I sit here and find myself in a familiar place. A place where it feels embarrassing to admit that I’m back at again. A place where I have been trying to deny that I’m back in. A place where it breaks you before it makes you. A familiar place, a pretty vulnerable place. Healing alone.
Healing alone is an awful feeling and one of the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It will force you to sit with your grief and to feel it. A place I’m a little too familiar with. Healing alone is healing without using other people or things to fill a void inside of yourself, going out every weekend, healing without using distractions and doing anything to prevent yourself to sit in your grief and think about it. It’s an awful feeling. A place I’m a little too familiar with.
While I spend my time in this familiar place, I’ll give myself the grace that I need. I’ll sit with the grief once again and I’ll still look for all the happiness and love that I gained before the last. I’ll sit here wishing that all my love given is still making someone feel loved. That the right people know that I will always see them as they are and for who they are. The love I gave is for them to keep and theirs, for me. Saying goodbye never gets any easier and finding yourself in this familiar place doesn’t get easier either. I guess I’m back at the first steps again.
For however long it takes for me here, I welcome anyone else that finds their way in this familiar place. I’ll sit here and heal alone – with you.
I probably have typed about this in the few blogs I wrote before, but never finished. Fair warning, be prepared to read a little more of this in other blogs if they ever get posted. So far it’s the only thing that comes to my mind when I try to sit down to blog, so it’s something that needs to get out and hopefully after I can blog about other things. I feel like a broken record sometimes. I blog a lot about healing and my journey, it’s all I know right now. It is currently what’s going on in my life. Then and now. I wouldn’t quite call this a drunk thoughts blog, but I did have a good chug of some strawberry sake. Just a bit to loosen up and be not so in my head about sharing this. I actually find it hard to share this side of me because it feels super and very vulnerable of me. Maybe a part of me feels embarrassed, maybe because it still gets me in my feels or that I haven’t yet fully processed it. It’s hard for me to express because I simply do not know where I’m quite at with it all. Whatever it is, here I try to go.
These summer months, I have really compared my current self to my 2023 self. If I could describe myself this summer it would be: confident, strong, happy, healing, thriving, joyful, sober, living life to the fullest, a normal person. If I were to describe summer Sally 2023 it would be: sad, but grateful, stressed, alcohol driven, burnt out, lost, fun, goal driven, and hurt. What two very different and confusing versions of me.
A word that best described me then is lost. A word that best describes me now is healing, but of course I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for that lost version of me. Looking back I’m actually very grateful for that part of my life (not the problems, but the lessons) and very proud of how I managed, even though I was very hurt. I sat with myself every day and I listened to my cries, I listened to my thoughts, I felt the hurt. I sat with every emotion and let them take their turn. I sat with all my doubts and gave them the time they needed. I sat there and cried out every tear in my body almost every night until there was nothing left. Some people might think it’s pretty pathetic, but it was what I needed to do for me. That was my way of trying to comfort myself. I gave myself that safe space. Now, I still have that safe space, but it’s more for the appreciation of my happiness, celebration of small steps on my healing and the new self love that I have for myself. I won’t say I’m completely on the other side, but it’s definitely a positive path.
I did something that I never thought or saw myself doing and that was to stop engaging and going silent. I let go of any hope and expectation, I let go completely. That’s such a hard thing to do. To let things go free and to let things come to or go from you. I ignored and pushed everything away as much as I could until I realized that it was something that was trying to come to me. I really crawled into my own little shell and if you weren’t someone I saw in my daily life, I unfortunately didn’t reach out to or interacted with for a bit. My social battery was fighting so hard, but my emotional side won. I’m a person who tries to act fine when I’m not, but in reality my emotions literally leak out of my pores and you can tell how I am through my body language and facial expressions. I pulled away for a bit so people didn’t have to see that side of me, ask me anything and I didn’t have to keep pretending. I’m sorry to my friends and family for that and I’m also very thankful that everyone understood that I needed some space. I put myself first and really focused on nothing, but myself and moving forward. One positive that did come out of it was my decision on schooling. Now, because of then, I still am continuing my education and I feel more comfortable with being truly vulnerable in front of others even if I feel stupid. It is not a burden. Now, I can thank the ‘then me’ and comfort any part of her that I still have left with the ‘now me’.
One thing that I learned from this and in my therapy sessions are to acknowledge all these different parts of me, listen to what they need to say, validate them and thank them. Practicing this has helped build a better relationship within myself with myself. Practicing this has allowed to me forgive myself, love all the different parts of myself, remember my worth, remember what I deserve, growth, healing, forgiving others and most importantly not to hurt others because of my own hurt. One day, I’ll be at the end with the rainbows and unicorns or in my case, a room filled with anything and everything Hello Kitty.
This was really building up in my head and I tried to avoid blogging more on it, but I guess I still have a lot to say. If you are still reading this, thank you. Sending lots of love out.Then and Now. ♡
“Hopin’ to keep the rest of my friends. Prayin’ the 20 somethings don’t kill me, kill me.” “Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love, only know fear. That’s me, Ms. 20 something.“
A year since I’ve posted a drunk thoughts post. Ya’ll see I don’t be getting drunk on my own as much anymore or at all actually. I don’t drink when I’m at my house or even by myself. That’s PROGRESS. A whole year of working on myself and still working on myself. What a fucking journey it’s been. It’s been wild. Let me tell you, WILD. So much to keep quiet on because I just want everything to be over. I’m drained. I’m tired, exhausted. I get pulled into toxic cycles over and over again. I’ve been getting myself stuck with people who have manipulative behaviors and in their cycles over and over. I’m literally praying my 20 something don’t kill me because I don’t know If i’m going to make it out alive anymore. It’s going to take me and eat me alive.
I’m trying to grow, heal and still love, but that gets taken, taken ,taken. I have a big heart and I love to love and I love to care and I am the type of person to just always have feelings, but clearly that’s being taken for granted and advantage of over and over and over again. What’s suppose to be one of the greatest quality a person can have is also the most taken advantage of. Why do people just take and take and take? I honestly wish I could be exactly like them and do the same. Let me take from you now. then throw you away until I need you next. ugh, disgusting. Personal problem? hell yeah. I’ve been keeping quiet for so long, but for what? To try to save someone’s else character because I loved them before? If I were to literally write a tell all book like celebrities, I feel like my shit would be more interesting that most of the others. The shit I have been put through has beeen WILD. I have stayed quiet to try to forget and move on, but then some shit happens and I notice I’m still taken advantage of because I’m not saying anything. I just want to love and keep loving and not become cold. I want to heal, I want to move on, I want to grow. I want to be left alone. This is the most vulnerable that I can be on here.
Everyone just leave me alone from my past. I loved someone who could not love me the right way and we left it. so, YOU, leave it too. Everyone leave it.
These two months were quite hard on me, but here I am. Still here, still standing, still living, still loving, still going. Physically exhausted, mentally stronger and overall more kind and gentle to myself. ♡
September 2, 2023
Let them.
Let them try to ruin you and your day.
You know you haven’t played in any fire lately.
They are doing it out of their own insecurities about you anyways.
– sally.things
September 10, 2023
“Listen before I go.”
– sally.things
September 16, 2023
Once you let go, you let go over and over and over again.
You let them go when you go to the grocery store and don’t buy their favorite snack. You let go of them when you eat at your guys’ favorite restaurant and decide to order something different. You let them go again when you do things out of your normal routine that involved them.
You’ll be letting them go in many different ways, in many different places and a million different times.
– sally.things
October 8, 2023
Keep on laughing, smiling and finding little joys in things.
The little things will eventually become big and you’ll forget about all the worries of the past.
Love life in the present.
– sally.things
October 12, 2023
I deserved a kinder goodbye. One that wasn’t ruined by deceit.
One that didn’t get competed against or used for someone else’s needs.
One that wasn’t used by another and rubbed in my face.
I deserved a goodbye that was only meant for you and me.
– sally.things
October 24, 2023
I’m dancing with all my emotions and giving each and every one of them their time to shine.
We’ll dance until we can’t dance anymore.
Love, sadness, grief, gratitude, heartache, happiness, and more.
Sometimes quick little mini writings come easier than writing a whole blog. Sometimes I don’t have the time to pull out my laptop and write what I’m feeling or if I don’t write it right away I’ll forget or second guess on sharing. Every mini writing expresses me and how I felt at that moment and the photos will have something significant to them. There’s a lot more meaning to me, but it might seem like nothing to others which is fine too. You can find these on my Instagram @Sally.Things stories/highlights. Now here’s what you might have missed ♡
July 17, 2023
I’m still human. I still have a lot of emotions.
I’m very much going through it. I mean it just really started.
May this photo remind me and help through the waves of sadness.
– sally.things
July 24, 2023
Even though it hurts, I’m still going to continue to sit here and choose myself.
Choose the love I deserve.
– sally.things
August 3, 2023
I try my best to move on and go about my day and life/future.
It gets hard on some days, but I know it won’t last forever
Keep going.
– sally.things
August 9, 2023
One of these days I’m going to heal through my words.
Until then, all I can do is write it all out in hopes that it’s helping someone else out instead.
I’m constantly reading, rereading and rereading.
– sally.things.
P.s. I’m going to choose to remember this as the last. It was beautiful.
August 13, 2023
Super excited that I’m actually able to continue with my life plans. It didn’t work out last year which was my original plan, but I guess things happen for a reason.
The future I was planning for will still happen and I’m still going to go that route, except it’s going to be just for me. The support and excitement will always be with me though.
– sally.things
August 22, 2023
“I wish that you could see how much you mean to other people in their lives like how you see how much people mean in yours.”
Somewhere along the way, I lost my sight of that. I wish that one day I can see that again too.
– sally.things
August 28, 2023
For every push, there’s been a bigger pull.
For every pull, there’s been very little pushing away.
Tell me what am I suppose to do?
– sally.things
Follow my Instagram for more or come and visit the end of October/beginning of November to see more ♡
Am I crazy? Slightly. Did you read that right? Yes. I decided to go back to college this semester at the age of 28. The last time I had classes was back in 2014/2015, so 8-9 years ago. Life got in the way and I really wasn’t ready back then. I’ve been wanting to go back, but timing wasn’t right or it didn’t feel right to me. How I feel about something is very important for me. This time around, things fell into place and I was able to sign up and get back into it. I’m happy that I’m back in school and excited to see what’s to come from it.
So what’s it like to be back? While it feels like I haven’t left and majority of things look the same, many things have actually changed. My professors from back then are still here, but they have aged. It’s weird cause I feel like I went time traveling to the future. The student IDs are different colors and now have more use for things, I got mine replaced to the new one and the person taking my picture said, “Wow, welcome back it must be a while for you. I haven’t seen the all blue IDs in a while.” How embarrassing that was LOL. The parking student rates have gone up and boy does that make me sad, but happy cause I’m only on campus 2 times a week. I also just feel sooo old in my classes. Majority of my peers are 18-20. I’ve interacted with some classmates in group projects and we’ll get to know each other with little questions and they all get so shocked when I tell them my age. It’s always the same reaction too, “No way! You look so good and young for 28!” Thank you for that compliment though, I’m starting to appreciate it more. ♡ I’m also meeting others who are older than me, that are coming back to school just like me. Having that in common has been very motivating for me and reminds me to not be too hard on myself for starting over again.
How are you feeling about it all? Well it’s been very emotional for me for sure. It’s been 3 weeks already and on the first day I was 15 mins late and I skipped one class lecture already. The enrollment period before was pretty stressful for me already. It’s been a while since I’ve been in school, so some of my credits that I earned when I first went no longer exists. I have to pretty much take some of same classes over again to get the credit again, which sucks. School was a hard topic for me to talk about before and even now at times because of how my first year went. It wasn’t ideal and I didn’t feel supported back then. Those feelings come through still from time to time and I can get very discouraged and less motivated. Have I already thought of dropping out? YES, plenty of times already. I did have someone who was my #1 supporter and they helped me talk about and through my worries about school, someone who was always there for me. I ended up starting this semester without them. It’s heartbreaking to lose someone who was so proud and believed in you and I’m still trying to adjust with that. Besides those feels, mainly I’ve been excited and motivated. I am proud of myself for taking this step again and trying again. I’m happy with my decision of going back and ready to see what’s to come with it. I’m happy that I get the opportunity to change up my daily routine and change my environment. It’s something that I needed to do for myself.
I’m here to let anyone else that’s looking to go back to school, whether you’re older, younger, haven’t gone yet, or dropped out that you can do it. You’re not alone and you definitely don’t have to think negative about yourself about it. Whatever your story was before, it’s not going to be your story this time around. Take your time, go your own pace, don’t listen to those who bash others. You have your own journey to go through. Most importantly YOU got this!
This won’t be the last blog about school and I’m hoping to be able to post about getting my degree when the time comes around. Whenever that will be. I’m in no rush right now and enjoying the ride. I’m happy for this new start and I’ll see everyone at the end. ♡
What a time to be me. In a positive way, what a time to be me. I get to step into this unknown territory, this unknown area, an unknown place with these unknown feelings. I get to choose, feel, think, and speak for myself and only myself. I get to choose for myself without having to worry about putting someone else’s responsibilities first. I can finally put myself first.
It’s very new to me. I can’t think of a time where I was able to put myself first — like ever. That’s crazy right? I’ve put others before me — what feels like my entire life. Not anymore. So how does that make me feel? Honestly, it doesn’t feel right, it feels very off. I feel very selfish and somewhat empty. I felt fulfilled by being needed by others even if it drained me or held me back from what I could actually achieve. But hey, at least they still needed me, I am that much. I’m learning to understand that I am much more than that, but I also can be that person for others still. I’m learning to understand that I can put myself first and still take care of others, I just had my priorities backwards. It’s whats making this such a new territory for me. I had it wrong all along and I’m okay with admitting to that.
Who was I to be working three jobs to support not only myself, but three other people who were very much capable of taking care of themselves? Who was I to feel like such a disappointment when I couldn’t help pay bills for someone that made more than me with their one job verses my three? Who was I to feel like a failure for dropping out of school because people were throwing their responsibilities on me and I had no choice, but to take it all on? I can’t help but to feel rage and anger because it felt like I had no other choice. I also don’t want to hold onto those feelings because it’s so heavy and it’s so tiring to hold that hurt in your heart. I want to forgive.
Truth be told, I can finally think of goals for myself and actually work towards them. Before, I would come up with a goal, but I would always fail because I wasn’t my own first priority. I constantly failed at things because I put others before me and I let that eat me up. Eat me up to a point where I gave up on dreams and goals and adjusted living my life around everyone else’s schedules. I’m not entirely mad about it because I learned the lessons that came with, but it makes me sad to look back on sometimes. I poured my heart out and into everyone around me and left nothing for myself. Truth be told, even though I’m happy that I get to move forward and it’s exciting to see myself take these little steps, I have no idea what I’m doing. When you are so focused on others around you, you forget about yourself. I always knew how I wanted to end up in life, but I was never able to think about the details of how I would get there. It was like okay I’m at point A, I need to get to point C, but never thought of point B.
I know I have a lot of work to put forward and to put in. I know before I can fully enjoy what’s ahead of me, I have to learn to let this all stay behind me. Even though I felt a sense of fulfillment before, I have to unlearn it and go through this confusing emptiness. I have to be very cautious in what I do until I actually know what to do. Last thing I want is seeing myself fall into old ways again. This is the truth, this is my truth, this is me.
If we went back to the beginning, who would we be? If we could go back to the beginning, who would we make ourselves be again? It’s been awhile, but I’m here. Drunk sally. Whoo. Who would you make yourself be? God I feel numb.
Numb in a good way. Numb as in it’s the best for me. Anyways, if you could go back to the beginning what would you do or tell yourself? Would you go through all the hell again and change it or would you do it differently? Who would you make yourself be? Where would things go? Would you change things?
I hurt, you hurt we all hurt. We go through hell. Would you change it? I would go back for sure and hope that I see things differently than I would have. See things as how they really were. I know it would have been heartbreaking, but better the truth than what as I saw it as with my rose colored glasses, I hate how much I try to romanticize life. Sometimes I hate how much I try to look for the good in things. Just see the bad and let it be how it really is. Stop trying to look at the good. See things as they really are. That’s life, face it. My faults are also my good traits. Why does life do that to us? Make the bad things also good, you know how confusing that shit is? How it fucks with your inner peace so much? If I could go back to the beginning what would I wish, how would things go, where would I be? I don’t actually know, I never got to think or put myself first to even think that way and maybe that’s my problem.
I try to be happy, but people don’t want me to be. Is it karma? Is it what I deserve or are people just fucking miserable with their own fucking lives? When I finally do right to myself because I owe myself that much. The saying “god gives his toughest battle to his strongest soldiers” I use to be so inspire by that shit back then, but now.. no not now, stop making me a solider, I’ve had enough for the time being. I’ve been thrown so many obstacles since a young age. Pick someone else I want a break. Just let me breathe. I want to go back to the beginning. drunk sally out.
It’s the new year, so what are my goals or new year resolutions? Well this year I’m not going to make any. Not that I don’t have any, but don’t you guys ever get stuck with a list that never gets finished or your goals change? In my 26 years of life, I know whatever list I make now will not be what I accomplish later. I’m more of a do as you go type of person. So here is all that I wish for me and for you. Take what you need and leave what you don’t.
I wish for your happiness and peace. I wish you heal the things that you do not speak or know. I wish for the growth and lessons that will push you to be a better person. I wish for the love that will forever stay with you. I wish you will take the bad days and remember that it’s just a bad day and that you don’t take all the good days for granted. I hope that you love yourself more and you do more for yourself. Whatever you’ve been trying to chase to fill that empty feeling, I hope you catch it and it lights a light in your soul that never goes out again. For all the tears that you cried in 2021, you don’t meet them again. I hope you remember to take more photos or videos. I wish for good health and wellness. That every person you come across is as genuine as you. You’ll get the break you need this year to sit down and absorb all that you have done and to relax. I wish you the best in your business plans because I know you’re capable and I know you have it in you. All your creative thoughts get brought to life this year. I hope you do take some things from last year and you keep working on them. Those are not achieved in just a year, it’s something you have to constantly work on for the rest of your life. That you do not forget who you are as a person. All the built up anger, I don’t want you to just let go of it and forgive, I want it to fuel the passion of making yourself better. Use it in a good way and not as a flamethrower and use it to burn others in words. You know what? Settle in already, push your pride aside and accept what has been waiting for you. You could’ve had more good and balance if you were more open to accepting help. It’s okay to get help, you need other people, we all need people. I wish something clicks in you and you stop living on survival mode, you made it, you can rest. Let someone else take care of you for once. I wish you get the nurture you give to others and you accept it without feeling weak and if you end up feeling that way then you allow yourself to be okay with that. All the battles you have within are put to an end. I wish you live life for what it is and that you continue to do that. Love every little thing in the world more including yourself. ♡
It’s that time of year again where the leaves start to change, then it starts to get cold and snow. The daylight hours are almost non existent unless you’re a morning person and Starbucks is killing the holiday drink game. Which also means it’s that time of year where I somehow get a cold and all I drink is the Honey Citrus Mint Tea. So here I am, sitting, writing and sipping on some tea.
This first half of winter is beating me up. Boy I’ve been struggling, but I’m getting through. These last few days of 2021 are big reflection days for me. Just going over how my year was, what I wish I would have done differently and what I did that was best for me. I can say I don’t have much regrets at all, but I could have done more for myself. A lesson that I’ll forever be learning. I’ve done a lot and got through a lot this year, so I’m going to take this moment to congratulate and celebrate because damn it was emotional! All the different feelings that I had this year was way beyond any other years. Sally, take another sip of your Honey Citrus Mint Tea cause you deserve it. You did it.
Some highlights of 2021: I was a manager of an hibachi restaurant during the constant changing covid restrictions era. That in itself is a huge accomplishment. I was able to work with my old manager for a month before moving and I adore working with her and just adore her! I was surprised with a going away party from my Sakura family and I cried my little heart out. I love them so much and miss working with them tons ♡ They’re like family to me. I worked there for 4 years with most of them. They saw every bad and good day that I had, they went through and helped me go through all of my early and mid 20’s crisis. I will never forget my last day there because of everyone!
To all the traveling and trips done in 2021, CHEERS! I had an excellent year in food and adventure. I fell in love with views over and over again, I found things that brought out happiness in me that I wouldn’t get if I stayed home. I ate at the Versace mansion which is still so surreal to me! Traveling brings out the best of me and also the fun side LOL If you saw me in Miami, I’m still wondering where that Sally came from, I want her back. I will not stop traveling, it feeds my soul.
My going away party thrown by my friends. That is a huge highlight of 2021, one that I hold so close. You don’t really know how much you’re loved until it’s shown to you. I’m so blessed that I have all these people in my life that enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs. It isn’t the last time that we were all going to be together, but that would be it for a while. They give me so much support all the time even with the distance and for that I am truly truly grateful.
My move! Sheeeeeeeeesh it’s been a ride. I moved in April of 2021 to Wisconsin and I still call soda “Pop” and “ope, let me squeeze right past ya” I’m still that Michigan girl. Moving really tested me and I would be lying if I said that I’m fully settled in now cause truth is I’m not, but that’s okay. I’m enjoying it and I’ve met a lot of great people that I consider my really close friends. My boyfriend deserves a huge thank you for being with me every step of the way and helping me make sure I make it as close to home as possible. He is my home guys hehe ♡ The whole summer is a highlight though. All the trips, events, drinking… ya’ll are wild, but a fun wild. Everyone needs to get crazy to survive this crazy world anyways. Thanks to Wisconsin my alcohol tolerance went up HAHA No, but I’m thankful that I get to call Wisconsin my second home, that I get to spend everyday in love with my love and that I’m surrounded by friends who care for me (including my non MI & WI friends that I met through everyone in WI)
My last big highlight that I would like to add is seeing Ramses’s custom runway line being walked live!!! Ramses is one of my closest friend and he does custom apparel under his brand Ramraves. I’ve got to witness and help with the beginning process of Ramraves and to see his work go in a Runway?? PROUD. SOOO PROUD. Ramses when you read this I just want to let you know that I’m still so in awe. Keep it up, opportunities are coming this year! I love you!
To those who are reading this, I hope you had a great new year and this year treats everyone better. It was a rough one for not only myself, but everyone else too. I do want to thank you for all the views, I hit 10k views right before the year ended and that was a cool little milestone and accomplishment for me. For whatever reason you’re visiting my blog to read, I hope you get the year you deserve.
SALLY♡THINGS 