Tag: Comfortable

Then and Now.

I probably have typed about this in the few blogs I wrote before, but never finished. Fair warning, be prepared to read a little more of this in other blogs if they ever get posted. So far it’s the only thing that comes to my mind when I try to sit down to blog, so it’s something that needs to get out and hopefully after I can blog about other things. I feel like a broken record sometimes. I blog a lot about healing and my journey, it’s all I know right now. It is currently what’s going on in my life. Then and now. I wouldn’t quite call this a drunk thoughts blog, but I did have a good chug of some strawberry sake. Just a bit to loosen up and be not so in my head about sharing this. I actually find it hard to share this side of me because it feels super and very vulnerable of me. Maybe a part of me feels embarrassed, maybe because it still gets me in my feels or that I haven’t yet fully processed it. It’s hard for me to express because I simply do not know where I’m quite at with it all. Whatever it is, here I try to go.

These summer months, I have really compared my current self to my 2023 self. If I could describe myself this summer it would be: confident, strong, happy, healing, thriving, joyful, sober, living life to the fullest, a normal person. If I were to describe summer Sally 2023 it would be: sad, but grateful, stressed, alcohol driven, burnt out, lost, fun, goal driven, and hurt. What two very different and confusing versions of me.

A word that best described me then is lost. A word that best describes me now is healing, but of course I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for that lost version of me. Looking back I’m actually very grateful for that part of my life (not the problems, but the lessons) and very proud of how I managed, even though I was very hurt. I sat with myself every day and I listened to my cries, I listened to my thoughts, I felt the hurt. I sat with every emotion and let them take their turn. I sat with all my doubts and gave them the time they needed. I sat there and cried out every tear in my body almost every night until there was nothing left. Some people might think it’s pretty pathetic, but it was what I needed to do for me. That was my way of trying to comfort myself. I gave myself that safe space. Now, I still have that safe space, but it’s more for the appreciation of my happiness, celebration of small steps on my healing and the new self love that I have for myself. I won’t say I’m completely on the other side, but it’s definitely a positive path.

I did something that I never thought or saw myself doing and that was to stop engaging and going silent. I let go of any hope and expectation, I let go completely. That’s such a hard thing to do. To let things go free and to let things come to or go from you. I ignored and pushed everything away as much as I could until I realized that it was something that was trying to come to me. I really crawled into my own little shell and if you weren’t someone I saw in my daily life, I unfortunately didn’t reach out to or interacted with for a bit. My social battery was fighting so hard, but my emotional side won. I’m a person who tries to act fine when I’m not, but in reality my emotions literally leak out of my pores and you can tell how I am through my body language and facial expressions. I pulled away for a bit so people didn’t have to see that side of me, ask me anything and I didn’t have to keep pretending. I’m sorry to my friends and family for that and I’m also very thankful that everyone understood that I needed some space. I put myself first and really focused on nothing, but myself and moving forward. One positive that did come out of it was my decision on schooling. Now, because of then, I still am continuing my education and I feel more comfortable with being truly vulnerable in front of others even if I feel stupid. It is not a burden. Now, I can thank the ‘then me’ and comfort any part of her that I still have left with the ‘now me’.

One thing that I learned from this and in my therapy sessions are to acknowledge all these different parts of me, listen to what they need to say, validate them and thank them. Practicing this has helped build a better relationship within myself with myself. Practicing this has allowed to me forgive myself, love all the different parts of myself, remember my worth, remember what I deserve, growth, healing, forgiving others and most importantly not to hurt others because of my own hurt. One day, I’ll be at the end with the rainbows and unicorns or in my case, a room filled with anything and everything Hello Kitty.

This was really building up in my head and I tried to avoid blogging more on it, but I guess I still have a lot to say. If you are still reading this, thank you. Sending lots of love out. Then and Now. ♡

Confident and Comfortable: Eczema

If you didn’t go to school with me or know me before high school (2009), you probably wouldn’t even have guessed that I had and dealt with severe eczema. My skin is pretty clear now and I get a pimple or two once every few months, but it wasn’t like that before and the confidence that I have now would not exists without my eczema. I just wanted to say I am PROUD of my younger self and take a little time to appreciate this “horrendous” period of my life.

I actually first started noticing my eczema when I was in 3rd grade (2003) and it wasn’t a huge deal, but it just got worse and worse very quickly. To the point where the eczema would scab over and if I scratched myself or it got caught on my clothes, I would bleed. It spread over my entire body too, behind the knees, on my legs, my elbows, my stomach, including my face. My cheeks and nose especially. The button on my jeans would cause me to break out, so I would have to tape a piece of tissue or something to cover it. I brought extra shirts to change into at school because the eczema scabs would get caught on my shirt and bleed through. Then for my face, I had glasses that would rub on my nose and cheeks. Having a flat nose bridge and big cheeks did not me out at all. It seemed like nothing would help for the longest time.

I remember in elementary, we would go to the school pool as a class for swimming lessons and the eczema on my stomach was so bad that I had a coverup skirt and wore it the entire time. One time a classmate saw my stomach while I was putting the skirt on and she seemed disgusted. The swimming teacher tried convincing me that I didn’t need the cover up and when I took it off, she told me that I should just put it back on. My eczema would burn the first few seconds of getting into the chlorine pool water.

Through out middle school and some of high school, my cheeks and nose were red 24/7 even when the eczema rash itself was gone. The nickname I had was Rudolph the red nose reindeer and honestly I hated it, became very insecure and use to cry about it sometimes. I wanted to cover it up with makeup so bad, but I knew that it would irritate it even more. None of the steroid creams or medications that was prescribed helped enough to get rid of it. I was pretty much just stuck with it.

Younger self Sally was just as stubborn as I am now and I just pushed through the teasing and didn’t let it show (for the most part) that it bothered me. Along the way I started to accept my condition and started planting this little seed of confidence inside. I somehow found a way to love myself and the scabbed eczema skin. I actually started to forget about it and I don’t even remember when it went away or how, but it was sometime during sophomore or junior year. I was left with scars on my stomach (that faded away over the next 3 years) and my face is forever red, but I don’t look at myself any less. I just appreciate my strength at such a young age and how I dealt with it because of how emotional I am. I don’t think I could deal with it as strong now if it were to come back.

I still get eczema on my stomach or sides during super dry winters or if I wear certain metals for jewelry, belts or rave pieces. It actually has gotten worse now though, my eczema comes back and I get hives as well, but I do avoid those pieces at all cost. I can definitely say that without going through all of that, I would not be so confident and comfortable with how and who I am today. So thank you little Rudolph, you kicked ass ♡

SALLY ♡ T