Tag: Slow Down

Slowing It Down, November.

Slow it down, November. Read it again, slow it down, November. I have been quiet and yet not quiet at all. It’s very confusing unless you are in my day to day life, but thats okay. I went crazy with going out in October, but this month, I really just want to be left with less sound and less company. I want to take more moments for myself and have quiet moments, so I can hear my own thoughts and moments – sober. Yes, sober.

It’s an easy habit for me to fall into drinking to mask feelings and I’ve been very open about this with myself in the past. The past few months, I was falling into that darker path, so November I wanted to slow down and sit with my feelings, thoughts, moods, etc. Slow it down. I’m not perfect, but I’m not going out 4X a week to a bar either. In November, I’ve gone out about four times vs. twelve times. I call that progress.

With November, my goal is to sit with myself (sober, of course) and feel my feelings, feel my hurt, feel my happiness, feel my thoughts and then give all of that a safe & thankful space to heal in. I hate that I’m in the same spot as previous years, I really do, but I’ve learned that I have a lot of love to give and a lot of love. I will always have love, thats who I am and who I will always be. I’m coming to terms with that. Slow it down.

I am trying to take a step back to not find myself, I know who I am, but to ground myself again. I can definitely say that I lost a piece of myself throughout the year. I know I fought with myself a lot this year to find a peace, when I was only stepping over my own boundaries. Slow it down and build yourself again. I’m choosing to do the work that I need to do, even if it feels the worse. Even if it feels the opposite. You just have to do it. Of course, I want to do all things with love, but I’m just learning that life really doesn’t work that way. Not everything can be done in love or with love. That’s a hard lesson to learn, but it doesn’t make you less of a loving person or that your love is or was any less. Slowing things down this month allows me to process what my mind knows, but what my heart still wants to deny. I can tell there will be more slow down months in the future. I have a lot of work for my heart to catch up with. I’m going to take my time to make sure I’m doing it right this time. Let me marinate in my feelings for a while, they need their time as well.

I’m Just Trying to Get to You.

Lately I’ve been more to myself, not out as much, visiting home more often, not writing, just MIA. It’s not because I hate anyone or anything super crazy, but I haven’t felt too much like myself and it’s been feeling like I’ve been losing myself. I’ve been feeling stuck in a low place, but I still have to catch up and live my daily life. It’s stressful, it’s draining.

I can think back to the exact moment where I started to feel this way. I can pinpoint the exact reason, I can tell you exactly why. I can also tell you that it has made me a worse person, a bitter person, but also how it made me feel on top of the world but in the worst way. The saying “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off too,” well I didn’t even give my friends a chance to jump because I was the friend that did it first. The problem is I held on to it for too long. It was a temporary high, a temporary relief, it wasn’t meant to be kept. That’s a problem of mine, I hold on to whatever makes me feel good whether it’s long lasting or suppose to be temporary. Whatever makes or made me feel good. It has changed every aspect of my life and every aspect of myself. Me holding on allowed it to swallow me whole to where I don’t feel like or see myself anymore.

I need to unlearn everything. I need to break the negative patterns and behaviors that I’ve developed. I need to find myself again. It’s draining me out. What I thought was good for me was actually not and now I have to unlearn something that felt right. It feels so wrong.

Did I run away at times? Yes, I sure did.
How do you expect to start unlearning anything in the environment that you picked it up in? When it comes to something like this you need to get away to a place where you can give yourself a safe space far from the bad. Somewhere you can self reflect, somewhere you can ground yourself, somewhere that will remind you of the old you and where you wish to be. That’s what home is to me, so I’m willing to go back as many times as it takes to feel like myself again, to be better.

It’s always okay to slow down. It’s always okay to miss out. It’s always okay to unlearn unhealthy patterns and behaviors. It’s always okay to learn from your mistakes.

On bad days, it’s okay to rest. It’s a lot, it’s emotional, it’s draining. ST, You need to let go and unlearn what you’re use too. It serves no purpose to you. Deal with it head on ST, you know there’s no other way. ST, this isn’t you and you know that. We didn’t go through all of it for it to become this way. Be true to yourself in every way even if it hurts, it’s what you owe to yourself. Please listen to yourself and how you feel, don’t give up. Never give up, you can always be better. The way you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. Mental health days are fine, take more of them. Take advantage of the help that’s out there. Take more time for yourself. At least you’re working on yourself for yourself. Healing takes time.
– ST Reminders