Tag: Personal

The Happy Of 2020: Part One.

I’ve been writing a lot about the bad of 2020, so I wanted to lighten up the mood with the good things that came my way this year. If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m a sad girl and when I say that I mean it in the ‘sad boi club’ way. There’s just something about me that just is attracted to sadness I guess.

Let’s go start with the beginning of the year, pre-pandemic, with my job promotion. I got promoted to assistant manager at my workplace and this is the first job that I have ever gotten promoted at. I went from being a hostess to assistant manager and I think I’ve done the best that I could, given the circumstances of this year. The restaurant is still up and alive, so I couldn’t have been that awful. I really am proud of myself for the hard work that I’ve put in to have earned the promotion. I feel super honored that everyone believed that I could fill in the spot and most coworkers made me feel so welcomed and appreciated. I really hope I made a difference there.

Right at the beginning of our quarantine phase, I was suppose to attend a show in Chicago of my favorite artist. Unfortunately, that got cancelled due to everything shutting down, but I still kept the weekend off and spent it in Wisconsin with my boyfriend. Well that weekend, turned to a week, turned into three months. Yep, a three month stay with my boyfriend and his family. Being a long distance relationship, you don’t get to do one of those often. I wrote a little about it in a previous blog post, so I’ll spare the details here. Being long distance has it’s ups and downs, so being able to be together everyday like a regular couple was very needed.

A rest. Because of things shutting down, my job shut down for a couple of months and boy did I need that. My life was getting consumed by work and that was wearing and tearing me down. I got to find the balance between my mental health and everything else in my life. I had the time to put into myself. It was hard at first and I still struggle with it now, I feel more connected with myself and not like i’m just going through life like a robot. I now know how to set up boundaries between work, social and personal life. I am also caught up with all the sleep that I’ve ever missed.

I fucking did something that I never thought I would ever do, but glad that I did. I BARELY conquered, but conquered a 8 mile hike with a 14,278′ elevation, Grays Peak. For somewhere who is not an active person at all, I fucking did that shit. I’m so proud of myself, it was crazy. We went hiking within 12 hours of being in Colorado, my lungs were not having it. You can also read about all of that here! In the blog post, I said I wouldn’t do it again, but I’m over that and would love to go on another hike like that. It’s rewarding and beautiful.

I turned 25 this year. The day after I got back from Colorado and had a lovely charcuterie board birthday picnic with my friends. I am a quarter of a century now! This year I’ve learned that time really does go by fast and in a blink of an eye, you just grow up. I’m very blessed to have everything that I do and very blessed to have all these people around me that love the shit out of me. This year I’ve really seen who is there for me, through the good and the bad. I really love this life that I was given. I talk all this shit sometimes, but really I’m having a good time. People can sit there and say I’m not doing anything with my life and try to belittle me, but I know where I’m at and at least I’m doing everything that makes me happy.

As I started typing, just more and more good things starting coming up, so this will be broken up into parts. I’ll post the second part soon! Sometimes it is nice to type up positive stuff, maybe I’ll try to start to doing that more often, lol. I also have another giveaway soon as well, so keep an eye out for that blog post to come out and follow me on Instagram for the notifications!

SALLY ♡ T 

Biggest Challenges of 2020: Free Time.

Most blogs show you the flawless side of that person’s life, the highest highs, the happiest happy. Well as you have probably read, not mine, but that’s what I like so much about having a blog without a centralized theme. I get to have the freedom of being able to post whatever I want, whenever I want.

FREE TIME.

There was so much free time for me this year and I had no idea what to do with myself. That was the hardest because then I realize without working Sally and this busy lifestyle that I have, who really am I? Without the fancy music festivals and without being around my friends, who am I? Who is the basic, stripped down version of me? I really thought I knew already, but I really didn’t know. Some time along the way, I lost sense of who I was and with this pandemic all I had was this free time to sit in it.

When was the last time I had three months of absolutely nothing to do? Most likely, never. I’ve been working since my freshman year in high school. So to me without work was such a big change in my life. It’s good to be recognized as a hard worker, but there’s so much more that I would rather be known for. Work is not my life. With all that time I just thought about: What were my hobbies? What would I do with my 24 hour days? I tried out a lot of different things to try to figure it out. I didn’t realize that I had gotten so caught up in the work and party life that when work and bar/club/party life was shut down, I felt like I was left with nothing. I tried keeping up with artist virtual streams and perler making as a crafting hobby. I tried beading/making cool rave candies and watching different genres of movies and shows to see if there was something I’ve missed. I’ve tried being more active and taking daily walks, I even went hiking and I don’t ever hike. I even started this blog as a hobby. I’ve tried so many different things this year to try to find what I like or what will potentially stick with me and what one brings out the best of me. Many things came and go and a few stayed, but sometimes I feel like I’m still looking.

With free time, you have to keep yourself busy or you just kind of sit there in your head with your thoughts and mine are not all that pretty. Another problem that I’ve faced with having all this free time. Instead of thoughts getting swept under the rug, they are all just there and pretty loud. I had to actually face them and find a way to correctly heal those thoughts. Strange how it all is.

Anyways, I think this might be something that I’ll still have to adjust to still going into 2021. It’s a slow progress, but I’m getting the hang of it. I’m learning a lot about who I am and who I want to be.
F r e e T i m e .

SALLY ♡ T

Biggest Challenges 2020: Drunk Version.

*** warning: Lots of profanity used, drunk sally is something else***

Yes, you read it right. Drunk version lol. Will I ever post this? idek. I would like to say though, fuck 2020. I thought this year would be better for me than 2019, boy was I wrong. I went through some shit this year. It’s December 2020. Shit should be figured out right? Well fuck that shit. I feel like nothing is figured out sometimes lol.

There’s literally so much I have to say, but it can’t be in just one blog. That’s how fucked up I try to make things better. Honestly, I’m still emotion about thongs in my life. It happens though, you just have to deal with it. You might think my life is perfect, but bitch it’s not, stop putting me on a fucking pedestal. I don’t want that.

Being okay by myself, the loss of my pup, the lost of relationships. it really finds a way to fuck you up. A pandemic on top of everything? Well fucckkk, I’m still trying to figure everything else out from the previous years. It has felt like a lot, but also clarity all at once and I don’t know who to react to that. Am I writing to my blog audience or am I writing to you or myself? Who am I trying to convince at this point? Why am I trying to convince anyone about anything? Am I trying to convince or do I know it? I just don’t know.

I really almost finished a full bottle on wine. I literally have a quarter of the entire bottle left. You know I’m proud of myself for that, but also not. That’s a lot to drink, but I also don’t care. Why should I care so much? It doesn’t help you in anyways at all too care so much. I sound bitter, but that’s cause I can be. I’m not that type of person anyways because I know it’s better to push on past it, but let me just take my moment for a bit. Let me just pause and breathe for a bit. Let a bitch breathe for once. Sometimes I think I push myself too hard, but I wouldn’t be where I’m at now because of it. I got myself out of a rough situation and i’m better coming out if it. Just when can I sit and enjoy that without having to deal with the next situation?

Biggest Challenges of 2020: Therapy.

There’s still this stigma around therapy and counseling, it has gotten a lot better recently, but it’s still very much there. The more we talk about mental health and getting help this stigma around it will only get better. I don’t have any mental health relating problems, but this year has really shown to me the full effect of traumas that I have experienced or dealt with. Hi, I’m Sally and my life is pretty crazy.

THERAPY.
2020 is the year where the unimaginable happened, others and myself were out of work, everything that was a public event was no longer being held or hosted, and places that were non-essential were being shutdown. At the beginning, we really only had time to sit around and focus on ourselves. Well, I realized then that I had a little too much that I had to focus on. Things that I never realized about myself was starting to come to light. I tried to push it away like most because my problems were never anything seriously bad. Well as things started to just sit there, I ignored it. The more I ignored it, it started to subconsciously make its way into my life and affected my dreams how I was feeling for days at a time. I felt lost and like I wasn’t doing enough. The same night that I looked for a therapist, I told my best friend “Everything in my life is going great, I have no complaints, but personally, myself do not feel great at all.” We drank and I had drunk a lot, at 4 AM I was emailing a couple of different therapist. Drunk Sally said, “bitch you need help, I am going to get you help.” I didn’t remember any of it until I got a phone call from one of the centers that I emailed the next day.

Sober me thought I was just being dramatic and couldn’t believe that I had gone as far as emailing. I thought that was just crazy of me to do. Me? I don’t need help, my problems aren’t even that important, but I spoke to my friends about it and they all congratulated me instead. It wasn’t the reaction that I expected at all, but it was their support that pushed me to take the steps to look further into the therapy. It took me about a month to finally set up my first session, but I did it.

You never know how much you actually deal with until you start talking in these sessions. Without getting into detail of my own life’s work, let’s just say what I thought was normal to me started to appear a little crazy and unbelievable when saying it all out loud to a stranger. Even if my traumas aren’t as intense as others, they were still my traumas and why should I think of them or myself as any less? I can say that me, personally, am caught up to everything else in my life or pretty close to it. I have learned a lot about myself through my sessions and I have accepted and forgave parts of myself that I didn’t know needed. I’m better at seeing things for what it really is and not how I want them to seem. It’s been eye opening and I’m not so stuck anymore.

If you have been thinking about therapy, I 100% support that decision. It has helped me so much already and I’ve only gone for 2 months. Makes those calls, write those emails, because you are just as important. No matter how small your problem or issue is, you are just as important. There is nothing bad about seeking help for yourself. Do it for yourself.

SALLY ♡ T

Biggest Challenges of 2020: By Myself.

It is now December, for me the month of reflection. I usually try to do monthly reflections so I can pin point an area that I still want to work on for the next month, but with this year all of that went to trash. It was all over the place and no month was ever the same. 2020 has opened myself up to my own self about things I’ve never paid attention about or thought was a problem. 2020 has challenged me in many different ways in every aspect of my life. Really, 2020 got me f u c k e d u p. Just kidding, 2020 has brought what I needed heal about myself in plain sight and it’s a lot more than you think. You guessed it, a new series. Welcome to Biggest Challenges of 2020.

BY MYSELF.
Surprise! I do terrible being by myself or alone. I actually don’t like too much me time or doing things by myself. It’s the weirdest thing because I do consider myself as a pretty independent person. I’ll do what I need to do by myself, but I would much rather have some sort of company with me. I’ve been trying so hard this year with getting more comfortable with being alone by myself and trying to learn how to enjoy my own company. I grew up with three siblings and basically all my nieces, so yeah there was never a time where I was truly by myself. Not until a few years ago, but around then I still had Koko with me.

Living in a pandemic, where you should stay home – yeah, not ideal for someone who feels the same as me. I still find myself adjusting to not having my little Koko around me and I lost her almost two years ago. She didn’t need me as much as I needed her. (another story, another time) I get too much into my head, so having others around even if it’s just my brother’s cat napping next to me. It gets me out of my head. It’s like I’m a codependent-independent person and those two people/personalities don’t mix very well. I would like to be able to go to places by myself without having to talk myself into going. Just decide where and when, get up, get ready, and go.

I’ve been challenging myself to stay home and kind of forcing myself to being alone for two weeks now, but you know, you have your good days and your bad ones. This is probably the one of the hardest things that I’ve tried to achieve yet. Thankfully I do have the support of loved ones, friends, and my therapist. Although any other advice on how to feel more comfortable with your own company is highly and hugely appreciated. ♡ I have a feeling that this one will be something that will be a little harder to overcome.

SALLY ♡ T

Dignity. (drunk thoughts)

I am the person to make sure they go down with dignity. I did stop feeling that strength after a while. Dignity or not, I will be for what I feel is right to me, no matter what. I have nothing to prove to anyone, but me. That is true dignity, even though others don’t see it that way, I will always believe in myself.

I won’t lie, I’ve been crushed multiple time where I didn’t feel that way. I lost my strength completely. Not know how it would end. A song someone sings for the dead. I have accept that as well believe it or not. You may call me dramatic, but honestly it is what it is, but I am way better now. Please don’t worry. Please just look after your friends. Life is too short sometimes.

Cherish every moment, every lesson, everything. Confusing to sad, to happy. Cherish it all.

I have no recollection of me writing this at all this night and that’s really crazy to me. I said what I said though. I’m really proud of myself and that’s all I can say. I also know that drunk Sally can be really dramatic, like those dramas where someone gets shoved and they take 5 mins acting out the falling. I do want everyone to know that I am doing just fine and there’s no need for concern, even though it sounds that way. I can just get very dramatic sometimes. ☺

If You Release The Past.

“If you release the past, you’ll move ahead and bloom at last. The heart grows and it knows you can glow.”

Gobi, Over the Moon

Whatever it is that you’re holding onto, I hope you’re not letting it hold onto you. Read it again. Whatever it is that you’re holding onto, I hope you can live on without it. Believe that you can. Whatever you’re holding onto, I hope you can move on from it. Let it go, you can. The time will come and your shoulders will be a little less tense and the pressure of the weight will lift, until then just keep going. You’ve made it this far already, you can make it more.

Some things just never feel fair and I’ll never understand why certain things have to happen. Maybe that’s the problem for me, I keep trying to understand the why and not just letting it go. I can recognize and acknowledge it, but how do I actually apply it and live it? I feel myself thinking, wondering, writing this over and over again. I can see the future without it, I can remember the past of it, but I just don’t know what to do with the present of it.

I’ve been told that my post have been relatable and has actually helped or brought some clarity and I’m happy that it has for those people. That’s one of the reasons why I started this blog. I hope as it has for you, that maybe one day it will for me. It’s so strange, but comforting at the same time.

Remember every moment we have is a chance for something new. Not every moment is the same, so allow it to come to you.

SALLY ♡ T

“My needs are just as important. It’s okay to say no.”

-A Daily Self Reminder

It All Comes Rushing Back.

Although would like to say this was part of the Drunk Thoughts series, it’s not. I actually sobered up from my drinking and just typing my feelings out at 4 AM. Here we are again, the heavy feeling. It all comes rushing back.

Just when things seem so great, it all comes rushing back. You can’t do anything about it, but to deal with it. That part I’m not so great with. How do you know you’re making progress? How do you know you’re getting through it instead of pushing it aside? Am I really putting my needs first?

I don’t doubt or second guess my decisions, but I do doubt where I should be or think I shouldn’t let shit bother me like it does. Why do I still get these nasty little reminders and why do they still hurt me just as much? Sometimes I get so far, just for a reminder to remind me that I actually am not. I actually haven’t even gone anywhere, like I’m just stuck in the cycle.

I go on with my day with a little bit of a heavy heart sometimes and I just push through, but what if one day I don’t have the strength for it? What can I do then? The last thing I want to do is let it consume my emotions and dwell. I’ve done that so many times and had that time already. You know, people carry a lot on their shoulders, they carry a lot on their backs. Not everyone is as happy as they seem. I hope my peace finds me, I really hope soon.

Be kind to others, be respectful, or just leave them alone. Leave things be and let it happen.

“But now I know you can’t change the past, way too young to know the reason why and it all comes rushing back, rushing back.”

SALLY ♡ T

When Your Heart Feels Heavy.

When your heart feels heavy what do you do? When you start to feel it take over, why can’t we just snap out of it? I just continue to stand or sit there and I can’t move, I can’t think about anything else. My eyes become waterfalls. It’s not until then when I can try to make myself feel better. Where I can try to talk myself down and away from whatever dark place I went too. What can you do when your heart feels heavy?

It just happens sometimes. There’s no way around it. You just have to live with it. What a tragic feeling to feel honestly. A heavy heart, a heavy weight. A tragic feeling to feel when you least expect it. It creeps up on me all the time. I can be at my happiest or feel like i’m finally at peace with myself and then it comes. A constant reminder of things I don’t want to remember, of things I tried to block out, of things I tried to drink away. Why do I have to relive the sadness? I really don’t understand why I remember any of it. They say “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” but it pretty much kills me in the inside every time. So when your heart feels heavy, what do you do?

SALLY ♡ T