To The Little Girl.

To the little girl,

There’s so much that I could tell you, but where would I even begin? You’ve been through more than most and your experiences are a little more complicated. I’ll start with these few things and we’ll go as we uncover more inner child situations.

You’re confidence and genuine.

You probably think this is crazy coming from this age, but you were very confident in yourself. Probably more confident than you are now at the age of 26. You were never scared of going for what you want. Yes, shy, but you still went for whatever it was that you set your mind too. You are also very genuine and authentic to yourself even though you felt like you should change. People like who you are, the real you. It’s okay to stand out, it’s not a bad thing. I know being shy, but also always standing out was a conflicting inner mess. You naturally stood out no matter how hard you tried to fit in and be the same as everyone else. It just wasn’t you and you do learn how to embrace it later.

Everything thrown your way actually made you a better person.

Yep, that’s right. Everything that you went through no matter how hard it was, it changed you for the better. It gave you perspective and opened your mind. No matter how hurtful it was or how sad you felt, you managed to keep your heart open and full. I want to say thank you, thank you for being so strong and not giving up. I’ll say this over and over, but I’m so proud of you. I know you needed to hear those words more often.

I’m proud of you.

You cried many tears for many years wanting to hear those words. You felt like everyone was always wanting and expecting you to be exactly like older sissy. Nothing wrong with that because she’s super smart and has her life together, but it just isn’t the same fit for you. You think differently, you act differently, you view things differently. You both will have two very different lives that you’ll live and the best part of that is you’ll learn from each other. More than you would have if you were her exact copy, the copy everyone tried to hold you up to. You are your own person and having someone’s recognition of that would have saved you lots and lots of tears. You would have had that validation that you craved so badly. I’m sorry you still struggle with this, but it’s getting lighter and lighter.

I’m sorry that this is what sticks with you and is your biggest struggle. That it’s so hard for you to bring up or talk about without tearing up and shutting out. To the little girl, if I could go back in time I would go back to every time you cried over not feeling enough or recognized and give you the biggest hug. A hug that would heal the both of us cause well… it’s still something that comes up now from time to time. I’m proud of you though and I want you to know that others do feel the same way.

To the little girl,

I’m sorry you felt lack of affection and love. I’m sorry that it caused you to stay in relationships that weren’t the best for you because you didn’t know better. I’m sorry it caused you to hold on to something that wasn’t there or that you hoped it would show up later. There wasn’t anything that you could have done that would have changed it. There’s consequences to every decision made and it’s unavoidable. You made the best of what you could. The lack of affection and love is actually really common with first gen American born kids. It’s hard for not only you, but your parents too. They were adapting and learning a new way of life as well as having to raise kids and trying to heal from their own traumas.

I want to thank you.

I want to thank you for taking everything like a champ because without you, there would not be this current version of me. I could be coldhearted, shut everything and everyone out and hate the world around me, including everything in it. Instead, I care and love with all my heart and still have space to allow more things to care and love in. I know who I am, I know who we are. I will continue to live this way and I will continue to work on healing you.

To the little girl, without you there is no me.