Tag: Honesty

Slowing It Down, November.

Slow it down, November. Read it again, slow it down, November. I have been quiet and yet not quiet at all. It’s very confusing unless you are in my day to day life, but thats okay. I went crazy with going out in October, but this month, I really just want to be left with less sound and less company. I want to take more moments for myself and have quiet moments, so I can hear my own thoughts and moments – sober. Yes, sober.

It’s an easy habit for me to fall into drinking to mask feelings and I’ve been very open about this with myself in the past. The past few months, I was falling into that darker path, so November I wanted to slow down and sit with my feelings, thoughts, moods, etc. Slow it down. I’m not perfect, but I’m not going out 4X a week to a bar either. In November, I’ve gone out about four times vs. twelve times. I call that progress.

With November, my goal is to sit with myself (sober, of course) and feel my feelings, feel my hurt, feel my happiness, feel my thoughts and then give all of that a safe & thankful space to heal in. I hate that I’m in the same spot as previous years, I really do, but I’ve learned that I have a lot of love to give and a lot of love. I will always have love, thats who I am and who I will always be. I’m coming to terms with that. Slow it down.

I am trying to take a step back to not find myself, I know who I am, but to ground myself again. I can definitely say that I lost a piece of myself throughout the year. I know I fought with myself a lot this year to find a peace, when I was only stepping over my own boundaries. Slow it down and build yourself again. I’m choosing to do the work that I need to do, even if it feels the worse. Even if it feels the opposite. You just have to do it. Of course, I want to do all things with love, but I’m just learning that life really doesn’t work that way. Not everything can be done in love or with love. That’s a hard lesson to learn, but it doesn’t make you less of a loving person or that your love is or was any less. Slowing things down this month allows me to process what my mind knows, but what my heart still wants to deny. I can tell there will be more slow down months in the future. I have a lot of work for my heart to catch up with. I’m going to take my time to make sure I’m doing it right this time. Let me marinate in my feelings for a while, they need their time as well.

Dear February.

February, you always find a way of repeating yourself for the past few years and honestly I’m over it. There’s very little good to remember, instead it’s a stretch of time and waiting. You try so hard for something so simple. I wouldn’t say rock bottom, but why does it feels like it’s always desperate climbing out of something? Why must you be so stubborn?
First was a start of something I would have never known. Something that I didn’t think was capable of happening. Something that I just didn’t know. Something that won’t ever leave me. Just a lot of missing and things unknown. A strange feeling, but I trusted something else because there was no way. It’s just not there, right? It’s happy still. It’s still just a day dream, still that fairytale, but you’re losing it right in front of you without even realizing it. It’s busy, one starts to feel lonely while the other is doing something with a bigger vision in mind. It’s not aligned.
Second, just more of the same thing except it’s known. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re more aware of the bottles than what going in your life. That warmth from last month got you through, so why not continue? It allows you to escape the old and the new, it allows you to escape the feeling of being a ticking time bomb. Any emotions released, good and bad, but you just don’t care because it’s the only time you can express anything. Otherwise, it’s too much to even think of any other time. Stand up for yourself and pour out whatever you feel. Pour out a cup, pour out two, pour out three at least. Shit, we’re already on five, make it six and we’re numb. Perfect. It’s the only thing you can make sense of, the only thing that feels real, the only thing that is staying consistent. The one thing reality is letting you take control of. Just keep busy.
“So I’ll take all of all of my wasted love and turn it into wine in my cup.”
Third, it’s not a full repeat, but there’s lingering. There’s still some of the same. There’s some of the same cups, but not out of control. We don’t drink until we’re numb anymore, but emotions still are there. It’s still there. Keep busy only a few left. There’s joy, but it can still feel lonely, but there’s joy. Things aren’t fueling anymore. There’s room to think with clarity and understanding. Understanding? Maybe that’s a reach. Your skin is tough, but things still sit under it. All you can do is sit and control yourself.

Dear February, save me. You’ve given me everything you gave me, but you’re scorned.

SALLY ♡ T

Biggest Challenges 2020: Drunk Version.

*** warning: Lots of profanity used, drunk sally is something else***

Yes, you read it right. Drunk version lol. Will I ever post this? idek. I would like to say though, fuck 2020. I thought this year would be better for me than 2019, boy was I wrong. I went through some shit this year. It’s December 2020. Shit should be figured out right? Well fuck that shit. I feel like nothing is figured out sometimes lol.

There’s literally so much I have to say, but it can’t be in just one blog. That’s how fucked up I try to make things better. Honestly, I’m still emotion about thongs in my life. It happens though, you just have to deal with it. You might think my life is perfect, but bitch it’s not, stop putting me on a fucking pedestal. I don’t want that.

Being okay by myself, the loss of my pup, the lost of relationships. it really finds a way to fuck you up. A pandemic on top of everything? Well fucckkk, I’m still trying to figure everything else out from the previous years. It has felt like a lot, but also clarity all at once and I don’t know who to react to that. Am I writing to my blog audience or am I writing to you or myself? Who am I trying to convince at this point? Why am I trying to convince anyone about anything? Am I trying to convince or do I know it? I just don’t know.

I really almost finished a full bottle on wine. I literally have a quarter of the entire bottle left. You know I’m proud of myself for that, but also not. That’s a lot to drink, but I also don’t care. Why should I care so much? It doesn’t help you in anyways at all too care so much. I sound bitter, but that’s cause I can be. I’m not that type of person anyways because I know it’s better to push on past it, but let me just take my moment for a bit. Let me just pause and breathe for a bit. Let a bitch breathe for once. Sometimes I think I push myself too hard, but I wouldn’t be where I’m at now because of it. I got myself out of a rough situation and i’m better coming out if it. Just when can I sit and enjoy that without having to deal with the next situation?