Tag: Ranting

Drunk Thoughts: Ms. 20 Something.


“Hopin’ to keep the rest of my friends. Prayin’ the 20 somethings don’t kill me, kill me.”
“Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love, only know fear. That’s me, Ms. 20 something.“

A year since I’ve posted a drunk thoughts post. Ya’ll see I don’t be getting drunk on my own as much anymore or at all actually. I don’t drink when I’m at my house or even by myself. That’s PROGRESS. A whole year of working on myself and still working on myself. What a fucking journey it’s been. It’s been wild. Let me tell you, WILD. So much to keep quiet on because I just want everything to be over. I’m drained. I’m tired, exhausted. I get pulled into toxic cycles over and over again. I’ve been getting myself stuck with people who have manipulative behaviors and in their cycles over and over. I’m literally praying my 20 something don’t kill me because I don’t know If i’m going to make it out alive anymore. It’s going to take me and eat me alive.

I’m trying to grow, heal and still love, but that gets taken, taken ,taken. I have a big heart and I love to love and I love to care and I am the type of person to just always have feelings, but clearly that’s being taken for granted and advantage of over and over and over again. What’s suppose to be one of the greatest quality a person can have is also the most taken advantage of. Why do people just take and take and take? I honestly wish I could be exactly like them and do the same. Let me take from you now. then throw you away until I need you next. ugh, disgusting. Personal problem? hell yeah. I’ve been keeping quiet for so long, but for what? To try to save someone’s else character because I loved them before? If I were to literally write a tell all book like celebrities, I feel like my shit would be more interesting that most of the others. The shit I have been put through has beeen WILD. I have stayed quiet to try to forget and move on, but then some shit happens and I notice I’m still taken advantage of because I’m not saying anything. I just want to love and keep loving and not become cold. I want to heal, I want to move on, I want to grow. I want to be left alone. This is the most vulnerable that I can be on here.

Everyone just leave me alone from my past. I loved someone who could not love me the right way and we left it. so, YOU, leave it too. Everyone leave it.

What’s Been Up, Sally?

What’s been up? What’s been up? What’s been up? What’s been up?

Hi, hello again SALLY ♡ THINGS readers! Yes, it’s really me. I’m coming back into existence. Here’s an update, so feel free to skip too. I’m just talking about life, but lets get into it, What’s been up?

Well … you see … life has been really life-ing. Lifing or life-ing? But like REALLY. Both in good and bad ways. I was going through it when the last blog was posted plus some more, then of course it calms down. Things start to come together a little and then it takes a sharp turn in another direction that I did not see coming, but it feels good. It feels familiar, but it’s also new at the same time. I just don’t really know how to navigate it and how I feel about it. I just can’t fully accept it just yet, I need to be cautious, I need to look out for me. More time goes on and I’m fighting some demons, ignoring others and starting to accept some. Then we go to the most recent obstacle life has thrown in the way and I still can’t even wrap my head around that one.

You know at the same time, I’m living life. I’m free, I’m starting to feel light, my personality is starting to shine again. I’m literally feeling more like myself and I’m loving myself more. The love is there, it’s still there, it’s always been there. I feeling like I’m growing into the same me, but also a newer, better me. I feel like I’m in this little phase of healing, glowing, loving, and just shining. Which I will admit feels very bizarre because I’m also so stressed. You can really see the stress or burn out on me, specifically on my skin and hair and with my drinking that I had fallen back into too. Is this the non-linear path that they call healing?

Both of my jobs are keeping me busy and I’m very blessed to have them. It’s going on month three of being an assistant to a modeling agency here in my hometown and even though I’m doing light work for them right now, I’m learning a lot of skills that I could use for myself and for my own social media/branding. I’m very thankful for this opportunity that was given to me. My other job, I’m happy to be working in an environment that really sees my effort and worth. Yes, It’s a pretty high-stress work environment, but it works with me and provides for me.

My drinking? It got really intense since I moved back to Michigan last year and while I was impressed with it myself, it was going down a rocky path. I’ve been really working on consistently slowing it down and there’s been a lot of improvement there. Gym? It was starting and I did go for about 3 weeks. Then I fell behind, but that’s okay. I have time to get back into it and I really wasn’t going with intentions of a body goal, but going because I know it’s good for my health. To be honest, I’m loving how I look now, it’s already different from how I saw it before and I think it’s that self love that I’ve really been working on. Talking about self love, my skin? I’ve going through the trenches with that one, but it doesn’t bother me where I’m feeling insecure about it. Maybe because of my severe facial eczema as a kid helped me with my own feelings and securities? I know the cause of the breakouts are from being off of a medicine that I’ve been taking for at least 10 years and my hormones were regulated heavily by it. Something out of my control.

Which BTW, **(rant incoming)** remember that when you move to a different states that there could be different rules and regulations. So your doctor that you had in your previous state, might not be able to legally prescribe medications in the state you moved too. Leading you to having to find a new doctor, but before that you have to switch health insurance from the previous state to one in the current state you live in that will cover you and then you to find a doctor that can prescribe what you need. All the while, a lot of doctors are constantly changing their status of if they are accepting new patients or not. Then your new insurance cards are taking a long time to mail to you and the doctor can’t fit you in until April/May so you have to wait until they have a cancellation in an earlier spot, so you you can take that time slot. It was a fun time 🙂

Then this will be in another post with more details and links soon, but if you haven’t seen yet, my one year old nephew recently got diagnosed with leukemia. That has been the biggest life challenge and it’s been very hard. I don’t think I have my head fully wrapped around it yet because how could that be? He’s only 1 year old, a sweet and innocent baby. Life is not fair to kids and it makes me want to cry every minute I think about it. Even until recently, he’s looked and has been super healthy and then one day he just was very sick. Next, he was diagnosed and put in chemotherapy treatment the next day. It really happened all so quick. That’s my little chubbs.

I’m tired and starting to feel burnt out. It seems like catching a break is not in my 2023 plans. What I can look forward too though is the support that I have with my friends and family around me. Without them, I would have been pushed over the edge already. So really, thank you to all of them. It definitely means the world to me. When you are at low points in life, you also find yourself having high point moments. It’s the way life works, we need the bad to see and appreciate the good stuff coming. The world just keeps moving, so I need to keep moving too or at least attempt to. Here’s that update, what’s been up Sally?

Just A Little Lost.

As I’m entering this phase of my life, I can’t help but to feel a little lost. Even though I’m back to the environment that I grew up in, I’m not the same person. I don’t have the same goals, I’m not looking to pick up where I left off or behind. I want to say everything is the same as how I left it, but it’s not. Things have changed. I some what feel like maybe I don’t belong here or fit in as well as I did. With all that going on, some things do feel the same, but I don’t feel the same way about it. How do you go from a place that you only ever knew, leave for a little over a year, then come back and it almost feels like a new place to you?

Identity crisis? Feeling like an outsider? Did I grow out from this place that fast?
I want different things for myself and I came back to do that, but how really different are the things I want? Can I even get to those here? Where do I belong, where do I feel settled? A thought that comes across a lot lately is did I make the right move or did I just set myself back? I don’t know any of these answers and that’s something I have to try to be okay with. It all has me feeling lost. I thought I had it figured out and that what I saw was clear as day. The reality of it is that it’s not clear as day and it’s actually more confusing. I’m feeling lost.

I know it won’t be like this forever and I just have to let go of the control that I would like to have in my life and let things go and flow. I know things that are meant to be will find its way to me. I know. It’s just hard to keep that positive mindset all the time when I’m not feeling positive all the time. Things take time, but sometimes I feel like I don’t have patience to wait. Things will come when you stop looking for it, so I need to stop looking. I need to be okay with feeling lost for a bit.

Everything All at Once.

I’ve been feeling over whelmed the last few weeks and strongly this week. It feels like everything is coming at me all at once. I’ve started writing a blog every day this week to express how I’ve been feeling, but I haven’t been able to finish any of them because I also feel mentally exhausted. Then it’s 5 am and I need to sleep or I’ll be tired for work. Well hello 6 am, it’s me. I’m up even later than usual. I guess I just have to take the L for work.

It’s frustrating, I’m feeling frustrated at this point. It’s exhausting, I’ve been exhausted. It’s overwhelming, I’m overwhelmed with everything, I have been overwhelmed with everything for a long time now. It’s not with just what’s going on around me and within my personal life, but also with all the overthinking and trying to process situations and understanding and trying to figure out how I feel about things. Then I go to work and that takes up a lot of my time, so I don’t even have that much time out of my day to work everything out. I feel like I’m trying to catch up with myself from the times of 2 am – 6 am everyday. That’s all I get and it’s not enough. I think I’m starting to burn out. You don’t want to try to figure things out during those times especially when you’re alone anyways. It’s not something I can’t handle, but I’m starting to feel defeated. Which makes me feel sad and then it’s another thing for me to add on. Everything all at once.

Your mental health is important. You are important. It’s important and very needed to put yourself first. Allow yourself to unload your mind, give yourself the time and a safe space or environment. Really focus on helping yourself. You are the only you that you will ever have. Do whatever it takes to feel okay again and remember to do it in a positive way and not with something that will later negatively effect you. Build yourself up and then protect that.

Letter to myself:
You got this, Sally. You can pull through. Adjustments are coming, just hold on a little longer. Things are going to change and it will help with a lot of the things. Do what feels right even if it’s not what you want. Let go of things that you cannot control. Communicate what you can, baby steps. Don’t forget to celebrate the baby steps along the way. Give yourself some sort of break. Things feel hard, but you’ve, we, us, I have been making progress. You’re stronger than you know, but I still worry. Remember, everything at once will eventually become nothing at all. Truly, take care of yourself this time.

Biggest Challenges 2020: Drunk Version.

*** warning: Lots of profanity used, drunk sally is something else***

Yes, you read it right. Drunk version lol. Will I ever post this? idek. I would like to say though, fuck 2020. I thought this year would be better for me than 2019, boy was I wrong. I went through some shit this year. It’s December 2020. Shit should be figured out right? Well fuck that shit. I feel like nothing is figured out sometimes lol.

There’s literally so much I have to say, but it can’t be in just one blog. That’s how fucked up I try to make things better. Honestly, I’m still emotion about thongs in my life. It happens though, you just have to deal with it. You might think my life is perfect, but bitch it’s not, stop putting me on a fucking pedestal. I don’t want that.

Being okay by myself, the loss of my pup, the lost of relationships. it really finds a way to fuck you up. A pandemic on top of everything? Well fucckkk, I’m still trying to figure everything else out from the previous years. It has felt like a lot, but also clarity all at once and I don’t know who to react to that. Am I writing to my blog audience or am I writing to you or myself? Who am I trying to convince at this point? Why am I trying to convince anyone about anything? Am I trying to convince or do I know it? I just don’t know.

I really almost finished a full bottle on wine. I literally have a quarter of the entire bottle left. You know I’m proud of myself for that, but also not. That’s a lot to drink, but I also don’t care. Why should I care so much? It doesn’t help you in anyways at all too care so much. I sound bitter, but that’s cause I can be. I’m not that type of person anyways because I know it’s better to push on past it, but let me just take my moment for a bit. Let me just pause and breathe for a bit. Let a bitch breathe for once. Sometimes I think I push myself too hard, but I wouldn’t be where I’m at now because of it. I got myself out of a rough situation and i’m better coming out if it. Just when can I sit and enjoy that without having to deal with the next situation?