and I’m proud of you. I am working on healing your wounds that will eventually become present much later, but I am working on you. I want you to know that I see you and I hear you. I understand everything. I would love to go back in time and sit there to hug you at what you felt were your hardest moments. We are very much still alike still. We hide so much of our emotions because we don’t want other to see us that way. We still need that person to help with our bottled up emotions, but I’ll be that for you as much as I can. Thank you for giving me a great childhood regardless. By the way, we still love the color pink, we just went through a small phase ♡
It’s the new year, so what are my goals or new year resolutions? Well this year I’m not going to make any. Not that I don’t have any, but don’t you guys ever get stuck with a list that never gets finished or your goals change? In my 26 years of life, I know whatever list I make now will not be what I accomplish later. I’m more of a do as you go type of person. So here is all that I wish for me and for you. Take what you need and leave what you don’t.
I wish for your happiness and peace. I wish you heal the things that you do not speak or know. I wish for the growth and lessons that will push you to be a better person. I wish for the love that will forever stay with you. I wish you will take the bad days and remember that it’s just a bad day and that you don’t take all the good days for granted. I hope that you love yourself more and you do more for yourself. Whatever you’ve been trying to chase to fill that empty feeling, I hope you catch it and it lights a light in your soul that never goes out again. For all the tears that you cried in 2021, you don’t meet them again. I hope you remember to take more photos or videos. I wish for good health and wellness. That every person you come across is as genuine as you. You’ll get the break you need this year to sit down and absorb all that you have done and to relax. I wish you the best in your business plans because I know you’re capable and I know you have it in you. All your creative thoughts get brought to life this year. I hope you do take some things from last year and you keep working on them. Those are not achieved in just a year, it’s something you have to constantly work on for the rest of your life. That you do not forget who you are as a person. All the built up anger, I don’t want you to just let go of it and forgive, I want it to fuel the passion of making yourself better. Use it in a good way and not as a flamethrower and use it to burn others in words. You know what? Settle in already, push your pride aside and accept what has been waiting for you. You could’ve had more good and balance if you were more open to accepting help. It’s okay to get help, you need other people, we all need people. I wish something clicks in you and you stop living on survival mode, you made it, you can rest. Let someone else take care of you for once. I wish you get the nurture you give to others and you accept it without feeling weak and if you end up feeling that way then you allow yourself to be okay with that. All the battles you have within are put to an end. I wish you live life for what it is and that you continue to do that. Love every little thing in the world more including yourself. ♡
I’ve been feeling over whelmed the last few weeks and strongly this week. It feels like everything is coming at me all at once. I’ve started writing a blog every day this week to express how I’ve been feeling, but I haven’t been able to finish any of them because I also feel mentally exhausted. Then it’s 5 am and I need to sleep or I’ll be tired for work. Well hello 6 am, it’s me. I’m up even later than usual. I guess I just have to take the L for work.
It’s frustrating, I’m feeling frustrated at this point. It’s exhausting, I’ve been exhausted. It’s overwhelming, I’m overwhelmed with everything, I have been overwhelmed with everything for a long time now. It’s not with just what’s going on around me and within my personal life, but also with all the overthinking and trying to process situations and understanding and trying to figure out how I feel about things. Then I go to work and that takes up a lot of my time, so I don’t even have that much time out of my day to work everything out. I feel like I’m trying to catch up with myself from the times of 2 am – 6 am everyday. That’s all I get and it’s not enough. I think I’m starting to burn out. You don’t want to try to figure things out during those times especially when you’re alone anyways. It’s not something I can’t handle, but I’m starting to feel defeated. Which makes me feel sad and then it’s another thing for me to add on. Everything all at once.
Your mental health is important. You are important. It’s important and very needed to put yourself first. Allow yourself to unload your mind, give yourself the time and a safe space or environment. Really focus on helping yourself. You are the only you that you will ever have. Do whatever it takes to feel okay again and remember to do it in a positive way and not with something that will later negatively effect you. Build yourself up and then protect that.
Letter to myself: You got this, Sally. You can pull through. Adjustments are coming, just hold on a little longer. Things are going to change and it will help with a lot of the things. Do what feels right even if it’s not what you want. Let go of things that you cannot control. Communicate what you can, baby steps. Don’t forget to celebrate the baby steps along the way. Give yourself some sort of break. Things feel hard, but you’ve, we, us, I have been making progress. You’re stronger than you know, but I still worry. Remember, everything at once will eventually become nothing at all. Truly, take care of yourself this time.
If I had the opportunity to go back into time, I would go back to you and hug you for the both of us. Lord knows you were going to need it and I know I need it now. We’re the same person, but in such two different realities. I need it for the strength, for the encouragement, to appreciate how far I’ve come and because I miss that twinkle in my eye. You need it for the moment, for what’s to come, for who you are, and also for the strength. I wouldn’t go back and say sorry or try to change anything. Not because I think it was meant to happen, but because I don’t know any of the what if’s and I’d rather not try to think about it. It would be maddening either way and in every other different way anyways.
For the both of us, I would go back in time, enjoy that moment with you, remember what it was like and hug you. That hug would have been everything to you because that hug was what I needed and was looking for and felt like I never got. So I would go back in time to hug you for the both of us. The twinkle wasn’t based on truth, but love and I miss that. Sometimes they are hand in hands and other times they aren’t. Balancing them when they aren’t isn’t the easiest, but you got here. You got me here, I’m here. “Without you I can’t be, you’re the universe to me. You’re the air in my lungs, you’re the fields where I run, you’re the sky where I’m floating.“
Seven Lions at Electric Forest 2019 | June 30, 2019 11:41 PM
It isn’t one of those good days, I want to curl up in a ball and lay in bed all day. My brain really said “Hey Sally, fuck you. You’re not shit today <3” Everything you’ve been working on disappears as if that work never happened. It doesn’t exist. It’s hard to feel that when you thought you’ve moved way past it. The doubt of what you thought you achieved just sits there and eats you away making it hard to see the growth.
This may be a raw one. I’ve tried to protect it from coming out so much that today I just can’t do it anymore. Something that I wanted to keep private for me to process ended up coming out in a fire anyways and I’ve been fighting to put it out this whole time. I’m tired of fighting for myself.
To let it go. It’s been such a challenge and something I still haven’t figured out yet. Sometimes when something so heartbreaking or traumatic happens to you, you start to believe that maybe you did deserve it. For whatever reason why I may think it, I know at the same time that I didn’t deserve it, but it’s easier to believe I did. It’s the “easier” option for me to understand what or why it happened even if it hurts. Someone who loves you, but hurts you in ways they or you would never imagine, try to make that make sense. It’s heartbreaking. Now put where I’m at now into that and then try to make sense of that. Sometimes if feels like I’m fighting demons out here and the demon is myself, actually my own thoughts vs how I feel. The two peacefully agree most time, but then you have days like this where they switch up and play both sides. It’s this, but that, it’s that, but this. Tugging me back and forth and back and forth. I just want to lay down and rest or drink. A drink would be nice. To let it all go would be nice.
Self defense mechanisms, thank you, but also you are my worst enemy. Thank you for trying to soften the next unknown, but it’s not helping me personally with healing. I can’t keep holding on to this thing, I don’t want too. I want to make my peace and I want to move on. Let me do that, let me let it go.
It was pretty until it wasn’t. It snows and then a false spring comes. It’s hard to tell what you’ll get within this month. Just go for it. Just go. The way things were said was like it was coming straight out of a fairytale. The way I felt, the way the night went, it was a fairytale. I know now that it was coming from a problem or guilt, but also hope and the heart. It gave me hope. I gave me more than hope, blind hope, but it was so perfect. Do I want to ruin this memory or will I remember it as how I did before? Was it a cry of truth or was it innocently true? Sometimes it’s hard to see everything as how I saw them in the moment. It was a start of something that needed to happen. The good and bad, everything needed to be said and out. I spoke as I was holding back every emotion known to man. I spoke. That’s such a huge thing for me. I cried tears and a lot of them. I remember waking up one morning and I didn’t have time to open my eyes yet and I cried. This was truly the start of everything. It hurt, I was hurt, but it was needed. It was part of what I needed. Healing is so messy. Healing hurts so much until it doesn’t anymore. What a change. I can’t believe it myself looking back. The thing you said that night, yeah it happened. Was it a cry? I still don’t know, but I don’t think I want to know the truth. The progress of each brings me tears if I think about it. To go through such high highs and straight to the lowest lows, it made it.
Dear March, tell me that there’s light at the end of all this starless night.
February, you always find a way of repeating yourself for the past few years and honestly I’m over it. There’s very little good to remember, instead it’s a stretch of time and waiting. You try so hard for something so simple. I wouldn’t say rock bottom, but why does it feels like it’s always desperate climbing out of something? Why must you be so stubborn? First was a start of something I would have never known. Something that I didn’t think was capable of happening. Something that I just didn’t know. Something that won’t ever leave me. Just a lot of missing and things unknown. A strange feeling, but I trusted something else because there was no way. It’s just not there, right? It’s happy still. It’s still just a day dream, still that fairytale, but you’re losing it right in front of you without even realizing it. It’s busy, one starts to feel lonely while the other is doing something with a bigger vision in mind. It’s not aligned. Second, just more of the same thing except it’s known. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re more aware of the bottles than what going in your life. That warmth from last month got you through, so why not continue? It allows you to escape the old and the new, it allows you to escape the feeling of being a ticking time bomb. Any emotions released, good and bad, but you just don’t care because it’s the only time you can express anything. Otherwise, it’s too much to even think of any other time. Stand up for yourself and pour out whatever you feel. Pour out a cup, pour out two, pour out three at least. Shit, we’re already on five, make it six and we’re numb. Perfect. It’s the only thing you can make sense of, the only thing that feels real, the only thing that is staying consistent. The one thing reality is letting you take control of. Just keep busy. “So I’ll take all of all of my wasted love and turn it into wine in my cup.” Third, it’s not a full repeat, but there’s lingering. There’s still some of the same. There’s some of the same cups, but not out of control. We don’t drink until we’re numb anymore, but emotions still are there. It’s still there. Keep busy only a few left. There’s joy, but it can still feel lonely, but there’s joy. Things aren’t fueling anymore. There’s room to think with clarity and understanding. Understanding? Maybe that’s a reach. Your skin is tough, but things still sit under it. All you can do is sit and control yourself.
Dear February, save me. You’ve given me everything you gave me, but you’re scorned.
You are always so cold, but somehow always filled with warmth and love. The start of a new year and the celebration of making it through another. Everyone thinks you’re a new chapter, but really you’re just a continuation. People count on you to be the new chapter, but it really starts with them to write that. Adventure comes to mind when I think of you. The first January was the first adventure. It was so perfect, not a thing could or can ruin all those moments. Pure joy and happiness, nothing was questionable. My favorite of them all, the one that only really exists in my head. The last of the daydream. The second January was a slow warming, if that warming was of a lit match. Trying to put together what was broken and not understood. Figuring out exactly what you need to get through the day, but running to an escape instead. The bottles were warm though. The feeling you had missed and lost. It was temporary and numbing, but it made anything confusing go away. A quick break to breathe. You threw love everywhere, not sure if it even belongs there and then went to the bottles with the same energy. The third January was full, a more at peace feeling. Seeing actual waves and not the ones that mentally take you in and drown you. In a beautiful place where you don’t need to wait for any unknowns because now you are the unknown. A real reality that you could actually grasp. The understanding isn’t fully there, but you have a better idea of it than before. Something you can let go of at times without a lingering. You keep more to yourself because it’s only right. Protecting yourself, but in a healthy way. Working on recovery on problems you all created.
Dear January, please don’t let me fall. Stay cold, but give us your warmth. Please continue to let the patience of love wait on my drunk heart.
SALLY♡THINGS 