Proud of Myself – Page 2

2022.

It’s the new year, so what are my goals or new year resolutions? Well this year I’m not going to make any. Not that I don’t have any, but don’t you guys ever get stuck with a list that never gets finished or your goals change? In my 26 years of life, I know whatever list I make now will not be what I accomplish later. I’m more of a do as you go type of person. So here is all that I wish for me and for you. Take what you need and leave what you don’t.

I wish for your happiness and peace. I wish you heal the things that you do not speak or know. I wish for the growth and lessons that will push you to be a better person. I wish for the love that will forever stay with you. I wish you will take the bad days and remember that it’s just a bad day and that you don’t take all the good days for granted. I hope that you love yourself more and you do more for yourself. Whatever you’ve been trying to chase to fill that empty feeling, I hope you catch it and it lights a light in your soul that never goes out again. For all the tears that you cried in 2021, you don’t meet them again. I hope you remember to take more photos or videos. I wish for good health and wellness. That every person you come across is as genuine as you. You’ll get the break you need this year to sit down and absorb all that you have done and to relax. I wish you the best in your business plans because I know you’re capable and I know you have it in you. All your creative thoughts get brought to life this year. I hope you do take some things from last year and you keep working on them. Those are not achieved in just a year, it’s something you have to constantly work on for the rest of your life. That you do not forget who you are as a person. All the built up anger, I don’t want you to just let go of it and forgive, I want it to fuel the passion of making yourself better. Use it in a good way and not as a flamethrower and use it to burn others in words.
You know what? Settle in already, push your pride aside and accept what has been waiting for you. You could’ve had more good and balance if you were more open to accepting help. It’s okay to get help, you need other people, we all need people. I wish something clicks in you and you stop living on survival mode, you made it, you can rest. Let someone else take care of you for once. I wish you get the nurture you give to others and you accept it without feeling weak and if you end up feeling that way then you allow yourself to be okay with that. All the battles you have within are put to an end. I wish you live life for what it is and that you continue to do that. Love every little thing in the world more including yourself. ♡

Make your words matter this year.

For The Both Of Us.

If I had the opportunity to go back into time, I would go back to you and hug you for the both of us. Lord knows you were going to need it and I know I need it now. We’re the same person, but in such two different realities. I need it for the strength, for the encouragement, to appreciate how far I’ve come and because I miss that twinkle in my eye. You need it for the moment, for what’s to come, for who you are, and also for the strength. I wouldn’t go back and say sorry or try to change anything. Not because I think it was meant to happen, but because I don’t know any of the what if’s and I’d rather not try to think about it. It would be maddening either way and in every other different way anyways.

For the both of us, I would go back in time, enjoy that moment with you, remember what it was like and hug you. That hug would have been everything to you because that hug was what I needed and was looking for and felt like I never got. So I would go back in time to hug you for the both of us. The twinkle wasn’t based on truth, but love and I miss that. Sometimes they are hand in hands and other times they aren’t. Balancing them when they aren’t isn’t the easiest, but you got here. You got me here, I’m here.
“Without you I can’t be, you’re the universe to me. You’re the air in my lungs, you’re the fields where I run, you’re the sky where I’m floating.“

Seven Lions at Electric Forest 2019 | June 30, 2019 11:41 PM

Dear March.

It was pretty until it wasn’t. It snows and then a false spring comes. It’s hard to tell what you’ll get within this month.
Just go for it. Just go. The way things were said was like it was coming straight out of a fairytale. The way I felt, the way the night went, it was a fairytale. I know now that it was coming from a problem or guilt, but also hope and the heart. It gave me hope. I gave me more than hope, blind hope, but it was so perfect. Do I want to ruin this memory or will I remember it as how I did before? Was it a cry of truth or was it innocently true? Sometimes it’s hard to see everything as how I saw them in the moment.
It was a start of something that needed to happen. The good and bad, everything needed to be said and out. I spoke as I was holding back every emotion known to man. I spoke. That’s such a huge thing for me. I cried tears and a lot of them. I remember waking up one morning and I didn’t have time to open my eyes yet and I cried. This was truly the start of everything. It hurt, I was hurt, but it was needed. It was part of what I needed. Healing is so messy. Healing hurts so much until it doesn’t anymore.
What a change. I can’t believe it myself looking back. The thing you said that night, yeah it happened. Was it a cry? I still don’t know, but I don’t think I want to know the truth. The progress of each brings me tears if I think about it. To go through such high highs and straight to the lowest lows, it made it.

Dear March, tell me that there’s light at the end of all this starless night.

SALLY ♡ T

Dear January.

You are always so cold, but somehow always filled with warmth and love. The start of a new year and the celebration of making it through another. Everyone thinks you’re a new chapter, but really you’re just a continuation. People count on you to be the new chapter, but it really starts with them to write that.
Adventure comes to mind when I think of you. The first January was the first adventure. It was so perfect, not a thing could or can ruin all those moments. Pure joy and happiness, nothing was questionable. My favorite of them all, the one that only really exists in my head. The last of the daydream.
The second January was a slow warming, if that warming was of a lit match. Trying to put together what was broken and not understood. Figuring out exactly what you need to get through the day, but running to an escape instead. The bottles were warm though. The feeling you had missed and lost. It was temporary and numbing, but it made anything confusing go away. A quick break to breathe. You threw love everywhere, not sure if it even belongs there and then went to the bottles with the same energy.
The third January was full, a more at peace feeling. Seeing actual waves and not the ones that mentally take you in and drown you. In a beautiful place where you don’t need to wait for any unknowns because now you are the unknown. A real reality that you could actually grasp. The understanding isn’t fully there, but you have a better idea of it than before. Something you can let go of at times without a lingering. You keep more to yourself because it’s only right. Protecting yourself, but in a healthy way. Working on recovery on problems you all created.

Dear January, please don’t let me fall. Stay cold, but give us your warmth. Please continue to let the patience of love wait on my drunk heart.

SALLY ♡ T

Dignity. (drunk thoughts)

I am the person to make sure they go down with dignity. I did stop feeling that strength after a while. Dignity or not, I will be for what I feel is right to me, no matter what. I have nothing to prove to anyone, but me. That is true dignity, even though others don’t see it that way, I will always believe in myself.

I won’t lie, I’ve been crushed multiple time where I didn’t feel that way. I lost my strength completely. Not know how it would end. A song someone sings for the dead. I have accept that as well believe it or not. You may call me dramatic, but honestly it is what it is, but I am way better now. Please don’t worry. Please just look after your friends. Life is too short sometimes.

Cherish every moment, every lesson, everything. Confusing to sad, to happy. Cherish it all.

I have no recollection of me writing this at all this night and that’s really crazy to me. I said what I said though. I’m really proud of myself and that’s all I can say. I also know that drunk Sally can be really dramatic, like those dramas where someone gets shoved and they take 5 mins acting out the falling. I do want everyone to know that I am doing just fine and there’s no need for concern, even though it sounds that way. I can just get very dramatic sometimes. ☺

Confident and Comfortable: Eczema

If you didn’t go to school with me or know me before high school (2009), you probably wouldn’t even have guessed that I had and dealt with severe eczema. My skin is pretty clear now and I get a pimple or two once every few months, but it wasn’t like that before and the confidence that I have now would not exists without my eczema. I just wanted to say I am PROUD of my younger self and take a little time to appreciate this “horrendous” period of my life.

I actually first started noticing my eczema when I was in 3rd grade (2003) and it wasn’t a huge deal, but it just got worse and worse very quickly. To the point where the eczema would scab over and if I scratched myself or it got caught on my clothes, I would bleed. It spread over my entire body too, behind the knees, on my legs, my elbows, my stomach, including my face. My cheeks and nose especially. The button on my jeans would cause me to break out, so I would have to tape a piece of tissue or something to cover it. I brought extra shirts to change into at school because the eczema scabs would get caught on my shirt and bleed through. Then for my face, I had glasses that would rub on my nose and cheeks. Having a flat nose bridge and big cheeks did not me out at all. It seemed like nothing would help for the longest time.

I remember in elementary, we would go to the school pool as a class for swimming lessons and the eczema on my stomach was so bad that I had a coverup skirt and wore it the entire time. One time a classmate saw my stomach while I was putting the skirt on and she seemed disgusted. The swimming teacher tried convincing me that I didn’t need the cover up and when I took it off, she told me that I should just put it back on. My eczema would burn the first few seconds of getting into the chlorine pool water.

Through out middle school and some of high school, my cheeks and nose were red 24/7 even when the eczema rash itself was gone. The nickname I had was Rudolph the red nose reindeer and honestly I hated it, became very insecure and use to cry about it sometimes. I wanted to cover it up with makeup so bad, but I knew that it would irritate it even more. None of the steroid creams or medications that was prescribed helped enough to get rid of it. I was pretty much just stuck with it.

Younger self Sally was just as stubborn as I am now and I just pushed through the teasing and didn’t let it show (for the most part) that it bothered me. Along the way I started to accept my condition and started planting this little seed of confidence inside. I somehow found a way to love myself and the scabbed eczema skin. I actually started to forget about it and I don’t even remember when it went away or how, but it was sometime during sophomore or junior year. I was left with scars on my stomach (that faded away over the next 3 years) and my face is forever red, but I don’t look at myself any less. I just appreciate my strength at such a young age and how I dealt with it because of how emotional I am. I don’t think I could deal with it as strong now if it were to come back.

I still get eczema on my stomach or sides during super dry winters or if I wear certain metals for jewelry, belts or rave pieces. It actually has gotten worse now though, my eczema comes back and I get hives as well, but I do avoid those pieces at all cost. I can definitely say that without going through all of that, I would not be so confident and comfortable with how and who I am today. So thank you little Rudolph, you kicked ass ♡