Tag: Self Reminder

Things Will Get Better.

It seems like I’ve been telling myself that a lot more often. Things will get better. Little end of the year update, I’m not doing that great, but that’s okay because it’s not the end of the world for me. I’m just a little more emotional and sensitive, so it feels a lot worse then what it really is. I know I can get through, but damn it really do be like this. There’s not much that I want to vent out right now because that is just a post of it’s own. *ahem, ahem* you’ll see it later and it’ll explain about 80% of why I’ve been sooooo like this. I just have my own demons that I need to deal with. Holiday season without my family is getting to me too. I didn’t think it would so much, but I miss the shit out of them. Back in Michigan, I wasn’t home much or barely saw my family, but at least I saw them. I don’t even get that now because I’m in another state. That’s been hard. What’s even harder is not seeing my friends on a daily basis like I did before. Now they are my everything. I honestly saw them more than my family. That’s what makes me sad the most, my friends aren’t with me. I know we’re friends forever and we’ll always be together, but you guys are my mf heart. My life feel less fulfilled without spending that time with you guys :’)

I’ve been trying to figure out what’s got me down bad and why I’m feeling more and more less of who I am. I built my personality off my friends in a way, who am I without them LOL. Sounds bad, but it’s true. I know who I am without them, but I like the version of me with them. She’s happy. I just do better around people and being social. My friends are truly inspiring and probably one of my biggest supports. Haters will say “well that’s why you have your bf too” yes, I do and I’m so lucky that I do, but look… I got some issues… and I need multiple validations from more than just one person. I lack the support and needs growing up, but I won’t get into that. That’s gonna be saved for my therapist. All I know is when I visit home, I feel like I thrive, I feel like me. I am me. Grand Rapids got my mf heart. BUT YOU KNOW, I made this choice and things will get better.

Sally, things will get better.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness isn’t for the one you’re forgiving, it’s for you.

The Good Doctor

You think you know everything until you become an adult and realize that you actually don’t know shit. You think things will be easy, but then you start to feel emotions that you’ve never felt before. Everything hits you harder and has a deeper meaning bringing up childhood traumas and resentful feelings that you never knew you had. The only way to overcome them is to truly forgive.

Forgiveness isn’t for the one you’re forgiving, it’s for you.
Forgiving means to be at peace with it, within yourself. You can forgive a person all you want, but if you’re not at peace with it does it really matter? Does that even count as forgiveness or is it just half ass? You can be at peace with someone and avoid them, but you can’t avoid yourself. We carry around our emotions everywhere whether we like it or not. Forgiving people is not just for the other person(s), but for yourself.

It will take time and effort to forgive and to feel at peace, but once you do it’ll be worth so much and more. You need to run through the emotions in order to get there. You need to let your ego, pride, and anger go to let it take you through. Seems crazy, but to forgive you actually have to open yourself up even more. Forgiving is so vulnerable.

I hope that everyone (including myself) can open up and forgive whomever or whatever. Not only will we forgive them, but also forgive ourselves in the process. We’re adults, it’s time to heal in the most healthy ways. ♡

I’m Just Trying to Get to You.

Lately I’ve been more to myself, not out as much, visiting home more often, not writing, just MIA. It’s not because I hate anyone or anything super crazy, but I haven’t felt too much like myself and it’s been feeling like I’ve been losing myself. I’ve been feeling stuck in a low place, but I still have to catch up and live my daily life. It’s stressful, it’s draining.

I can think back to the exact moment where I started to feel this way. I can pinpoint the exact reason, I can tell you exactly why. I can also tell you that it has made me a worse person, a bitter person, but also how it made me feel on top of the world but in the worst way. The saying “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off too,” well I didn’t even give my friends a chance to jump because I was the friend that did it first. The problem is I held on to it for too long. It was a temporary high, a temporary relief, it wasn’t meant to be kept. That’s a problem of mine, I hold on to whatever makes me feel good whether it’s long lasting or suppose to be temporary. Whatever makes or made me feel good. It has changed every aspect of my life and every aspect of myself. Me holding on allowed it to swallow me whole to where I don’t feel like or see myself anymore.

I need to unlearn everything. I need to break the negative patterns and behaviors that I’ve developed. I need to find myself again. It’s draining me out. What I thought was good for me was actually not and now I have to unlearn something that felt right. It feels so wrong.

Did I run away at times? Yes, I sure did.
How do you expect to start unlearning anything in the environment that you picked it up in? When it comes to something like this you need to get away to a place where you can give yourself a safe space far from the bad. Somewhere you can self reflect, somewhere you can ground yourself, somewhere that will remind you of the old you and where you wish to be. That’s what home is to me, so I’m willing to go back as many times as it takes to feel like myself again, to be better.

It’s always okay to slow down. It’s always okay to miss out. It’s always okay to unlearn unhealthy patterns and behaviors. It’s always okay to learn from your mistakes.

On bad days, it’s okay to rest. It’s a lot, it’s emotional, it’s draining. ST, You need to let go and unlearn what you’re use too. It serves no purpose to you. Deal with it head on ST, you know there’s no other way. ST, this isn’t you and you know that. We didn’t go through all of it for it to become this way. Be true to yourself in every way even if it hurts, it’s what you owe to yourself. Please listen to yourself and how you feel, don’t give up. Never give up, you can always be better. The way you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. Mental health days are fine, take more of them. Take advantage of the help that’s out there. Take more time for yourself. At least you’re working on yourself for yourself. Healing takes time.
– ST Reminders

“I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.”

No matter what you do or try to be there will always be those dark moments in your life. We can’t avoid it and will fall into it from time to time. It sucks, but the truth is it’s just unavoidable. You either consume it or it consumes you, you either come out better or worse. There’s no way of telling until after.

I know I said I was going to post more often, but life got in the way. Both good and bad things. It’s been feeling like constant high and lows for me and I’ve been trying to raw dog my way through it. When I say that I mean by not running to alcohol whenever I feel sad. I would say I’m doing a decent job at that. Yes, I still drink on the weekends, but it’s more for fun and socially, not to fill a void. I haven’t been going to my therapy sessions either because there’s rules about keeping the same therapist when you move to different states, so at this point I pretty much have to find a new therapist. I liked my therapist I had in Michigan so much it feels like I won’t be able to find another like her. I’m trying to learn healthier ways to express my emotions and unlearn the negative patterns that I’ve been holding on to for forever. It’s hard as fuck. No one will ever tell you how it drains a lot of you because it feels like you are losing a part of yourself. You know, it’s something that you’ve known and was comfortable with for a while. Even if it’s bad, unhealthy or negative, it’s what you knew and what you adapted. What I will say though is to make sure you try to unlearn things for you and not for anyone else. If you aren’t doing it for yourself, then you will fall right back into it and you’re only going to disappoint yourself. Unless you’re actually willing to change, you’re not going to no matter how much you want it. That’s just how this shit works.

Exactly what am I looking for? “I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.” Small baby steps, so just less pain right now, then after happiness and whatever comes next. Honestly if I can just feel content again, I’d be happy with that. I’m not looking for anything big right now, just to be okay again.

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

  • You will get through it
  • Your best is enough
  • It is okay to rest
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your feelings are valid
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your goals are important
  • Your voice deserves to get heard

We’re all rooting for you.

Not Figured Out.

Feel like you haven’t figured your life or even yourself out? Welcome to the club. I’ll proudly claim to be the face of it if no one else wants too. As much as it seems like I have my life figured out, I don’t. Not even close to it. I’m just out here living my life as much as I can.

I wanted to say and let you know that it’s okay to not have your life figured out. It doesn’t matter how old young or old, if you have achievements or if you’re in school or not. That’s okay, you have time to figure it out. You have your own time to do things at your own pace. Do what feels right to you, but also know what you’re going to be getting yourself into.

There will be people who will automatically look down on you because they think that not following society’s ‘norms’ means you are less, not as achieved, lazy, not willing. Don’t let anyone like that get into your head. They aren’t you, they don’t understand what you personally go through or feel about anything. You are enough the way you are and you’re doing your best everyday. I’m one that loves to celebrate small steps because sometimes that’s all a person has. You may not feel figured out, but that doesn’t mean you are failing at anything. Be proud of the little things that you’ve accomplished.

You are enough, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

Everything All at Once.

I’ve been feeling over whelmed the last few weeks and strongly this week. It feels like everything is coming at me all at once. I’ve started writing a blog every day this week to express how I’ve been feeling, but I haven’t been able to finish any of them because I also feel mentally exhausted. Then it’s 5 am and I need to sleep or I’ll be tired for work. Well hello 6 am, it’s me. I’m up even later than usual. I guess I just have to take the L for work.

It’s frustrating, I’m feeling frustrated at this point. It’s exhausting, I’ve been exhausted. It’s overwhelming, I’m overwhelmed with everything, I have been overwhelmed with everything for a long time now. It’s not with just what’s going on around me and within my personal life, but also with all the overthinking and trying to process situations and understanding and trying to figure out how I feel about things. Then I go to work and that takes up a lot of my time, so I don’t even have that much time out of my day to work everything out. I feel like I’m trying to catch up with myself from the times of 2 am – 6 am everyday. That’s all I get and it’s not enough. I think I’m starting to burn out. You don’t want to try to figure things out during those times especially when you’re alone anyways. It’s not something I can’t handle, but I’m starting to feel defeated. Which makes me feel sad and then it’s another thing for me to add on. Everything all at once.

Your mental health is important. You are important. It’s important and very needed to put yourself first. Allow yourself to unload your mind, give yourself the time and a safe space or environment. Really focus on helping yourself. You are the only you that you will ever have. Do whatever it takes to feel okay again and remember to do it in a positive way and not with something that will later negatively effect you. Build yourself up and then protect that.

Letter to myself:
You got this, Sally. You can pull through. Adjustments are coming, just hold on a little longer. Things are going to change and it will help with a lot of the things. Do what feels right even if it’s not what you want. Let go of things that you cannot control. Communicate what you can, baby steps. Don’t forget to celebrate the baby steps along the way. Give yourself some sort of break. Things feel hard, but you’ve, we, us, I have been making progress. You’re stronger than you know, but I still worry. Remember, everything at once will eventually become nothing at all. Truly, take care of yourself this time.

For The Both Of Us.

If I had the opportunity to go back into time, I would go back to you and hug you for the both of us. Lord knows you were going to need it and I know I need it now. We’re the same person, but in such two different realities. I need it for the strength, for the encouragement, to appreciate how far I’ve come and because I miss that twinkle in my eye. You need it for the moment, for what’s to come, for who you are, and also for the strength. I wouldn’t go back and say sorry or try to change anything. Not because I think it was meant to happen, but because I don’t know any of the what if’s and I’d rather not try to think about it. It would be maddening either way and in every other different way anyways.

For the both of us, I would go back in time, enjoy that moment with you, remember what it was like and hug you. That hug would have been everything to you because that hug was what I needed and was looking for and felt like I never got. So I would go back in time to hug you for the both of us. The twinkle wasn’t based on truth, but love and I miss that. Sometimes they are hand in hands and other times they aren’t. Balancing them when they aren’t isn’t the easiest, but you got here. You got me here, I’m here.
“Without you I can’t be, you’re the universe to me. You’re the air in my lungs, you’re the fields where I run, you’re the sky where I’m floating.“

Seven Lions at Electric Forest 2019 | June 30, 2019 11:41 PM

POV.

The way we see ourself vs. the way others see us.
It’s sooo different, the different point of views. We are much harder on ourselves and see the smallest flaws that no one would ever see or care about it. We make it hard and complicated to self love. It’s time to unlearn those negatives and start seeing ourselves with the same loving, outside POV.

WHAT OTHERS SEE (Boyfriend’s POV)

I will start off and say that I actually do like this picture that my boyfriend took of me. Yes, it’s also the backside of me, so you can’t see any flaws (except my messy hair lol). I usually like the pictures that my boyfriend takes of me over the selfies I try to take. When he takes the photos I can’t see myself, so I’m not trying so hard to pose to look good. He’ll also take a lot of photos of me when I’m not paying attention, so everything just looks more genuine and in the moment like the one above. Maybe it’s just me and I’m a weirdo, but when I look at his photos I look so different to myself. Almost like “wow I really look like that?”, but in a good way. I see myself in the same way that he sees me. It’s a nice little break away from my own thoughts.

vs

HOW I SEE MYSELF (Self POV)

This picture was taken the same day just a couple hours later and from my POV. I don’t think this is a super bad picture of myself, but there’s flaws that I can see. I’m sure it’s more insecurities than body dysmorphia, but looking at the picture I can say that my upper arm is big and meaty, then I think I need to lose weight around the tummy area and do some squats. Which most people would say I’m insane to be thinking all of that because I’m small already, which I agree with somewhat. Yes, I’m small, but small in size not weight. I’m only 5 feet tall so to a lot of people I am small, but when it comes to weight it’s totally different. Seeing these two pictures, it’s hard to believe that they are both of me from the same day.

Learning to self love is tough because we see ourselves so differently day to day. It’s a daily battle, but find a way to love yourself even if it’s something so small. We see the smallest flaws and turn them into insecurities, so why can’t we try to love the small things instead? When things get tough, find a picture that someone else took of you and try to see yourself from their eyes and love something you haven’t seen before.
It’s time to be kinder to ourselves, to love ourselves the way we see originally see ourselves, the way we actually look. Be gentle to yourself and be gentle in your thoughts. Real self love. We owe that to ourselves, we deserve real self love.

Dear February.

February, you always find a way of repeating yourself for the past few years and honestly I’m over it. There’s very little good to remember, instead it’s a stretch of time and waiting. You try so hard for something so simple. I wouldn’t say rock bottom, but why does it feels like it’s always desperate climbing out of something? Why must you be so stubborn?
First was a start of something I would have never known. Something that I didn’t think was capable of happening. Something that I just didn’t know. Something that won’t ever leave me. Just a lot of missing and things unknown. A strange feeling, but I trusted something else because there was no way. It’s just not there, right? It’s happy still. It’s still just a day dream, still that fairytale, but you’re losing it right in front of you without even realizing it. It’s busy, one starts to feel lonely while the other is doing something with a bigger vision in mind. It’s not aligned.
Second, just more of the same thing except it’s known. Be aware of your surroundings. You’re more aware of the bottles than what going in your life. That warmth from last month got you through, so why not continue? It allows you to escape the old and the new, it allows you to escape the feeling of being a ticking time bomb. Any emotions released, good and bad, but you just don’t care because it’s the only time you can express anything. Otherwise, it’s too much to even think of any other time. Stand up for yourself and pour out whatever you feel. Pour out a cup, pour out two, pour out three at least. Shit, we’re already on five, make it six and we’re numb. Perfect. It’s the only thing you can make sense of, the only thing that feels real, the only thing that is staying consistent. The one thing reality is letting you take control of. Just keep busy.
“So I’ll take all of all of my wasted love and turn it into wine in my cup.”
Third, it’s not a full repeat, but there’s lingering. There’s still some of the same. There’s some of the same cups, but not out of control. We don’t drink until we’re numb anymore, but emotions still are there. It’s still there. Keep busy only a few left. There’s joy, but it can still feel lonely, but there’s joy. Things aren’t fueling anymore. There’s room to think with clarity and understanding. Understanding? Maybe that’s a reach. Your skin is tough, but things still sit under it. All you can do is sit and control yourself.

Dear February, save me. You’ve given me everything you gave me, but you’re scorned.

SALLY ♡ T

Things That Just Come Into Your Life.

Things will come into your life when you least expect it or when you are ready even when you don’t feel like you are. I don’t know why or how, it just does. They all have some sort of place or lesson for you. There’s always a reason and it will stay present in your everyday life, in every way possible until you decide to accept it.

I am allowing myself to accept things. I am allowing myself to accept everything, I am not running, I choose to heal, I choose to improve myself. It’s hard to always allow yourself to be that open especially when it comes with a whole range of emotions. It’s not always pretty, but I’ve been starting to see different things or signs that I’ve never noticed before and it’ll fit so well with what I am struggling with. It’s crazy to think about how the placement of certain situations and actions in your life.

SAL.LY ♡ T