I can love your tears and the way you love too hard. I’ve learn to love the way you feel emotions and how deeply you hurt. I’m doing as much loving as I can while you go through what you are going through.
But sometimes, I just want to love your smiles and I just want to love your glow. I want to love your warmth, your laughs, your spark. I want to love the person you are when you feel the fullest. I want to love you the way you want to be loved, the way you deserve to be loved. Don’t worry, take your time, but you have to get there first.
I just want to love you. I just want to love me. I’m not done loving me yet.
For those who “want the tea”, this is MY blog. Let me set everything now.
I don’t know if I would consider this as ‘drunks thoughts’ because honestly I’m not drunk. I don’t even feel tipsy, I have just had a few (four, yes four) glasses of wine. If you have seen me lately, you know it doesn’t have ton of affect on me anymore, BUT I am still under the influence. It can still count right? Anyways, let’s do a check in.
It’s been a while since I’ve written or posted a blog. September 8 to be exact and today is November 8, so 2 months exactly. Yes, I took some time to myself and I took time for me to figure out what my life is going to be like and then I went through some things and I needed to figure out where I was going to be. I’ve hid, I’ve disappeared, I’ve acted crazy, I’ve joked around, I went through these crazy ups and downs, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve loved while being broken, I’ve been dealing with this broken version of me. I’ve done everything during those two months to present time. I was someone who I did not want to be, I was someone who I wanted to be and I was someone who I didn’t think I would become. To this day I’m still going through the motions and trying to become someone who just understands that I did what I could. It just wasn’t it. That’s the hardest part of it all, I want to blame myself for everything when it has nothing to do with my actions.
I still have a long way to go with everything. I know it’s going to be journey of ups and down, but at the end I just need to focus on me and my wellbeing. I have to be selfish right now and that’s very new to me. I would also like to ask everyone if they can respect my boundaries. I don’t want to hear or know of anything. I think I’ve heard enough already and that was more than what I could handle… If you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for myself, I’ll be more than willing to accept that instead. There’s still so much love coming and pouring out from me and that love will continue be there for a long time, just respect my boundaries.
I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve succumbed too. I’m not proud of the actions I’ve taken or some of the words I’ve said, but I do understand that I acted out because of how I felt emotionally and I would like to make a public apology. It ended up spilling out to more parties than just the one. I’m sorry. I know that if I was on that receiving side, I would have been livid or annoyed even if it was “understandable”. I hold myself accountable, that is not the person I think that I am nor wish to be. I let the worst get to me and I let what I’ve been trying to heal break. I know I apologized before, but I hope this reaches to those who it effected.
For those who “want the tea”, this is MY blog and this is what you get out of me. I’ll get what I deserve, they’ll get what they deserve and you’ll get what you deserve whether it’s good or bad. At this point please forget about me and leave all that negativity behind. I’m not fighting you or fighting for anyone or anything, but myself. I’ve removed myself a few months now, your problem is who you have been fighting with me for. Take it up with them, I wasn’t the one to begin with and definitely not the one now. Maybe take it up with yourself and finally hold yourself accountable. Stop lying to yourself and find peace within you. Hurt people hurt other people and like you, I need to find my way through too.
This is my piece and I acknowledge it’ll get passed around. I get to be selfish now, so please pass it around whether it’s with pure intentions or ill intentions.
“Hi, Sally – you don’t ever have to apologize for doing what you feel is best for you.“ A friend told me this and it’s something I needed to hear. I couldn’t tell you how much harder I cried just reading that first line because she was right. Why am I saying sorry if it’s for me?
“No matter how hard today might be. No matter how hard tomorrow might be, at the end of it all, you’re going to come out on top. Don’t get yourself too down.“ I’ve been trying so hard to not show my real emotions through my face and body language when I’m around people. So for me to get this when I was driving home by myself and letting all my emotions pour out, tears. More tears, hard tears, hard crying. Even if I can’t see it yet, I’ll always come out on top. He’s right.
To my two friends, thank you so much. You absolutely have no idea how much my SOUL needed to hear these. These have really stuck with me. ♡
Whatever I choose is for me. Even if it doesn’t seem like it worked out, it was suppose to be a lesson. Even if it did work out for me, it’s still a lesson. Something from it can always be taken as a lesson and in the end it’ll make me a better person. Always room for growth, always a better person, always for me. Take your time with things, be by yourself. Sit in your feelings, be with your feeling because that’s being with yourself. You need that the most – to be with yourself. No need to focus on the future, be in the present because that’s who needs you right now. Future Sally will be better if you take care of yourself now. No one is responsible for that, but yourself. Whatever happens here on out, it was suppose to happen.
Be with yourself, be gentle, take care of yourself, find love in the broken parts of yourself. Don’t apologize, you’ll come out on top.
Hello you! It’s older you, age 26 from 2022. I just want to start off by pointing out how much love you had and how much love you put out in the world. No one has a big heart like you or will understand it. You put others before yourself every time and because of that, you got hurt. Just know that hurt went away and we’re focusing on healing it everyday. You grew up really fast, maybe too fast. I know it felt impossible to avoid. I don’t even think it could have been avoided and because of it you decided to live your life and have as much fun as you could. Which resulted with bad school grades and rejection college letters, regretful decisions, relationships with the wrong people and even some abuse. Life experiences that you didn’t expect.
A lot of good also came from this time era too and we were able to take more from that and put it towards who we are today. The rejection letters gave you more freedom to choose your own life path and not the one you felt like you had to take. The regretful decisions lead you to better understanding and a better way of thinking through things before doing them. Relationships with wrong people taught you what kind of people you wanted to surround yourself with and the red flags to avoid. The abuse gave you strength and a voice that you are not scared of using, you protect people in similar situations and your beliefs are very strong. Everything showed you how life really is, the reality of things. You are a big foundation of your future.
I want you to know that things that you didn’t accomplish in this part of your life really doesn’t matter later. You make things work, you problem solve, you actually have a good head on your shoulders, even though you don’t think you do. You made real friendships, lifetime friendships. It’s actually a lot of our 10 years friendship anniversaries this year or the next. We’re still working on things we didn’t accomplish before, but it’s more along the lines of what we really want and not what was expected from us. The love you poured out is reciprocated back 10x from all the babies, you helped show all these little girls what it’s like to have a loving auntie. Showed them what unconditional love is, that’s so much more than what most would be able to achieve and you did it that young.
The most important thing that you did was rebel and did what you wanted to do instead of what was expected. As an adult now, I praise you for that. It was very hard and a lot of tears were cried, even some now, but we’re in a good place. We’re good now. I’m here to remind you that you are worth everything, you are not a disappointment, you are enough.
To Teenage Sally, you are everything to not only yourself, but also to others.♡
It’s something that has been talked about more and more each day, protecting your peace. So what does that actually mean? Basically protecting your space, your environment, not letting everyone take from you. You choose who gets your energy and those that don’t because they will drain you out. It doesn’t even have to be people, it can be actions or objects as well. Negative thoughts? Gone. Toxic family members? See you never. A gift that reminds you of a negative time in your life? Good bye.
I have a few stories of cutting certain friendships, relationships and connections that I really wanted to hold on to but no longer served, benefited or gave me joy. Now when I describe as ‘served me’ or ‘benefited’ I don’t mean it in a way that these were giving me something physical like money or material objects. I mean it in the way that they provided me with positive feelings, happiness, love, and support. Like they were there for me to lean on when needed without judgement or I didn’t feel like it was a competition of who does it better. People who are genuinely there for you, a two way relationship or connection.
Without getting into a lot of details because I still hope them the best, but I had to cut ties with a long term friendship, someone I knew the longest in my life. As we grew up, I think we grew apart and eventually that friendship started to drain me. I remained friends with this person for a long time after just hoping it would change cause I saw them as my #1 go to person. That friendship started to make me feel like we were competing with each other constantly. Eventually something happened, trust was broken and it was time to let go. As sad as it was to lose that friendship, I started feeling lighter, less drained. I no longer was in this negative mindset, it literally felt like I lost a storm cloud over my head. It’s just crazy how people can affect you negatively as much as they can positively. Another way that I’m working on protecting my peace is being more private with my personal social medias. I had to learn that not everyone is rooting for you. They’re really rooting for your downfall and just waiting to kick you the moment you look like you’re starting to fall. With that even if I publicly outed them, it wouldn’t stop. I was actually fueling their fire, feeding into their ego and giving them the attention that they so badly seeked and needed without even knowing. So I went quiet, I went private. On personal pages of mine, you don’t get to see my life unless I allow you to. I show you what I want to be shown on the other pages that are a little less private. Did that make people mad? Yeah. Did it stop all the crazies though? About 85%, but I’ll take that over what it was before. Then it gave me the opportunity to create this blog to relate with so many out there. It gave me an opportunity to be able to make a safe creative space for myself. So remember, not everyone is there for you and not everyone is rooting for you. That’s fine though, just like how you don’t like certain people, certain people won’t like you. Not everyone is for you and you’re not for everyone. Protect your peace.
If you are feeling drained from certain connections or relationships, I hope you find your way too. I asked on my Instagram and facebook page how others protect their peace and here were some responses that I got back. Hopefully someone can find this useful. (Blocked out names out of respect!)
Learning how to not care so much about what others think or say
Having a self care routine and making time for yourself
Setting boundaries and having gratitude because everything happens for a reason
By staying home or limiting your time around certain people
When you start to overthink, repeat an affirmation over and over again
I appreciate those that share their thoughts on my Q&A’s and for all of you that read my blog post TONS ♡ I just want to connect with people even if it’s just on a social media level. If I can help, then why not you know? Always take what you need from the blog and leave what you don’t. We’re out here to GROW, LOVE, and BE HAPPY.
Hello from 26 year old you from 2022. Oh god have I missed you! What it would be like to be as innocent and stress free again. You don’t even know it, but you have a whole entire life ahead of you that your tiny little child brain could never even imagine. What you dreamed for yourself at this age is not even close to who you become in your adult life. You dreamed of being a singer and dancer or a veterinarian. Sorry to break it to you, but you are none of those. Anyways, I’m here writing to you because I am currently trying to heal you, this inner child that I still carry around. This inner child that at this age went through multiple events that would change you and end up becoming your traumas.
Did you know that you grew up with some of the biggest technology advancements? You went from hit clips to burning cd’s, you were born right after web browsing became a thing, and the start of social media happened right before you hit middle school. You had that play outside and eat dirt childhood and you also adapted quite well with all the technology advancements happening. It’s so crazy to think about. Did you know you also went through your parent’s divorce? I won’t get into much detail, because we can keep that for ourselves, but you are a strong one. You struggled hard with that one and the struggle went on for years. That tiny child brain that couldn’t imagine her future was able to make her way through somehow.
You are so strong and I’m proud of you. I am working on healing your wounds that will eventually become present much later, but I am working on you. I want you to know that I see you and I hear you. I understand everything. I would love to go back in time and sit there to hug you at what you felt were your hardest moments. We are very much still alike still. We hide so much of our emotions because we don’t want other to see us that way. We still need that person to help with our bottled up emotions, but I’ll be that for you as much as I can. Thank you for giving me a great childhood regardless. By the way, we still love the color pink, we just went through a small phase ♡
Before you go on to read this, I would like to warn that I will be talking about death and cancer. I know those can be hard topics for others to read. This post is for myself. It’s to help process through my grieving and to help recognize my own ways of coping and feelings. There might be some things that I say that seem harsh, but just remember that all of our experiences are different from each others. We can always learn new perspectives and be more open to different lifestyles. This is all raw emotions, read if you can handle without judgement.
October 8: I’ve been feeling so stuck-like since I got the news back in September. My grandpa has cancer and he has months to live. Why do I feel stuck about this? Well I never had a positive relationship with him. Which makes it tricky because I do not know how I feel about how his life is coming to an end soon, but also I feel sad because no one should ever have to deal with cancer and know that they are slowly dying everyday from it.
Growing up I always was scared of my grandpa, he was an alcoholic and chain smoker. He looked mean or mad all the time, he had a tone of voice where it would scare me as if I was in trouble at all times. My grandparents ended up separating and I ended up hearing stories about how he abusive he was and even at a young age of 6 hearing this, I did not doubt it one bit. He had those qualities in him, I knew he had those qualities within him for as long as I can remember. He was and is no role model to me, but a figure that I know not to be. I vaguely remember, but I’m sure I remember visiting him in jail before and being there to pick him up when he got released. I was only in early elementary. I will be really honest and say I don’t have much feelings about hearing about his cancer and I can disassociate myself very well from him. He lived in the same house as me since I was in high school and we didn’t talk to each other at all unless it was absolutely necessary. I grew up around him, ignoring him, that was our relationship. I don’t think I grew up hating him or resenting him, I just grew up not caring. Sounds sad, but it is what is it.
November 23: This is the second time where they said my grandpa doesn’t have much longer before he loses his battle to cancer. I can’t imagine how my mom is feeling and I feel even worse that I can’t be at home to help and to comfort her. It’s hard being away in another state when these things happen. I still feel very stuck. Whenever I think about it I want to cry, but I can never fully cry. I’m sad that his condition is getting worse, but also I don’t feel any personal feelings. For a person who feels a lot of emotions and have empath-like qualities, it’s very strange to feel so distant from this. This is a part of why I’ve been feeling not myself and lost lately. This is bringing out something strange that I’ve never felt before. It’s like I almost feel bad for myself for not feeling more for my grandpa. Is that selfish? Why am I even feeling for myself in the first place?
I have accepted that he’s going to pass, but hearing about how the cancer is taking over, I feel sorry for him. I’ll say it a million times, no one should ever have to experience cancer.
Life’s been hitting different lately.
November 28: Celebrating Thanksgiving was a ride for me personally. It was mentally, physically and emotionally draining from being in my own head. I was so much in my head I started to think that I shouldn’t be allowed to be thankful because that would be selfish of me. Why should I celebrate when someone in my family is slowly passing away? It doesn’t feel right and especially since I can’t be on my mom’s side for it all. Thankfully I was able pulled myself out of that negative mindset and did the best I could. It did make me sad that I wasn’t around my family this year, but being around the families and friends here in Wisconsin helped a bit with that. I’ve taken into consideration that maybe with me being here and not home might be better for me mentally. I’m not dealing or seeing the cancer progress everyday, maybe this is better because I really wouldn’t know how I would be. Even with this, where I don’t know my true feelings or how healthy I’m coping with it, I should never think that I can’t be thankful. Now is the time for me to be thankful for what hasn’t come yet and what is currently the situation. I need to see the positive side of this and not just the negative. I have so much to be thankful for and besides no news is good news at least. This holiday season is going to be a tough one.
December 2 (drunk Sally): I’m not okay. Maybe this is me realizing it, but I’m not doing okay with coping. Too many unresolved feelings that i have no idea to go about. I feel like I’m surrounded by death and I can’t do anything and it’s the truth. I can’t do anything about it and it makes me feel helpless and I want to go numb. Feeling numb to it will stop me from feeling whatever the hell I’m feeling. This is actually really hard on me and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been and still feel lost. No one sees it either, but also I know I’m doing good at making sure no one notices. I really don’t want to explain it to anyone, my confusion and my unknowing of all of this. I really just find a quick time to cry, then go about my day.
January 12: I don’t understand if I have hate for you or if I’ve grown to dislike you as a person or it’s none of that and I hate that this is happening to you. Do I feel bad for you or feel pity? I’m not sure. I don’t understand things still, but it’s not bringing me down as much. What I also don’t understand is how you caused pain, trauma, and hurt to those around you before and continue doing that with your selfish ways still. How can someone live with that? My inner child has hurt in her heart, I know that much. She’s never had the experience of a grandparents love from not only you, but from both grandparents and maybe I feel sad because I know I’ll never get that. I grew up hearing stories from my friends and classmates about how much they love their grandparents and watching movies of warm hugs and sloppy kisses, but me? No where close. I have one happy-like memory of my grandpa. I only remember it because I saw it from a photo or a home video, but I was very young. Maybe under the age of 4 and my grandpa is holding me, I’m sitting in his lap. It must have been my birthday or maybe someone else’s and he’s smiling and looks happy. It looks fine, but all I can see and feel is a scared little child. How did you manage to cause hurt and pain in me too? I want to heal this part of me, I want to save the little girl. What is it that I’m not remembering? I don’t want to live a life like yours. I don’t want to be you, I don’t want to cause hurt.
February 2: Regardless of how I feel, I hope you are at peace and I’m wishing that you find it during these days if you haven’t yet. I couldn’t look at you when I went home and that speaks a lot of volume to me. Whatever is happening during these days I hope it helps you transition to your final days. I hope it eases your pain. There’s no date, but another few weeks. This time, like the others, this is it. Something tells me it might actually be it. It’s hard to be told every few weeks that you only have a little bit of time left, it’s sad. To be told over and over, it’s heartbreaking actually. I’ve had a day today and no chance to express or let out my feelings. I had to continue with life cause it doesn’t stop for those who need it. I’m having a hard time unpacking my feelings now because I had to bottle it up all day today. It’s like it’s been sitting in there for too long and it’s jammed, can’t get the lid off.
March 3: It’s been a harder week than usual. I found out on my trip in Colorado that you only had 24-48 hours left. I had two more days of that trip with friends and I didn’t want bring everyone else down too. I’ll admit it, I cried. I cried because death is sad because I’m sure it wasn’t and hasn’t been easy for you. I got the news of the passing a few days later. I heard the sadness from my mom at 3 am and it broke my heart hearing her so sad. My feelings have been everywhere since. It’s a weird grieving process for me because I don’t think what I feel is the “right” way to feel, but I feel a sense of relief. You aren’t in any pain, you aren’t limited like how you were towards the end. You aren’t suffering anymore. I couldn’t go up to the casket today during the visitation, I’m not sure why and I’m okay with not knowing. Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try to figure out my feelings again.
March 8: It’s been a few days since all the funeral ceremonies. It’s been a ride. I cried yesterday to unpack all the feeling that has cone with the last 6 months. It was relieving to let it all out. The stress, the pain, the anger, the sadness, the relief, all of it. From what I’ve gotten from all of this is there were some unresolved feelings that I have and they will honestly stay unresolved and I have to be okay with that. If I can take what I watched, heard, and learned from you and apply or not apply it to the rest of my life then you played your part in my life. Sometimes we have to have good role models and bad role models, it is what it is. One more uplifting thing that came from all of this is that I got to see and catch up with some of my younger cousins that I haven’t seen in over 13 years. Good things do come from bad things. What matters most is, you’re now at peace and we can all take this with us and move on.
I’ve watched cancer take away a very close family friend before, I’ve seen cancer at it’s worst and what it can do to a person mentally and physically. I’ve seen cancer play tricks, where the person will have one good week followed by the worst week. This is now a second person in my life to have passed from it and during the holidays. Those that have lost someone from cancer, you are not alone. It’s okay to feel the way you do, it’s okay to not be okay. It’s also okay not to know how you feel. The only thing you can do is to take your memories and learn from them. Hold those around you close and let them know you love them. Life is short and we all just have to make the best of it. Hold the memories of those who passed close to you and pass those good memories on to others. Regardless of how my experience was compared to yours, my inbox is always open for those in need.
What a time to be me. In a positive way, what a time to be me. I get to step into this unknown territory, this unknown area, an unknown place with these unknown feelings. I get to choose, feel, think, and speak for myself and only myself. I get to choose for myself without having to worry about putting someone else’s responsibilities first. I can finally put myself first.
It’s very new to me. I can’t think of a time where I was able to put myself first — like ever. That’s crazy right? I’ve put others before me — what feels like my entire life. Not anymore. So how does that make me feel? Honestly, it doesn’t feel right, it feels very off. I feel very selfish and somewhat empty. I felt fulfilled by being needed by others even if it drained me or held me back from what I could actually achieve. But hey, at least they still needed me, I am that much. I’m learning to understand that I am much more than that, but I also can be that person for others still. I’m learning to understand that I can put myself first and still take care of others, I just had my priorities backwards. It’s whats making this such a new territory for me. I had it wrong all along and I’m okay with admitting to that.
Who was I to be working three jobs to support not only myself, but three other people who were very much capable of taking care of themselves? Who was I to feel like such a disappointment when I couldn’t help pay bills for someone that made more than me with their one job verses my three? Who was I to feel like a failure for dropping out of school because people were throwing their responsibilities on me and I had no choice, but to take it all on? I can’t help but to feel rage and anger because it felt like I had no other choice. I also don’t want to hold onto those feelings because it’s so heavy and it’s so tiring to hold that hurt in your heart. I want to forgive.
Truth be told, I can finally think of goals for myself and actually work towards them. Before, I would come up with a goal, but I would always fail because I wasn’t my own first priority. I constantly failed at things because I put others before me and I let that eat me up. Eat me up to a point where I gave up on dreams and goals and adjusted living my life around everyone else’s schedules. I’m not entirely mad about it because I learned the lessons that came with, but it makes me sad to look back on sometimes. I poured my heart out and into everyone around me and left nothing for myself. Truth be told, even though I’m happy that I get to move forward and it’s exciting to see myself take these little steps, I have no idea what I’m doing. When you are so focused on others around you, you forget about yourself. I always knew how I wanted to end up in life, but I was never able to think about the details of how I would get there. It was like okay I’m at point A, I need to get to point C, but never thought of point B.
I know I have a lot of work to put forward and to put in. I know before I can fully enjoy what’s ahead of me, I have to learn to let this all stay behind me. Even though I felt a sense of fulfillment before, I have to unlearn it and go through this confusing emptiness. I have to be very cautious in what I do until I actually know what to do. Last thing I want is seeing myself fall into old ways again. This is the truth, this is my truth, this is me.
It’s the new year, so what are my goals or new year resolutions? Well this year I’m not going to make any. Not that I don’t have any, but don’t you guys ever get stuck with a list that never gets finished or your goals change? In my 26 years of life, I know whatever list I make now will not be what I accomplish later. I’m more of a do as you go type of person. So here is all that I wish for me and for you. Take what you need and leave what you don’t.
I wish for your happiness and peace. I wish you heal the things that you do not speak or know. I wish for the growth and lessons that will push you to be a better person. I wish for the love that will forever stay with you. I wish you will take the bad days and remember that it’s just a bad day and that you don’t take all the good days for granted. I hope that you love yourself more and you do more for yourself. Whatever you’ve been trying to chase to fill that empty feeling, I hope you catch it and it lights a light in your soul that never goes out again. For all the tears that you cried in 2021, you don’t meet them again. I hope you remember to take more photos or videos. I wish for good health and wellness. That every person you come across is as genuine as you. You’ll get the break you need this year to sit down and absorb all that you have done and to relax. I wish you the best in your business plans because I know you’re capable and I know you have it in you. All your creative thoughts get brought to life this year. I hope you do take some things from last year and you keep working on them. Those are not achieved in just a year, it’s something you have to constantly work on for the rest of your life. That you do not forget who you are as a person. All the built up anger, I don’t want you to just let go of it and forgive, I want it to fuel the passion of making yourself better. Use it in a good way and not as a flamethrower and use it to burn others in words. You know what? Settle in already, push your pride aside and accept what has been waiting for you. You could’ve had more good and balance if you were more open to accepting help. It’s okay to get help, you need other people, we all need people. I wish something clicks in you and you stop living on survival mode, you made it, you can rest. Let someone else take care of you for once. I wish you get the nurture you give to others and you accept it without feeling weak and if you end up feeling that way then you allow yourself to be okay with that. All the battles you have within are put to an end. I wish you live life for what it is and that you continue to do that. Love every little thing in the world more including yourself. ♡
Forgiveness isn’t for the one you’re forgiving, it’s for you.
The Good Doctor
You think you know everything until you become an adult and realize that you actually don’t know shit. You think things will be easy, but then you start to feel emotions that you’ve never felt before. Everything hits you harder and has a deeper meaning bringing up childhood traumas and resentful feelings that you never knew you had. The only way to overcome them is to truly forgive.
Forgiveness isn’t for the one you’re forgiving, it’s for you. Forgiving means to be at peace with it, within yourself. You can forgive a person all you want, but if you’re not at peace with it does it really matter? Does that even count as forgiveness or is it just half ass? You can be at peace with someone and avoid them, but you can’t avoid yourself. We carry around our emotions everywhere whether we like it or not. Forgiving people is not just for the other person(s), but for yourself.
It will take time and effort to forgive and to feel at peace, but once you do it’ll be worth so much and more. You need to run through the emotions in order to get there. You need to let your ego, pride, and anger go to let it take you through. Seems crazy, but to forgive you actually have to open yourself up even more. Forgiving is so vulnerable.
I hope that everyone (including myself) can open up and forgive whomever or whatever. Not only will we forgive them, but also forgive ourselves in the process. We’re adults, it’s time to heal in the most healthy ways. ♡
SALLY♡THINGS 