Tag: Give Yourself Grace

Slowing It Down, November.

Slow it down, November. Read it again, slow it down, November. I have been quiet and yet not quiet at all. It’s very confusing unless you are in my day to day life, but thats okay. I went crazy with going out in October, but this month, I really just want to be left with less sound and less company. I want to take more moments for myself and have quiet moments, so I can hear my own thoughts and moments – sober. Yes, sober.

It’s an easy habit for me to fall into drinking to mask feelings and I’ve been very open about this with myself in the past. The past few months, I was falling into that darker path, so November I wanted to slow down and sit with my feelings, thoughts, moods, etc. Slow it down. I’m not perfect, but I’m not going out 4X a week to a bar either. In November, I’ve gone out about four times vs. twelve times. I call that progress.

With November, my goal is to sit with myself (sober, of course) and feel my feelings, feel my hurt, feel my happiness, feel my thoughts and then give all of that a safe & thankful space to heal in. I hate that I’m in the same spot as previous years, I really do, but I’ve learned that I have a lot of love to give and a lot of love. I will always have love, thats who I am and who I will always be. I’m coming to terms with that. Slow it down.

I am trying to take a step back to not find myself, I know who I am, but to ground myself again. I can definitely say that I lost a piece of myself throughout the year. I know I fought with myself a lot this year to find a peace, when I was only stepping over my own boundaries. Slow it down and build yourself again. I’m choosing to do the work that I need to do, even if it feels the worse. Even if it feels the opposite. You just have to do it. Of course, I want to do all things with love, but I’m just learning that life really doesn’t work that way. Not everything can be done in love or with love. That’s a hard lesson to learn, but it doesn’t make you less of a loving person or that your love is or was any less. Slowing things down this month allows me to process what my mind knows, but what my heart still wants to deny. I can tell there will be more slow down months in the future. I have a lot of work for my heart to catch up with. I’m going to take my time to make sure I’m doing it right this time. Let me marinate in my feelings for a while, they need their time as well.

Finding Yourself in a Familiar Place.

I sit here and find myself in a familiar place. A place where it feels embarrassing to admit that I’m back at again. A place where I have been trying to deny that I’m back in. A place where it breaks you before it makes you. A familiar place, a pretty vulnerable place. Healing alone.

Healing alone is an awful feeling and one of the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It will force you to sit with your grief and to feel it. A place I’m a little too familiar with. Healing alone is healing without using other people or things to fill a void inside of yourself, going out every weekend, healing without using distractions and doing anything to prevent yourself to sit in your grief and think about it. It’s an awful feeling. A place I’m a little too familiar with.

While I spend my time in this familiar place, I’ll give myself the grace that I need. I’ll sit with the grief once again and I’ll still look for all the happiness and love that I gained before the last. I’ll sit here wishing that all my love given is still making someone feel loved. That the right people know that I will always see them as they are and for who they are. The love I gave is for them to keep and theirs, for me. Saying goodbye never gets any easier and finding yourself in this familiar place doesn’t get easier either. I guess I’m back at the first steps again.

For however long it takes for me here, I welcome anyone else that finds their way in this familiar place. I’ll sit here and heal alone – with you.