Tag: Feelings

Everything All at Once.

I’ve been feeling over whelmed the last few weeks and strongly this week. It feels like everything is coming at me all at once. I’ve started writing a blog every day this week to express how I’ve been feeling, but I haven’t been able to finish any of them because I also feel mentally exhausted. Then it’s 5 am and I need to sleep or I’ll be tired for work. Well hello 6 am, it’s me. I’m up even later than usual. I guess I just have to take the L for work.

It’s frustrating, I’m feeling frustrated at this point. It’s exhausting, I’ve been exhausted. It’s overwhelming, I’m overwhelmed with everything, I have been overwhelmed with everything for a long time now. It’s not with just what’s going on around me and within my personal life, but also with all the overthinking and trying to process situations and understanding and trying to figure out how I feel about things. Then I go to work and that takes up a lot of my time, so I don’t even have that much time out of my day to work everything out. I feel like I’m trying to catch up with myself from the times of 2 am – 6 am everyday. That’s all I get and it’s not enough. I think I’m starting to burn out. You don’t want to try to figure things out during those times especially when you’re alone anyways. It’s not something I can’t handle, but I’m starting to feel defeated. Which makes me feel sad and then it’s another thing for me to add on. Everything all at once.

Your mental health is important. You are important. It’s important and very needed to put yourself first. Allow yourself to unload your mind, give yourself the time and a safe space or environment. Really focus on helping yourself. You are the only you that you will ever have. Do whatever it takes to feel okay again and remember to do it in a positive way and not with something that will later negatively effect you. Build yourself up and then protect that.

Letter to myself:
You got this, Sally. You can pull through. Adjustments are coming, just hold on a little longer. Things are going to change and it will help with a lot of the things. Do what feels right even if it’s not what you want. Let go of things that you cannot control. Communicate what you can, baby steps. Don’t forget to celebrate the baby steps along the way. Give yourself some sort of break. Things feel hard, but you’ve, we, us, I have been making progress. You’re stronger than you know, but I still worry. Remember, everything at once will eventually become nothing at all. Truly, take care of yourself this time.

To Let It Go.

It isn’t one of those good days, I want to curl up in a ball and lay in bed all day. My brain really said “Hey Sally, fuck you. You’re not shit today <3”
Everything you’ve been working on disappears as if that work never happened. It doesn’t exist. It’s hard to feel that when you thought you’ve moved way past it. The doubt of what you thought you achieved just sits there and eats you away making it hard to see the growth.

Conversation between my brain and I through text. My brain today told me to be insecure and sad today like it's an okay thing. I'm not happy about it obviously, but I can't help it. Your brain and thoughts can destroy you.

This may be a raw one. I’ve tried to protect it from coming out so much that today I just can’t do it anymore. Something that I wanted to keep private for me to process ended up coming out in a fire anyways and I’ve been fighting to put it out this whole time. I’m tired of fighting for myself.

To let it go. It’s been such a challenge and something I still haven’t figured out yet. Sometimes when something so heartbreaking or traumatic happens to you, you start to believe that maybe you did deserve it. For whatever reason why I may think it, I know at the same time that I didn’t deserve it, but it’s easier to believe I did. It’s the “easier” option for me to understand what or why it happened even if it hurts. Someone who loves you, but hurts you in ways they or you would never imagine, try to make that make sense. It’s heartbreaking. Now put where I’m at now into that and then try to make sense of that. Sometimes if feels like I’m fighting demons out here and the demon is myself, actually my own thoughts vs how I feel. The two peacefully agree most time, but then you have days like this where they switch up and play both sides. It’s this, but that, it’s that, but this. Tugging me back and forth and back and forth. I just want to lay down and rest or drink. A drink would be nice. To let it all go would be nice.

Self defense mechanisms, thank you, but also you are my worst enemy. Thank you for trying to soften the next unknown, but it’s not helping me personally with healing. I can’t keep holding on to this thing, I don’t want too. I want to make my peace and I want to move on. Let me do that, let me let it go.

Dear February.

February, you always find a way of repeating yourself for the past few years and honestly I’m over it. There’s very little good to remember, instead it’s a stretch of time and waiting. You try so hard for something so simple. I wouldn’t say rock bottom, but why does it feels like it’s always desperate climbing out of something? Why must you be so stubborn?
First was a start of something I would have never known. Something that I didn’t think was capable of happening. Something that I just didn’t know. Something that won’t ever leave me. Just a lot of missing and things unknown. A strange feeling, but I trusted something else because there was no way. It’s just not there, right? It’s happy still. It’s still just a day dream, still that fairytale, but you’re losing it right in front of you without even realizing it. It’s busy, one starts to feel lonely while the other is doing something with a bigger vision in mind. It’s not aligned.
Second, just more of the same thing except it’s known. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re more aware of the bottles than what going in your life. That warmth from last month got you through, so why not continue? It allows you to escape the old and the new, it allows you to escape the feeling of being a ticking time bomb. Any emotions released, good and bad, but you just don’t care because it’s the only time you can express anything. Otherwise, it’s too much to even think of any other time. Stand up for yourself and pour out whatever you feel. Pour out a cup, pour out two, pour out three at least. Shit, we’re already on five, make it six and we’re numb. Perfect. It’s the only thing you can make sense of, the only thing that feels real, the only thing that is staying consistent. The one thing reality is letting you take control of. Just keep busy.
“So I’ll take all of all of my wasted love and turn it into wine in my cup.”
Third, it’s not a full repeat, but there’s lingering. There’s still some of the same. There’s some of the same cups, but not out of control. We don’t drink until we’re numb anymore, but emotions still are there. It’s still there. Keep busy only a few left. There’s joy, but it can still feel lonely, but there’s joy. Things aren’t fueling anymore. There’s room to think with clarity and understanding. Understanding? Maybe that’s a reach. Your skin is tough, but things still sit under it. All you can do is sit and control yourself.

Dear February, save me. You’ve given me everything you gave me, but you’re scorned.

SALLY ♡ T

Drunk Thoughts: Hungover

I’m actually hungover as I post this, but when I was drunk last night I wrote this and honestly it’s one of my favorite things that I’ve written. Not because it’s cute, but because most of my drunk thoughts are never about me being happy. I’m sure you’ve read some of them, this is very different from all of those.

I’m in a very good place in my life and just figuring everything out slowly, but in a healthy way. I owe that to myself. For me it’s so easy to write about the sad stuff and stuff that will help me feel better, but so hard to write when I’m happy. Why is it like that? I don’t know, but it explains why I haven’t written anything recently. Things are good though, I can’t complain. I’ll write an update on what I’ve been up to when I’m not dying from being hungover lol

SALLY ♡ T

Things That Just Come Into Your Life.

Things will come into your life when you least expect it or when you are ready even when you don’t feel like you are. I don’t know why or how, it just does. They all have some sort of place or lesson for you. There’s always a reason and it will stay present in your everyday life, in every way possible until you decide to accept it.

I am allowing myself to accept things. I am allowing myself to accept everything, I am not running, I choose to heal, I choose to improve myself. It’s hard to always allow yourself to be that open especially when it comes with a whole range of emotions. It’s not always pretty, but I’ve been starting to see different things or signs that I’ve never noticed before and it’ll fit so well with what I am struggling with. It’s crazy to think about how the placement of certain situations and actions in your life.

SAL.LY ♡ T

The Happy of 2020: Part Two.

I’m not feeling too happy right now, so maybe this will help me. Let’s get on with it before the year ends. Part two, The Happy.

I went to Florida. I know it’s a pandemic and I also kind of hate myself for traveling too. Just know that I made sure that I did what I could to protect myself and others when I did leave and come back. I really didn’t have too much time to take for myself, nor could I take off until my job closed for a little, so I took full advantage of it. Was it the smartest? Probably not. Anyways that trip was a fun get away from life trip for me. It sparked something in me that felt like I was losing. You find a little bit of yourself everywhere you explore.

This specific Sunday. There was this one Sunday funday that my two friends and I had around the town and we did everything that we could do downtown. Even though we talked about how men are trash the whole day, I had so much fun with them. Knowing that I could be that person for them is everything. I value my friendships so much. It started off with a brunch, then to one of my favorite rooftop bars. A rooftop bar in October, where the weather was almost too perfect for that time of year. After the rooftop, we went to our local candle making shop and then going to get food again after. We went to the cutest spots. I have the cutest friends. I really love them and this year has taken away a lot of experiences that I would’ve had with them. (Sorry, suppose to be happy, lol.) I LOVE MY MOTHER FUCKING FRIENDS. PERIODT.

All I’m going to say about this next one is my Mr. Sweetface. He has been a huge happy part of my year.

All holiday celebrations. The holidays are a little hard for me and my situation, but even during a pandemic things worked out. I’m blessed to be surrounded by such loving people that know how to celebrate. I’m very blessed to be spending tonight with people that I know will be the closest to me for the rest of my life. Without these people I don’t know where I would be. I’m going to cry tonight, I know it. I can just feel it. About the good and bad, but I know they’ll make me forget about it all and help bring love and laughter into the New Year with me.

I know I was a little negative in this ones, but you get the point haha. There’s just some things you can’t do anything about, so you just have to accept it and try to just let it go. Just make sure to surround yourself with love and loved ones tonight, you at least deserve that. We’re going to all be okay. Happy New Years Eve and a Happy New Year!

SALLY ♡ T 

It All Comes Rushing Back.

Although would like to say this was part of the Drunk Thoughts series, it’s not. I actually sobered up from my drinking and just typing my feelings out at 4 AM. Here we are again, the heavy feeling. It all comes rushing back.

Just when things seem so great, it all comes rushing back. You can’t do anything about it, but to deal with it. That part I’m not so great with. How do you know you’re making progress? How do you know you’re getting through it instead of pushing it aside? Am I really putting my needs first?

I don’t doubt or second guess my decisions, but I do doubt where I should be or think I shouldn’t let shit bother me like it does. Why do I still get these nasty little reminders and why do they still hurt me just as much? Sometimes I get so far, just for a reminder to remind me that I actually am not. I actually haven’t even gone anywhere, like I’m just stuck in the cycle.

I go on with my day with a little bit of a heavy heart sometimes and I just push through, but what if one day I don’t have the strength for it? What can I do then? The last thing I want to do is let it consume my emotions and dwell. I’ve done that so many times and had that time already. You know, people carry a lot on their shoulders, they carry a lot on their backs. Not everyone is as happy as they seem. I hope my peace finds me, I really hope soon.

Be kind to others, be respectful, or just leave them alone. Leave things be and let it happen.

“But now I know you can’t change the past, way too young to know the reason why and it all comes rushing back, rushing back.”

SALLY ♡ T

When Your Heart Feels Heavy.

When your heart feels heavy what do you do? When you start to feel it take over, why can’t we just snap out of it? I just continue to stand or sit there and I can’t move, I can’t think about anything else. My eyes become waterfalls. It’s not until then when I can try to make myself feel better. Where I can try to talk myself down and away from whatever dark place I went too. What can you do when your heart feels heavy?

It just happens sometimes. There’s no way around it. You just have to live with it. What a tragic feeling to feel honestly. A heavy heart, a heavy weight. A tragic feeling to feel when you least expect it. It creeps up on me all the time. I can be at my happiest or feel like i’m finally at peace with myself and then it comes. A constant reminder of things I don’t want to remember, of things I tried to block out, of things I tried to drink away. Why do I have to relive the sadness? I really don’t understand why I remember any of it. They say “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” but it pretty much kills me in the inside every time. So when your heart feels heavy, what do you do?

SALLY ♡ T

To Anybody Going Through It.

It can’t be just me right? I’ve been feeling down, sad, and overly emotional for the past week and a half. I don’t know why or what is making me feel this way and I can’t figure it out either, which makes it super frustrating. It kind of took over a little more of me than I wanted causing me to act upon those feelings in a negative way. I can’t even listen to music in my car without bursting into random tears. I feel like something is missing, but I can’t grasp what it is. I’m already a pretty emotional person, but now it’s just ten times worst.

You’re not alone though. We all are feeling some type of way and even though it may be different, we all can relate to one another. There’s a lot going on around the world currently and we are living through a pandemic that has changed the way we live and the weather is changing to cooler or colder temperatures as we speak. There’s not much we can do to control it, but we can choose how we will deal with it and how to get through these weird times.

Here’s some thing I’ve been doing to try to cope with the recent sadness:
○ Putting in the effort of getting ready for the day, like dressing up a little and putting makeup on
○ Surrounding myself with good company
○ Communicating about how I feel and getting validation that I’m not the only one feeling this way
○ Walking around market or stores with greenhouses. Plants do wonders to your mood and don’t forget that fresh air!
○ Hugs. Hug someone or a pet for a little longer than usual. Trust me, it will help. (Thanks Kona)
○ Choosing an affirmation for the day and say it out loud or think about it throughout the day
○ Vitamins. The weather is getting colder and darker, so let’s get on that Vitamin D to beat the seasonal depression
○ Choosing to go somewhere or doing something instead of laying in bed all day. A simple walk around the neighborhood will do the trick.
○ Out of town girls/friend trip. A little shopping and eating trip to a place you don’t visit often is always nice. A mini trip to refresh your mind with.

If you feel like you can’t talk to anyone or want to talk to a stranger about things, my email or social media messages are always open. You would also be doing me a favor. You can head to my contact page or find the links at the bottom of my blog page.
To anybody going through it, you aren’t alone and you don’t have to feel like you are.

SALLY ♡ T

Healing is not perfection.

"You can be healing and still: triggered, afraid, emotionally closed-off, unclear of which path to take next, or tender.
Healing is not perfection, it's small steps and progress towards becoming you again. Journey with grace through the process."
- L A L A H  D E L I A

Healing is not perfection. Get that through your head, understand it, and accept it. Healing is not perfection and it is so important to know that. You’ll feel happy one moment, but the next time you’re crying. Most days you forget all about it and some it’s all you can think about. The littlest things can trigger memories or recall old thoughts. It’s literally just as emotional as going through what you’re healing from, but without the trauma. Healing is about acknowledging that it happened, learning from what happened, accepting that it happened, and forgiving what happened. Expect many emotions and waves of emotions. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel clueless. It’s okay to feel lost. Just know those are temporary feelings and you’ll be okay in the end. You’re always going to be better in the end. Trust the process and take everything that you can from it.

I’m tired. Tired of how long it’s taking me. Tired of feeling like i’m stuck. Tired of feeling like people don’t think I’m not going and haven’t been going through it too. Like how does that even make sense to you?

SALLY ♡ T