Tag: Fighting Demons

Drunk Thoughts: Ms. 20 Something.


“Hopin’ to keep the rest of my friends. Prayin’ the 20 somethings don’t kill me, kill me.”
“Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love, only know fear. That’s me, Ms. 20 something.“

A year since I’ve posted a drunk thoughts post. Ya’ll see I don’t be getting drunk on my own as much anymore or at all actually. I don’t drink when I’m at my house or even by myself. That’s PROGRESS. A whole year of working on myself and still working on myself. What a fucking journey it’s been. It’s been wild. Let me tell you, WILD. So much to keep quiet on because I just want everything to be over. I’m drained. I’m tired, exhausted. I get pulled into toxic cycles over and over again. I’ve been getting myself stuck with people who have manipulative behaviors and in their cycles over and over. I’m literally praying my 20 something don’t kill me because I don’t know If i’m going to make it out alive anymore. It’s going to take me and eat me alive.

I’m trying to grow, heal and still love, but that gets taken, taken ,taken. I have a big heart and I love to love and I love to care and I am the type of person to just always have feelings, but clearly that’s being taken for granted and advantage of over and over and over again. What’s suppose to be one of the greatest quality a person can have is also the most taken advantage of. Why do people just take and take and take? I honestly wish I could be exactly like them and do the same. Let me take from you now. then throw you away until I need you next. ugh, disgusting. Personal problem? hell yeah. I’ve been keeping quiet for so long, but for what? To try to save someone’s else character because I loved them before? If I were to literally write a tell all book like celebrities, I feel like my shit would be more interesting that most of the others. The shit I have been put through has beeen WILD. I have stayed quiet to try to forget and move on, but then some shit happens and I notice I’m still taken advantage of because I’m not saying anything. I just want to love and keep loving and not become cold. I want to heal, I want to move on, I want to grow. I want to be left alone. This is the most vulnerable that I can be on here.

Everyone just leave me alone from my past. I loved someone who could not love me the right way and we left it. so, YOU, leave it too. Everyone leave it.

Stepping Into Unknown Territory — The Truth.

What a time to be me. In a positive way, what a time to be me. I get to step into this unknown territory, this unknown area, an unknown place with these unknown feelings. I get to choose, feel, think, and speak for myself and only myself. I get to choose for myself without having to worry about putting someone else’s responsibilities first. I can finally put myself first.

It’s very new to me. I can’t think of a time where I was able to put myself first — like ever. That’s crazy right? I’ve put others before me — what feels like my entire life. Not anymore. So how does that make me feel? Honestly, it doesn’t feel right, it feels very off. I feel very selfish and somewhat empty. I felt fulfilled by being needed by others even if it drained me or held me back from what I could actually achieve. But hey, at least they still needed me, I am that much. I’m learning to understand that I am much more than that, but I also can be that person for others still. I’m learning to understand that I can put myself first and still take care of others, I just had my priorities backwards. It’s whats making this such a new territory for me. I had it wrong all along and I’m okay with admitting to that.

Who was I to be working three jobs to support not only myself, but three other people who were very much capable of taking care of themselves? Who was I to feel like such a disappointment when I couldn’t help pay bills for someone that made more than me with their one job verses my three? Who was I to feel like a failure for dropping out of school because people were throwing their responsibilities on me and I had no choice, but to take it all on? I can’t help but to feel rage and anger because it felt like I had no other choice. I also don’t want to hold onto those feelings because it’s so heavy and it’s so tiring to hold that hurt in your heart. I want to forgive.

Truth be told, I can finally think of goals for myself and actually work towards them. Before, I would come up with a goal, but I would always fail because I wasn’t my own first priority. I constantly failed at things because I put others before me and I let that eat me up. Eat me up to a point where I gave up on dreams and goals and adjusted living my life around everyone else’s schedules. I’m not entirely mad about it because I learned the lessons that came with, but it makes me sad to look back on sometimes. I poured my heart out and into everyone around me and left nothing for myself. Truth be told, even though I’m happy that I get to move forward and it’s exciting to see myself take these little steps, I have no idea what I’m doing. When you are so focused on others around you, you forget about yourself. I always knew how I wanted to end up in life, but I was never able to think about the details of how I would get there. It was like okay I’m at point A, I need to get to point C, but never thought of point B.

I know I have a lot of work to put forward and to put in. I know before I can fully enjoy what’s ahead of me, I have to learn to let this all stay behind me. Even though I felt a sense of fulfillment before, I have to unlearn it and go through this confusing emptiness. I have to be very cautious in what I do until I actually know what to do. Last thing I want is seeing myself fall into old ways again. This is the truth, this is my truth, this is me.

To Let It Go.

It isn’t one of those good days, I want to curl up in a ball and lay in bed all day. My brain really said “Hey Sally, fuck you. You’re not shit today <3”
Everything you’ve been working on disappears as if that work never happened. It doesn’t exist. It’s hard to feel that when you thought you’ve moved way past it. The doubt of what you thought you achieved just sits there and eats you away making it hard to see the growth.

Conversation between my brain and I through text. My brain today told me to be insecure and sad today like it's an okay thing. I'm not happy about it obviously, but I can't help it. Your brain and thoughts can destroy you.

This may be a raw one. I’ve tried to protect it from coming out so much that today I just can’t do it anymore. Something that I wanted to keep private for me to process ended up coming out in a fire anyways and I’ve been fighting to put it out this whole time. I’m tired of fighting for myself.

To let it go. It’s been such a challenge and something I still haven’t figured out yet. Sometimes when something so heartbreaking or traumatic happens to you, you start to believe that maybe you did deserve it. For whatever reason why I may think it, I know at the same time that I didn’t deserve it, but it’s easier to believe I did. It’s the “easier” option for me to understand what or why it happened even if it hurts. Someone who loves you, but hurts you in ways they or you would never imagine, try to make that make sense. It’s heartbreaking. Now put where I’m at now into that and then try to make sense of that. Sometimes if feels like I’m fighting demons out here and the demon is myself, actually my own thoughts vs how I feel. The two peacefully agree most time, but then you have days like this where they switch up and play both sides. It’s this, but that, it’s that, but this. Tugging me back and forth and back and forth. I just want to lay down and rest or drink. A drink would be nice. To let it all go would be nice.

Self defense mechanisms, thank you, but also you are my worst enemy. Thank you for trying to soften the next unknown, but it’s not helping me personally with healing. I can’t keep holding on to this thing, I don’t want too. I want to make my peace and I want to move on. Let me do that, let me let it go.