Tag: Struggle

November & December ’24 Mini Writings.

November and December seem to be one big blur to me with all the holidays, a little promotion/added position at work, end of the school semester and other personal things. I do remember November just being a huge heart tugger for me. A lot of love and sadness all in one. Although I was kept very busy until a week into January 2025, I was able to post a little more mini notes than the last few months and that I am happy with! I’m playing catch up with my blog and all the other SALLY♡THINGS social platforms this month, but more will be on the way ♡

Tuesday, November 5, 2024

I loved to my core, and you tried to find love within.

– sally.things

Tuesday, November 12,2024

“I feel even closer to you now. You always let me talk about how I feel.”

– sally.things

Tuesday, November 19, 2024

Allow flowers to grow in between the concrete of your grief.

– sally.things

Friday, November 29, 2024

I am safe within my own love. I forgive myself for over giving to others.

– sally.things

Monday, December 9, 2024

People can still see the light in you, even when you can’t.

– sally.things

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

“Someone dreams about what it will mean to be with someone like you.”

– sally.things

Tuesday, December 17, 2024

Give yourself some grace & find some peace in the truth.

– sally.things

Gentle.

gen·tle
having or showing a mild, kind, or tender temperament or character.

Gentle. What a word I crave to have. A word I crave to feel. Gentle.
Gentle life, gentle love, gentle thoughts, gentle feelings and feeling gentle. What a thing to crave. I have been in something nothing close to gentle, it was everything opposite, all the while I was trying to be gentle.

Gentle love. Love is suppose to be gentle. Love should be gentle. Real love is gentle. You should be valued during your good and your bad moments. You should be respected in heated moments. Your boundaries should be respected. They should always consider you and your feelings in situations, they should consider your opinions and validate your feelings. You should be trusted with making your own decisions and that theirs isn’t always the right way. They shouldn’t assume that only they know better. You should never have to be gaslit or manipulated. A gentle love is where they are so thankful to have you in their life and they show you that in the most genuine way without any extra intentions behind it. In a gentle love, you are the priority. It’s just you. You shouldn’t have to question the little things or the way they act or their love for you. You should never be left wondering if they care about you. Love is suppose to be gentle and I crave exactly that.

Gentle thoughts and feelings. To have a gentle mind and heart again, I want that. To have a gentle mind that’s quiet with your thoughts or to have a gentle heart that won’t make you feel sad the moment you are no longer busy and can put your day away. They don’t necessarily have to be empty, but light and kind. Not filled with rage, sadness, doubt, etc. Something that is quieter than what it has been. Something more loving and not broken. I crave that.

I am tired and drained from everything not being gentle.

Strangers.

Strangers. one word with a huge meaning.
one word that I hope will never be right.
Strangers. How can you become a stranger though?
Strangers are people who have no impact on your life.
You. You had a huge impact on my life. Nothing like a stranger would.
So does that really make you or us strangers, ever?
Unless one of us really forgets everything, we will never be strangers.
That was never the plan to become strangers.

– thoughts that are more often

To Childhood Sally.

Dear Childhood Sally (age 1-10),

Hello from 26 year old you from 2022. Oh god have I missed you! What it would be like to be as innocent and stress free again. You don’t even know it, but you have a whole entire life ahead of you that your tiny little child brain could never even imagine. What you dreamed for yourself at this age is not even close to who you become in your adult life. You dreamed of being a singer and dancer or a veterinarian. Sorry to break it to you, but you are none of those. Anyways, I’m here writing to you because I am currently trying to heal you, this inner child that I still carry around. This inner child that at this age went through multiple events that would change you and end up becoming your traumas.

Did you know that you grew up with some of the biggest technology advancements? You went from hit clips to burning cd’s, you were born right after web browsing became a thing, and the start of social media happened right before you hit middle school. You had that play outside and eat dirt childhood and you also adapted quite well with all the technology advancements happening. It’s so crazy to think about. Did you know you also went through your parent’s divorce? I won’t get into much detail, because we can keep that for ourselves, but you are a strong one. You struggled hard with that one and the struggle went on for years. That tiny child brain that couldn’t imagine her future was able to make her way through somehow.

You are so strong and I’m proud of you. I am working on healing your wounds that will eventually become present much later, but I am working on you. I want you to know that I see you and I hear you. I understand everything. I would love to go back in time and sit there to hug you at what you felt were your hardest moments. We are very much still alike still. We hide so much of our emotions because we don’t want other to see us that way. We still need that person to help with our bottled up emotions, but I’ll be that for you as much as I can. Thank you for giving me a great childhood regardless. By the way, we still love the color pink, we just went through a small phase ♡ 

Stepping Into Unknown Territory — The Truth.

What a time to be me. In a positive way, what a time to be me. I get to step into this unknown territory, this unknown area, an unknown place with these unknown feelings. I get to choose, feel, think, and speak for myself and only myself. I get to choose for myself without having to worry about putting someone else’s responsibilities first. I can finally put myself first.

It’s very new to me. I can’t think of a time where I was able to put myself first — like ever. That’s crazy right? I’ve put others before me — what feels like my entire life. Not anymore. So how does that make me feel? Honestly, it doesn’t feel right, it feels very off. I feel very selfish and somewhat empty. I felt fulfilled by being needed by others even if it drained me or held me back from what I could actually achieve. But hey, at least they still needed me, I am that much. I’m learning to understand that I am much more than that, but I also can be that person for others still. I’m learning to understand that I can put myself first and still take care of others, I just had my priorities backwards. It’s whats making this such a new territory for me. I had it wrong all along and I’m okay with admitting to that.

Who was I to be working three jobs to support not only myself, but three other people who were very much capable of taking care of themselves? Who was I to feel like such a disappointment when I couldn’t help pay bills for someone that made more than me with their one job verses my three? Who was I to feel like a failure for dropping out of school because people were throwing their responsibilities on me and I had no choice, but to take it all on? I can’t help but to feel rage and anger because it felt like I had no other choice. I also don’t want to hold onto those feelings because it’s so heavy and it’s so tiring to hold that hurt in your heart. I want to forgive.

Truth be told, I can finally think of goals for myself and actually work towards them. Before, I would come up with a goal, but I would always fail because I wasn’t my own first priority. I constantly failed at things because I put others before me and I let that eat me up. Eat me up to a point where I gave up on dreams and goals and adjusted living my life around everyone else’s schedules. I’m not entirely mad about it because I learned the lessons that came with, but it makes me sad to look back on sometimes. I poured my heart out and into everyone around me and left nothing for myself. Truth be told, even though I’m happy that I get to move forward and it’s exciting to see myself take these little steps, I have no idea what I’m doing. When you are so focused on others around you, you forget about yourself. I always knew how I wanted to end up in life, but I was never able to think about the details of how I would get there. It was like okay I’m at point A, I need to get to point C, but never thought of point B.

I know I have a lot of work to put forward and to put in. I know before I can fully enjoy what’s ahead of me, I have to learn to let this all stay behind me. Even though I felt a sense of fulfillment before, I have to unlearn it and go through this confusing emptiness. I have to be very cautious in what I do until I actually know what to do. Last thing I want is seeing myself fall into old ways again. This is the truth, this is my truth, this is me.

I Don’t Want To Let You Down, But I Got To Let You Know.

I don’t want to let you down, but I got to let you know that I’m trying my best even if it seems differently. I won’t be at the bestest best, but a very low best and that’s the best I can do right now. Things feel heavy and sometimes they get heavier. I’m currently at my lowest best. I know time has been going by and it seems like things haven’t changed or maybe it’s gotten a little worst, but know that at the end of the day I’ll still be okay. Even if it seems like all I ever feel is sad, stressed or want to cry, I’ll eventually be okay. Nobody wants to see the truth, but the truth is it’s not all rainbows and butterflies over here and it seems like it won’t be for a little while longer. Don’t feel like you can change things, it just has to run its course.

So with that being said, thank you. Thank you for the kind words and messages that I’ve received these past few months. I tried so hard to hide my struggles and sadness, but it made me feel even worse and tired. It’s okay to feel those feeling in front of others, there’s no shame. Everyone feels them. In a weird way, knowing that others can see the changes has help me accept what I’m going through and has helped validate my feelings. It makes me feel more like a person, a real person, a real person who is living a real life. Maybe somewhere along the way I’ve lost a sense of that. It’s been a weird and unusual two years.

I don’t want let you down, but I got to let you know I’m doing my best. I’m going to continue working on finding little joys and love in little things and celebrating the small little things. ♡

Everything All at Once.

I’ve been feeling over whelmed the last few weeks and strongly this week. It feels like everything is coming at me all at once. I’ve started writing a blog every day this week to express how I’ve been feeling, but I haven’t been able to finish any of them because I also feel mentally exhausted. Then it’s 5 am and I need to sleep or I’ll be tired for work. Well hello 6 am, it’s me. I’m up even later than usual. I guess I just have to take the L for work.

It’s frustrating, I’m feeling frustrated at this point. It’s exhausting, I’ve been exhausted. It’s overwhelming, I’m overwhelmed with everything, I have been overwhelmed with everything for a long time now. It’s not with just what’s going on around me and within my personal life, but also with all the overthinking and trying to process situations and understanding and trying to figure out how I feel about things. Then I go to work and that takes up a lot of my time, so I don’t even have that much time out of my day to work everything out. I feel like I’m trying to catch up with myself from the times of 2 am – 6 am everyday. That’s all I get and it’s not enough. I think I’m starting to burn out. You don’t want to try to figure things out during those times especially when you’re alone anyways. It’s not something I can’t handle, but I’m starting to feel defeated. Which makes me feel sad and then it’s another thing for me to add on. Everything all at once.

Your mental health is important. You are important. It’s important and very needed to put yourself first. Allow yourself to unload your mind, give yourself the time and a safe space or environment. Really focus on helping yourself. You are the only you that you will ever have. Do whatever it takes to feel okay again and remember to do it in a positive way and not with something that will later negatively effect you. Build yourself up and then protect that.

Letter to myself:
You got this, Sally. You can pull through. Adjustments are coming, just hold on a little longer. Things are going to change and it will help with a lot of the things. Do what feels right even if it’s not what you want. Let go of things that you cannot control. Communicate what you can, baby steps. Don’t forget to celebrate the baby steps along the way. Give yourself some sort of break. Things feel hard, but you’ve, we, us, I have been making progress. You’re stronger than you know, but I still worry. Remember, everything at once will eventually become nothing at all. Truly, take care of yourself this time.