Tag: Healing

Drunk Thoughts: New Series.

So I’m going to do this series on my blog called ‘Drunk Thoughts’ every few months or whenever I feel like it. I’ll talk about whatever comes to mind, after drinking and probably listening to music while I type. Be prepared for spelling mistakes, non complete sentences, random shit, you know the deal. Welcome into my sad boi hour head and straight into my big ass, emotional cancer sign ass heart. ♡ I wanted to be real with ya’ll, so wtf not? AND it helps me direct my emotions somewhere, perfect. You can laugh at me, while I try to find peace within, everyone wins. This is how I am in real life anyways, I never was trying to make this blog something I wasn’t. I drink, this is me.

So I drank two mugs full of mimosas that were 80% champagne and played my spotify playlist, which just happens to be the Chilombo (Deluxe) album by my girl Jhene Aiko. Starting mid way at Born Tired, which is one of my favorite songs on the album. I just chugged the last half of my cup after the first intro paragraph. So here we go.
Currently, in my life I’m doing good. I’m relaxed, not stressed, enjoying less work. Earlier this year I was probably in the worst mental state that I have ever been, so for me to be where I’m at now, i’m really happy and proud. I can feel myself healing. I know it might sound weird, but I can feel everything just getting better. Things are starting to click like they were before. It’s not so much self love because that never left me, but being able to accept and forgive or at least acknowledge it and not letting it sadden me like before. “Even with void, I choose to fill it with joy” <- Jhene just sang that and i’m living for it. To more joy that’s to come.
Honestly, I’m scared how things will be once my job fully opens back up. I was working crazy hours being a manager and that fucked me up mentally along with what was happening in my personal life. I don’t want to go backwards from where i’m at now. So dreading how things will be is an understatement, but I am working on it and getting myself out of that. I just have to deal with it a little longer, but I’ll stand my ground more and do whats right for me.
I sacrificed myself and some parts of my life when accepting this manager position for a bigger picture. I said I’ll just work hard so I can get to point b quicker. I did what I had to do for this bigger picture, but I lost myself from it and allowed the consequences of it take over. Did I recover? Yes, but for myself still working on it. Would I do it again? No, fuck ass no. I love myself and will never want to be in that mental state ever again. I was actually abusing alcohol at the time and I really fell into a dark hole. Of course me being prideful, I didn’t want people to know I was actually screaming for help with every drink I drank. I pulled myself out of that and i’m no longer drinking to fill anything. I’m pretty fucking proud, but this is the only place you will hear about it, because i’m still too prideful to share, but I should acknowledge my strength. I did it. I don’t want sympathy, empathy or anyone to bring it up because it still reminds me of the pain, but just know i’m okay now. I’m doing fine, i’m happy and still working on myself.

“It ain’t perfect, but everything’s beautiful, beautiful now. Maybe I’m the miracle, waiting for the miracle.”
SALLY ♡ T

Two Places.

I’ve felt like I’ve been in “The in between” lately. I’m not really sure how to get out of it or if this is something I need. I can’t tell if it’s just emotions of my birthday coming up or if it’s really how I feel. Is it coming from our new reality that’s clashing with the lifestyle that I’ve always and only known before? Is it part of past history or is it the overcoming of it? Healing and life are messy.

Physically and mentally I am not aligned and I can admit that loudly. That does not scare me, but it is concerning and has been difficult to deal with. When I say I feel like I’m in two places at once, I don’t mean just between my heart and mind or physically and mentally, but within that one thing as well. My thoughts are in two places, how my heart feels like it’s in two places, my well being is in two places, and what you see the outside is in two places. Every aspect of my life is currently in two places then battling their adjacent/opposite, whatever it is. It’s been really difficult to know where is right because honestly they both feel right. One just takes more strength than the other.

Let people heal and leave them alone if you have no business in it. With everything going on in the world, I’ve seen too many times where people are just sticking their noses in where they don’t even have the right to say anything or trying to manipulate the situation into their own narrative. You can try to sympathize and be there for support, but unless it deals with you don’t try to insert yourself unless that person is willing to let you in. You are doing more harm and can really set them back no matter how far they’ve come. Let others heal on their own time. It’s okay to back off, sometimes people just need to find the strength to pick themselves back up. Don’t manipulate someone else’s process so you can feed off of it. It’s not suppose to be an ego boost. Let them keep their healing to themselves and search for your own.

SALLY ♡ T