Tag: Not Myself

What’s Been Up, Sally?

What’s been up? What’s been up? What’s been up? What’s been up?

Hi, hello again SALLY ♡ THINGS readers! Yes, it’s really me. I’m coming back into existence. Here’s an update, so feel free to skip too. I’m just talking about life, but lets get into it, What’s been up?

Well … you see … life has been really life-ing. Lifing or life-ing? But like REALLY. Both in good and bad ways. I was going through it when the last blog was posted plus some more, then of course it calms down. Things start to come together a little and then it takes a sharp turn in another direction that I did not see coming, but it feels good. It feels familiar, but it’s also new at the same time. I just don’t really know how to navigate it and how I feel about it. I just can’t fully accept it just yet, I need to be cautious, I need to look out for me. More time goes on and I’m fighting some demons, ignoring others and starting to accept some. Then we go to the most recent obstacle life has thrown in the way and I still can’t even wrap my head around that one.

You know at the same time, I’m living life. I’m free, I’m starting to feel light, my personality is starting to shine again. I’m literally feeling more like myself and I’m loving myself more. The love is there, it’s still there, it’s always been there. I feeling like I’m growing into the same me, but also a newer, better me. I feel like I’m in this little phase of healing, glowing, loving, and just shining. Which I will admit feels very bizarre because I’m also so stressed. You can really see the stress or burn out on me, specifically on my skin and hair and with my drinking that I had fallen back into too. Is this the non-linear path that they call healing?

Both of my jobs are keeping me busy and I’m very blessed to have them. It’s going on month three of being an assistant to a modeling agency here in my hometown and even though I’m doing light work for them right now, I’m learning a lot of skills that I could use for myself and for my own social media/branding. I’m very thankful for this opportunity that was given to me. My other job, I’m happy to be working in an environment that really sees my effort and worth. Yes, It’s a pretty high-stress work environment, but it works with me and provides for me.

My drinking? It got really intense since I moved back to Michigan last year and while I was impressed with it myself, it was going down a rocky path. I’ve been really working on consistently slowing it down and there’s been a lot of improvement there. Gym? It was starting and I did go for about 3 weeks. Then I fell behind, but that’s okay. I have time to get back into it and I really wasn’t going with intentions of a body goal, but going because I know it’s good for my health. To be honest, I’m loving how I look now, it’s already different from how I saw it before and I think it’s that self love that I’ve really been working on. Talking about self love, my skin? I’ve going through the trenches with that one, but it doesn’t bother me where I’m feeling insecure about it. Maybe because of my severe facial eczema as a kid helped me with my own feelings and securities? I know the cause of the breakouts are from being off of a medicine that I’ve been taking for at least 10 years and my hormones were regulated heavily by it. Something out of my control.

Which BTW, **(rant incoming)** remember that when you move to a different states that there could be different rules and regulations. So your doctor that you had in your previous state, might not be able to legally prescribe medications in the state you moved too. Leading you to having to find a new doctor, but before that you have to switch health insurance from the previous state to one in the current state you live in that will cover you and then you to find a doctor that can prescribe what you need. All the while, a lot of doctors are constantly changing their status of if they are accepting new patients or not. Then your new insurance cards are taking a long time to mail to you and the doctor can’t fit you in until April/May so you have to wait until they have a cancellation in an earlier spot, so you you can take that time slot. It was a fun time 🙂

Then this will be in another post with more details and links soon, but if you haven’t seen yet, my one year old nephew recently got diagnosed with leukemia. That has been the biggest life challenge and it’s been very hard. I don’t think I have my head fully wrapped around it yet because how could that be? He’s only 1 year old, a sweet and innocent baby. Life is not fair to kids and it makes me want to cry every minute I think about it. Even until recently, he’s looked and has been super healthy and then one day he just was very sick. Next, he was diagnosed and put in chemotherapy treatment the next day. It really happened all so quick. That’s my little chubbs.

I’m tired and starting to feel burnt out. It seems like catching a break is not in my 2023 plans. What I can look forward too though is the support that I have with my friends and family around me. Without them, I would have been pushed over the edge already. So really, thank you to all of them. It definitely means the world to me. When you are at low points in life, you also find yourself having high point moments. It’s the way life works, we need the bad to see and appreciate the good stuff coming. The world just keeps moving, so I need to keep moving too or at least attempt to. Here’s that update, what’s been up Sally?

I’m Just Trying to Get to You.

Lately I’ve been more to myself, not out as much, visiting home more often, not writing, just MIA. It’s not because I hate anyone or anything super crazy, but I haven’t felt too much like myself and it’s been feeling like I’ve been losing myself. I’ve been feeling stuck in a low place, but I still have to catch up and live my daily life. It’s stressful, it’s draining.

I can think back to the exact moment where I started to feel this way. I can pinpoint the exact reason, I can tell you exactly why. I can also tell you that it has made me a worse person, a bitter person, but also how it made me feel on top of the world but in the worst way. The saying “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump off too,” well I didn’t even give my friends a chance to jump because I was the friend that did it first. The problem is I held on to it for too long. It was a temporary high, a temporary relief, it wasn’t meant to be kept. That’s a problem of mine, I hold on to whatever makes me feel good whether it’s long lasting or suppose to be temporary. Whatever makes or made me feel good. It has changed every aspect of my life and every aspect of myself. Me holding on allowed it to swallow me whole to where I don’t feel like or see myself anymore.

I need to unlearn everything. I need to break the negative patterns and behaviors that I’ve developed. I need to find myself again. It’s draining me out. What I thought was good for me was actually not and now I have to unlearn something that felt right. It feels so wrong.

Did I run away at times? Yes, I sure did.
How do you expect to start unlearning anything in the environment that you picked it up in? When it comes to something like this you need to get away to a place where you can give yourself a safe space far from the bad. Somewhere you can self reflect, somewhere you can ground yourself, somewhere that will remind you of the old you and where you wish to be. That’s what home is to me, so I’m willing to go back as many times as it takes to feel like myself again, to be better.

It’s always okay to slow down. It’s always okay to miss out. It’s always okay to unlearn unhealthy patterns and behaviors. It’s always okay to learn from your mistakes.

On bad days, it’s okay to rest. It’s a lot, it’s emotional, it’s draining. ST, You need to let go and unlearn what you’re use too. It serves no purpose to you. Deal with it head on ST, you know there’s no other way. ST, this isn’t you and you know that. We didn’t go through all of it for it to become this way. Be true to yourself in every way even if it hurts, it’s what you owe to yourself. Please listen to yourself and how you feel, don’t give up. Never give up, you can always be better. The way you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. Mental health days are fine, take more of them. Take advantage of the help that’s out there. Take more time for yourself. At least you’re working on yourself for yourself. Healing takes time.
– ST Reminders