Tag: Updates

Drunk Thoughts: More Like Just a Few Glasses of Wine.

For those who “want the tea”, this is MY blog. Let me set everything now.

I don’t know if I would consider this as ‘drunks thoughts’ because honestly I’m not drunk. I don’t even feel tipsy, I have just had a few (four, yes four) glasses of wine. If you have seen me lately, you know it doesn’t have ton of affect on me anymore, BUT I am still under the influence. It can still count right? Anyways, let’s do a check in.

It’s been a while since I’ve written or posted a blog. September 8 to be exact and today is November 8, so 2 months exactly. Yes, I took some time to myself and I took time for me to figure out what my life is going to be like and then I went through some things and I needed to figure out where I was going to be. I’ve hid, I’ve disappeared, I’ve acted crazy, I’ve joked around, I went through these crazy ups and downs, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve loved while being broken, I’ve been dealing with this broken version of me. I’ve done everything during those two months to present time. I was someone who I did not want to be, I was someone who I wanted to be and I was someone who I didn’t think I would become. To this day I’m still going through the motions and trying to become someone who just understands that I did what I could. It just wasn’t it. That’s the hardest part of it all, I want to blame myself for everything when it has nothing to do with my actions.

I still have a long way to go with everything. I know it’s going to be journey of ups and down, but at the end I just need to focus on me and my wellbeing. I have to be selfish right now and that’s very new to me. I would also like to ask everyone if they can respect my boundaries. I don’t want to hear or know of anything. I think I’ve heard enough already and that was more than what I could handle… If you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for myself, I’ll be more than willing to accept that instead. There’s still so much love coming and pouring out from me and that love will continue be there for a long time, just respect my boundaries.

I’m not proud of some of the things I’ve succumbed too. I’m not proud of the actions I’ve taken or some of the words I’ve said, but I do understand that I acted out because of how I felt emotionally and I would like to make a public apology. It ended up spilling out to more parties than just the one.
I’m sorry. I know that if I was on that receiving side, I would have been livid or annoyed even if it was “understandable”. I hold myself accountable, that is not the person I think that I am nor wish to be. I let the worst get to me and I let what I’ve been trying to heal break. I know I apologized before, but I hope this reaches to those who it effected.

For those who “want the tea”, this is MY blog and this is what you get out of me. I’ll get what I deserve, they’ll get what they deserve and you’ll get what you deserve whether it’s good or bad. At this point please forget about me and leave all that negativity behind. I’m not fighting you or fighting for anyone or anything, but myself. I’ve removed myself a few months now, your problem is who you have been fighting with me for. Take it up with them, I wasn’t the one to begin with and definitely not the one now.
Maybe take it up with yourself and finally hold yourself accountable. Stop lying to yourself and find peace within you. Hurt people hurt other people and like you, I need to find my way through too.

This is my piece and I acknowledge it’ll get passed around. I get to be selfish now, so please pass it around whether it’s with pure intentions or ill intentions.

Here’s my truth.

“I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.”

No matter what you do or try to be there will always be those dark moments in your life. We can’t avoid it and will fall into it from time to time. It sucks, but the truth is it’s just unavoidable. You either consume it or it consumes you, you either come out better or worse. There’s no way of telling until after.

I know I said I was going to post more often, but life got in the way. Both good and bad things. It’s been feeling like constant high and lows for me and I’ve been trying to raw dog my way through it. When I say that I mean by not running to alcohol whenever I feel sad. I would say I’m doing a decent job at that. Yes, I still drink on the weekends, but it’s more for fun and socially, not to fill a void. I haven’t been going to my therapy sessions either because there’s rules about keeping the same therapist when you move to different states, so at this point I pretty much have to find a new therapist. I liked my therapist I had in Michigan so much it feels like I won’t be able to find another like her. I’m trying to learn healthier ways to express my emotions and unlearn the negative patterns that I’ve been holding on to for forever. It’s hard as fuck. No one will ever tell you how it drains a lot of you because it feels like you are losing a part of yourself. You know, it’s something that you’ve known and was comfortable with for a while. Even if it’s bad, unhealthy or negative, it’s what you knew and what you adapted. What I will say though is to make sure you try to unlearn things for you and not for anyone else. If you aren’t doing it for yourself, then you will fall right back into it and you’re only going to disappoint yourself. Unless you’re actually willing to change, you’re not going to no matter how much you want it. That’s just how this shit works.

Exactly what am I looking for? “I wasn’t necessarily looking for happiness, just less pain.” Small baby steps, so just less pain right now, then after happiness and whatever comes next. Honestly if I can just feel content again, I’d be happy with that. I’m not looking for anything big right now, just to be okay again.

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

  • You will get through it
  • Your best is enough
  • It is okay to rest
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your feelings are valid
  • Your opinion matters
  • Your goals are important
  • Your voice deserves to get heard

We’re all rooting for you.