Tag: Baby Steps

Then and Now.

I probably have typed about this in the few blogs I wrote before, but never finished. Fair warning, be prepared to read a little more of this in other blogs if they ever get posted. So far it’s the only thing that comes to my mind when I try to sit down to blog, so it’s something that needs to get out and hopefully after I can blog about other things. I feel like a broken record sometimes. I blog a lot about healing and my journey, it’s all I know right now. It is currently what’s going on in my life. Then and now. I wouldn’t quite call this a drunk thoughts blog, but I did have a good chug of some strawberry sake. Just a bit to loosen up and be not so in my head about sharing this. I actually find it hard to share this side of me because it feels super and very vulnerable of me. Maybe a part of me feels embarrassed, maybe because it still gets me in my feels or that I haven’t yet fully processed it. It’s hard for me to express because I simply do not know where I’m quite at with it all. Whatever it is, here I try to go.

These summer months, I have really compared my current self to my 2023 self. If I could describe myself this summer it would be: confident, strong, happy, healing, thriving, joyful, sober, living life to the fullest, a normal person. If I were to describe summer Sally 2023 it would be: sad, but grateful, stressed, alcohol driven, burnt out, lost, fun, goal driven, and hurt. What two very different and confusing versions of me.

A word that best described me then is lost. A word that best describes me now is healing, but of course I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for that lost version of me. Looking back I’m actually very grateful for that part of my life (not the problems, but the lessons) and very proud of how I managed, even though I was very hurt. I sat with myself every day and I listened to my cries, I listened to my thoughts, I felt the hurt. I sat with every emotion and let them take their turn. I sat with all my doubts and gave them the time they needed. I sat there and cried out every tear in my body almost every night until there was nothing left. Some people might think it’s pretty pathetic, but it was what I needed to do for me. That was my way of trying to comfort myself. I gave myself that safe space. Now, I still have that safe space, but it’s more for the appreciation of my happiness, celebration of small steps on my healing and the new self love that I have for myself. I won’t say I’m completely on the other side, but it’s definitely a positive path.

I did something that I never thought or saw myself doing and that was to stop engaging and going silent. I let go of any hope and expectation, I let go completely. That’s such a hard thing to do. To let things go free and to let things come to or go from you. I ignored and pushed everything away as much as I could until I realized that it was something that was trying to come to me. I really crawled into my own little shell and if you weren’t someone I saw in my daily life, I unfortunately didn’t reach out to or interacted with for a bit. My social battery was fighting so hard, but my emotional side won. I’m a person who tries to act fine when I’m not, but in reality my emotions literally leak out of my pores and you can tell how I am through my body language and facial expressions. I pulled away for a bit so people didn’t have to see that side of me, ask me anything and I didn’t have to keep pretending. I’m sorry to my friends and family for that and I’m also very thankful that everyone understood that I needed some space. I put myself first and really focused on nothing, but myself and moving forward. One positive that did come out of it was my decision on schooling. Now, because of then, I still am continuing my education and I feel more comfortable with being truly vulnerable in front of others even if I feel stupid. It is not a burden. Now, I can thank the ‘then me’ and comfort any part of her that I still have left with the ‘now me’.

One thing that I learned from this and in my therapy sessions are to acknowledge all these different parts of me, listen to what they need to say, validate them and thank them. Practicing this has helped build a better relationship within myself with myself. Practicing this has allowed to me forgive myself, love all the different parts of myself, remember my worth, remember what I deserve, growth, healing, forgiving others and most importantly not to hurt others because of my own hurt. One day, I’ll be at the end with the rainbows and unicorns or in my case, a room filled with anything and everything Hello Kitty.

This was really building up in my head and I tried to avoid blogging more on it, but I guess I still have a lot to say. If you are still reading this, thank you. Sending lots of love out. Then and Now. ♡

Food Alert: Festival of the Arts – Grand Rapids.

Here’s a local Food Alert for my Michigan readers. I was able to attend the last day of the Grand Rapids 55th Festival of the Arts this past weekend! This one is a special one because for as long as I can remember, my family and I always attended this festival. It was always so fun with all the painting and different crafts that we got to do, then all the food that we would eat and who can forget about handmade lemonade? I remember we use to design our our own t-shirts with paint, get our face painted, make our sculptures with wood and glue, get ballon animals, spiral painting and even just regular painting. Then as I got older, I was able to take some of my nieces with me and watch them do all the same that I use to do as a kid. It’s such a fun family event that happens in Grand Rapids! I haven’t gone in the past 9 years, so when I was able to make it this year I made sure to make the best of it. A lot has changed from the last time I attended and it was a lot smaller with less activities and vendors, but I just know it’ll get there again! Now let’s jump into the food ♡

I went by myself to do a little foodie adventure, which was very hard because I can’t eat a lot. I got full quick. I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat everything and all of it, so I came prepared and brought some to-go containers from home in a bag to store what I couldn’t finish for later. That was actually such a smart thing to do. GO SALLY!
First stop was at the Chinese Association of West Michigan booth. One of my favorites, even as a kid, are these chicken skewers! It was a nostalgic way to start off the foodie adventure.

Not even 2 minutes after buying the chicken skewers, I saw the Sanse Filipino food truck and knew my second stop would be there. With the chicken skewers in hand, I ordered their Pork Lumpias. If I had more hands, I would have probably ordered more food like their chicken adobo, but I also needed to not go in so hard right when I got to the festival.
You guys should have seen me sitting on the sidewalk taking a bite of the chicken skewer in one hand and then a bite of the pork lumpia in the other. I was in such a happy place!

After the first two foods, I was feeling full already. I know, it’s not even that much, but I really have a small appetite! I walked around and looked at all the merchandise vendors for about 45 mins before grabbing this Tamales Platter from the Tamales Mary food truck. It has been a while since I had tamales, so it was everything! I really like tamales, especially with extra hot sauce. The spicier, the better. I got a red shredded chicken tamal and a green shredded pork tamal. I tried to eat as much of the platter that I could, but look it was perfect for leftovers for later.

I could have taken a little food coma nap at this point if I tried. I had to be a champ and walk around again and explore more of the festival. I sat down at a few stages and watched a few performances. It got blazing hot after a bit and I needed something cold and something sweet, so why not find some some ice cream? There were a few vendors to choose from, but I decided on SemiFreddo, an Italian food truck. The other ice cream trucks were ones where I’ve had them before, so I wanted to try something new. Plus, a sparkling cream float sounded so yummy and perfect! I knew that if I didn’t finish the ice cream part before it started to melt, at least it would still be good as a float! In the sparkling cream float was a scoop of lemon semifredoo, strawberry sauce mixed with sparkling water. I’m not a huge fan of strawberry sauce because it’s usually just artificial syrup, but their strawberry sauce had chunks of fresh strawberries. They won me over. I had a great time eating/drink my float and watching the jazz band, Big Band Nouveau. It was one of those ‘life is good’ moments ♡

With two hours left of the festival and an over stuffed tummy, I needed to choose what would be my last foodie options. I really wanted to try Honeybee’s Kitchen Caribbean & Soulfood food truck or Big Ed’s BBQ food truck, but their lines were super long. I should have because I’ve been thinking about them since! Long lines usually = really good food.
I walked past the Holy Trinity Greek tent twice before deciding that I just needed to get a Souvlaki. This was also one of my favorites to eat when we came to Festival of the Arts when I was a kid. It was just as good as I remembered it!

The last item of the festival foodie adventure was, of course, a Shaker Lemonade from the Big Mike’s Kettle Corn tent. Fresh lemonade is top tier. Usually at this festival it would be a booth by one of the local high schools, but I noticed this year it was more food trucks than associations or organizations like in the past. Not complaining though, all the food trucks were still Michigan local and I was able to have the chance to support them! Also, the streets of downtown Grand Rapids is such a cute place to take photos.

Honorary Merchandise Vendor Mention

You all know how much I LOVE FLOWERS! I was so excited to see a vendor selling flowers and had to get a cute bouquet for myself. Thank you to Leaflet for making this beautiful bouquet and making my whole day. I’m absolutely obsessed with them ♡

I wish I had more space in my tummy to try ALL the other food trucks or tents that I couldn’t get too. If you weren’t able to attend Festival of the Arts, but is now interested, it happens every year in June, downtown Grand Rapids! It is a free event, no admission fee! Just keep your eye out or sign up for emails on their website. You can also follow them on facebook as well! I’m very happy that I had the day off to go. I’m also proud of myself for going on a solo foodie adventure and how much I was able to eat on my own.

This upcoming weekend is the Grand Rapids Asian-Pacific Festival, so if you are in the area you might catch me on another foodie adventure! It’s also held downtown Grand Rapids, this will be my first year being able to attend. It is also a free event with no admission! Another great family friendly event to bring the kids to. Like this one, there will be a Food Alert blog on that coming shortly after! I actually tried to do the same thing with Michigan Asian Fest in Novi, Michigan, two weekends ago, but I ended up only eating beer with a side of papaya salad and kapoon. I had a little too much fun there at Michigan Asian Fest. It was well worth the memories though. See you guys soon!
Remember that we live to eat and not eat to live ♡

Gentle.

gen·tle
having or showing a mild, kind, or tender temperament or character.

Gentle. What a word I crave to have. A word I crave to feel. Gentle.
Gentle life, gentle love, gentle thoughts, gentle feelings and feeling gentle. What a thing to crave. I have been in something nothing close to gentle, it was everything opposite, all the while I was trying to be gentle.

Gentle love. Love is suppose to be gentle. Love should be gentle. Real love is gentle. You should be valued during your good and your bad moments. You should be respected in heated moments. Your boundaries should be respected. They should always consider you and your feelings in situations, they should consider your opinions and validate your feelings. You should be trusted with making your own decisions and that theirs isn’t always the right way. They shouldn’t assume that only they know better. You should never have to be gaslit or manipulated. A gentle love is where they are so thankful to have you in their life and they show you that in the most genuine way without any extra intentions behind it. In a gentle love, you are the priority. It’s just you. You shouldn’t have to question the little things or the way they act or their love for you. You should never be left wondering if they care about you. Love is suppose to be gentle and I crave exactly that.

Gentle thoughts and feelings. To have a gentle mind and heart again, I want that. To have a gentle mind that’s quiet with your thoughts or to have a gentle heart that won’t make you feel sad the moment you are no longer busy and can put your day away. They don’t necessarily have to be empty, but light and kind. Not filled with rage, sadness, doubt, etc. Something that is quieter than what it has been. Something more loving and not broken. I crave that.

I am tired and drained from everything not being gentle.

“I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.”

No matter what you do or try to be there will always be those dark moments in your life. We can’t avoid it and will fall into it from time to time. It sucks, but the truth is it’s just unavoidable. You either consume it or it consumes you, you either come out better or worse. There’s no way of telling until after.

I know I said I was going to post more often, but life got in the way. Both good and bad things. It’s been feeling like constant high and lows for me and I’ve been trying to raw dog my way through it. When I say that I mean by not running to alcohol whenever I feel sad. I would say I’m doing a decent job at that. Yes, I still drink on the weekends, but it’s more for fun and socially, not to fill a void. I haven’t been going to my therapy sessions either because there’s rules about keeping the same therapist when you move to different states, so at this point I pretty much have to find a new therapist. I liked my therapist I had in Michigan so much it feels like I won’t be able to find another like her. I’m trying to learn healthier ways to express my emotions and unlearn the negative patterns that I’ve been holding on to for forever. It’s hard as fuck. No one will ever tell you how it drains a lot of you because it feels like you are losing a part of yourself. You know, it’s something that you’ve known and was comfortable with for a while. Even if it’s bad, unhealthy or negative, it’s what you knew and what you adapted. What I will say though is to make sure you try to unlearn things for you and not for anyone else. If you aren’t doing it for yourself, then you will fall right back into it and you’re only going to disappoint yourself. Unless you’re actually willing to change, you’re not going to no matter how much you want it. That’s just how this shit works.

Exactly what am I looking for? “I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.” Small baby steps, so just less pain right now, then after happiness and whatever comes next. Honestly if I can just feel content again, I’d be happy with that. I’m not looking for anything big right now, just to be okay again.

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

  • You will get through it
  • Your best is enough
  • It is okay to rest
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your feelings are valid
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your goals are important
  • Your voice deserves to get heard

We’re all rooting for you.

Not Figured Out.

Feel like you haven’t figured your life or even yourself out? Welcome to the club. I’ll proudly claim to be the face of it if no one else wants too. As much as it seems like I have my life figured out, I don’t. Not even close to it. I’m just out here living my life as much as I can.

I wanted to say and let you know that it’s okay to not have your life figured out. It doesn’t matter how old young or old, if you have achievements or if you’re in school or not. That’s okay, you have time to figure it out. You have your own time to do things at your own pace. Do what feels right to you, but also know what you’re going to be getting yourself into.

There will be people who will automatically look down on you because they think that not following society’s ‘norms’ means you are less, not as achieved, lazy, not willing. Don’t let anyone like that get into your head. They aren’t you, they don’t understand what you personally go through or feel about anything. You are enough the way you are and you’re doing your best everyday. I’m one that loves to celebrate small steps because sometimes that’s all a person has. You may not feel figured out, but that doesn’t mean you are failing at anything. Be proud of the little things that you’ve accomplished.

You are enough, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH.