Tag: Life

Biggest Challenges of 2020: By Myself.

It is now December, for me the month of reflection. I usually try to do monthly reflections so I can pin point an area that I still want to work on for the next month, but with this year all of that went to trash. It was all over the place and no month was ever the same. 2020 has opened myself up to my own self about things I’ve never paid attention about or thought was a problem. 2020 has challenged me in many different ways in every aspect of my life. Really, 2020 got me f u c k e d u p. Just kidding, 2020 has brought what I needed heal about myself in plain sight and it’s a lot more than you think. You guessed it, a new series. Welcome to Biggest Challenges of 2020.

BY MYSELF.
Surprise! I do terrible being by myself or alone. I actually don’t like too much me time or doing things by myself. It’s the weirdest thing because I do consider myself as a pretty independent person. I’ll do what I need to do by myself, but I would much rather have some sort of company with me. I’ve been trying so hard this year with getting more comfortable with being alone by myself and trying to learn how to enjoy my own company. I grew up with three siblings and basically all my nieces, so yeah there was never a time where I was truly by myself. Not until a few years ago, but around then I still had Koko with me.

Living in a pandemic, where you should stay home – yeah, not ideal for someone who feels the same as me. I still find myself adjusting to not having my little Koko around me and I lost her almost two years ago. She didn’t need me as much as I needed her. (another story, another time) I get too much into my head, so having others around even if it’s just my brother’s cat napping next to me. It gets me out of my head. It’s like I’m a codependent-independent person and those two people/personalities don’t mix very well. I would like to be able to go to places by myself without having to talk myself into going. Just decide where and when, get up, get ready, and go.

I’ve been challenging myself to stay home and kind of forcing myself to being alone for two weeks now, but you know, you have your good days and your bad ones. This is probably the one of the hardest things that I’ve tried to achieve yet. Thankfully I do have the support of loved ones, friends, and my therapist. Although any other advice on how to feel more comfortable with your own company is highly and hugely appreciated. ♡ I have a feeling that this one will be something that will be a little harder to overcome.

SALLY ♡ T

Dignity. (drunk thoughts)

I am the person to make sure they go down with dignity. I did stop feeling that strength after a while. Dignity or not, I will be for what I feel is right to me, no matter what. I have nothing to prove to anyone, but me. That is true dignity, even though others don’t see it that way, I will always believe in myself.

I won’t lie, I’ve been crushed multiple time where I didn’t feel that way. I lost my strength completely. Not know how it would end. A song someone sings for the dead. I have accept that as well believe it or not. You may call me dramatic, but honestly it is what it is, but I am way better now. Please don’t worry. Please just look after your friends. Life is too short sometimes.

Cherish every moment, every lesson, everything. Confusing to sad, to happy. Cherish it all.

I have no recollection of me writing this at all this night and that’s really crazy to me. I said what I said though. I’m really proud of myself and that’s all I can say. I also know that drunk Sally can be really dramatic, like those dramas where someone gets shoved and they take 5 mins acting out the falling. I do want everyone to know that I am doing just fine and there’s no need for concern, even though it sounds that way. I can just get very dramatic sometimes. ☺

If You Release The Past.

“If you release the past, you’ll move ahead and bloom at last. The heart grows and it knows you can glow.”

Gobi, Over the Moon

Whatever it is that you’re holding onto, I hope you’re not letting it hold onto you. Read it again. Whatever it is that you’re holding onto, I hope you can live on without it. Believe that you can. Whatever you’re holding onto, I hope you can move on from it. Let it go, you can. The time will come and your shoulders will be a little less tense and the pressure of the weight will lift, until then just keep going. You’ve made it this far already, you can make it more.

Some things just never feel fair and I’ll never understand why certain things have to happen. Maybe that’s the problem for me, I keep trying to understand the why and not just letting it go. I can recognize and acknowledge it, but how do I actually apply it and live it? I feel myself thinking, wondering, writing this over and over again. I can see the future without it, I can remember the past of it, but I just don’t know what to do with the present of it.

I’ve been told that my post have been relatable and has actually helped or brought some clarity and I’m happy that it has for those people. That’s one of the reasons why I started this blog. I hope as it has for you, that maybe one day it will for me. It’s so strange, but comforting at the same time.

Remember every moment we have is a chance for something new. Not every moment is the same, so allow it to come to you.

SALLY ♡ T

“My needs are just as important. It’s okay to say no.”

-A Daily Self Reminder

Drunk Thoughts: New Series.

So I’m going to do this series on my blog called ‘Drunk Thoughts’ every few months or whenever I feel like it. I’ll talk about whatever comes to mind, after drinking and probably listening to music while I type. Be prepared for spelling mistakes, non complete sentences, random shit, you know the deal. Welcome into my sad boi hour head and straight into my big ass, emotional cancer sign ass heart. ♡ I wanted to be real with ya’ll, so wtf not? AND it helps me direct my emotions somewhere, perfect. You can laugh at me, while I try to find peace within, everyone wins. This is how I am in real life anyways, I never was trying to make this blog something I wasn’t. I drink, this is me.

So I drank two mugs full of mimosas that were 80% champagne and played my spotify playlist, which just happens to be the Chilombo (Deluxe) album by my girl Jhene Aiko. Starting mid way at Born Tired, which is one of my favorite songs on the album. I just chugged the last half of my cup after the first intro paragraph. So here we go.
Currently, in my life I’m doing good. I’m relaxed, not stressed, enjoying less work. Earlier this year I was probably in the worst mental state that I have ever been, so for me to be where I’m at now, i’m really happy and proud. I can feel myself healing. I know it might sound weird, but I can feel everything just getting better. Things are starting to click like they were before. It’s not so much self love because that never left me, but being able to accept and forgive or at least acknowledge it and not letting it sadden me like before. “Even with void, I choose to fill it with joy” <- Jhene just sang that and i’m living for it. To more joy that’s to come.
Honestly, I’m scared how things will be once my job fully opens back up. I was working crazy hours being a manager and that fucked me up mentally along with what was happening in my personal life. I don’t want to go backwards from where i’m at now. So dreading how things will be is an understatement, but I am working on it and getting myself out of that. I just have to deal with it a little longer, but I’ll stand my ground more and do whats right for me.
I sacrificed myself and some parts of my life when accepting this manager position for a bigger picture. I said I’ll just work hard so I can get to point b quicker. I did what I had to do for this bigger picture, but I lost myself from it and allowed the consequences of it take over. Did I recover? Yes, but for myself still working on it. Would I do it again? No, fuck ass no. I love myself and will never want to be in that mental state ever again. I was actually abusing alcohol at the time and I really fell into a dark hole. Of course me being prideful, I didn’t want people to know I was actually screaming for help with every drink I drank. I pulled myself out of that and i’m no longer drinking to fill anything. I’m pretty fucking proud, but this is the only place you will hear about it, because i’m still too prideful to share, but I should acknowledge my strength. I did it. I don’t want sympathy, empathy or anyone to bring it up because it still reminds me of the pain, but just know i’m okay now. I’m doing fine, i’m happy and still working on myself.

“It ain’t perfect, but everything’s beautiful, beautiful now. Maybe I’m the miracle, waiting for the miracle.”
SALLY ♡ T

CHEERS TO 25.

CHEERS! I am now a quarter of a century old. I literally came down from the top of the world to turn 25. It’s crazy how old I am and still get asked if i’m a minor, just blessed I guess. I won’t complain about it when older, but until then… YES I PROMISE THIS IS NOT A FAKE ID!

I am no where near where I thought I would be at, but I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m in no rush to grow up and I’m pretty much just living my life the best I can. I just hope it stays like this a little longer. I’m in that ‘I can go anywhere to travel whenever I want’ phase in my life and it’s been such a dream. I also have the best group of friends and love them so much. They set up a charcuterie picnic for my birthday and it was perfect, not even covid could ruin it. ♡

CHEERS TO 25 AND THIS BEAUTIFUL LIFE OF MINE, xoxo
SALLY ♡ T

QUARANTINE: How it helped me.

Can I just start with a WTF IS HAPPENING 2020? I really had a rough 2019, so I was excited to walk into a new year and leave all the shit behind, but then things just got crazy in a different way. I was already feeling lost before the quarantine and overwhelmed with work and trying to have a social life.

Quarantine was kind of rough for me to adjust too in the beginning. I actually felt a little more overwhelmed and lost because of all of the restrictions. I’m use to working a lot and my life just being busy all the time with my job, my relationship and with friends. Working 60 hours a week and having a social life is tough. I think I was only getting 4-6 hours of sleep a night. Going from constantly busy to not having any work and not being to able to hang out with friends was a drastic change for me. I didn’t know what to do with all that free time that I was given and my hobbies are going out and doing non essential things. With nothing being opened and outdoor things closing and opening back up randomly, I felt like there wasn’t much to do. I pretty much had that winter seasonal depression feeling.
Things are better now and I ended up making this blog to occupy my time. Some things I’ve learned from quarantine is how much I appreciate my friends and being able to hang out with them in person. Another is how much I love being outdoors and how little I did outdoor things. Because I worked so much before, I didn’t have time to go on walks, hikes, or even to a beach. So being able to do that again was refreshing. Having outdoor picnics, getting takeout foods from new restaurants and taking little outdoor walks really helped get rid of those negative feelings. There’s still tons of things changing as the states start to open back up, but i’m adjusting to it a lot better than before. Even though, this had some negative impacts on parts of my life it has bought me some time to figure out how live like a normal person again. When things start coming back close to regular life, I know how to keep myself happy and not overwhelmed and hating my life.
A lot of events that I was planning on going too got cancelled, but it just give me room to plans more adventurous, outdoorsy ones. I can’t wait for summer to go into full effect.